Undiagnosed wife

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New Member

Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/27/2010 8:19 PM (GMT -7)   
My wife and i are separated. It is the 4th time in the last year. We've been married 32 years but the last 4 have been really rough. I suspect that she is hypo-manic but she refuses to go to anyone to talk about any issues except blaming me for ALL of the stuff I've done to ruin our marriage. I've surely made some mistakes...much of which is reacting to her ways when I didn't realize that she was manic... heightened spirituality, sexuality and financiality. (I know that last one is not a word :)) She did a wonderful job of raising our grown children and has been a wonderful wife for over 25 of our 32 yrs.
I seem to have lost all credibility with her and am wondering seriously how I can possibly get her some help. I have been going to counseling for over 6 months, but I can't seem to say or do anything that lives up to her expectations for performance in those heightened areas. In addition, she thinks I've had an affair (which I haven't), that I have hidden monies from her and secretly built up my own financial kingdom (which I haven't) and that i am abusive (which I have contributed to by reacting to her controlling ways at times).
I don't want to file for divorce, and really don't know if she will at some point, but things look pretty bleak at this time. I am supporting her financially, but keeping up with her spending is getting more and more challenging. When I talk to her about staying in "budget" she says things like "you know we have plenty of money" and "no more poor but proud messages".
Anyone have any ideas or suggestions?

happy bill
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 4/27/2010 9:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello and welcome. Lets try and look at what you are dealing with bit by bit, and ill let you know to the best of my ability what is going on in her bipolar mind.

You said no matter what you do she always blames you. That is definetly hypomanic behavior. When i was hypomanic and out of control i also blamed everything on my wife. It was her fault that i had affairs because she didnt have sex with me enough. Doesnt make sense now but at the time it made perfect sense.

The thing that is tough to understand about Bipolar is that it doesnt just happen over night. It is very sneaky and it creeps up on you over the course of years and gradually changes how you see the world. In her mind she is perfectly fine and you are the one who has ruined her life. In the end only medications can hope to get her back to normal. However,and this is the big one, she has to admit she is the one with a problem. I had a moment of clarity after the worst night of my life, this moment of clarity has allowed me the vision to see that it was ME who had a problem, not my wife.

In the end unless she is willing to accept help and medications and therpay than she has very little hope of coming out of this. BP gets worse with age so she isnt going to get better in a few months. It might just take walkign away because at this point you have to consider your own health, emotional, mental, and physical. Its good you ahve been getting therpay, it will help you along. It may help to think of it as grief coulsing, BP has taken your wife from you just as if it was cancer.

In the end i would definetly put some work into thinking about what you are willing to accept and what you cant. Once you get that figured out than you can move on and make the hard decisions that will guide your life.

Hope this helps. .

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 4/28/2010 9:26 AM (GMT -7)   
I know whay my hubby would do,he'd cut off the money & only let me have a certain amount no more....

New Member

Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/28/2010 11:38 AM (GMT -7)   
You guys have been very helpful. I only wish I had found this forum a couple of years ago before I contributed some of things I've contributed to our current situation. I am gradually moving toward the monetary limitations. And via counseling I have read and considered the concept of grief.
The adult child part is something I've thought and prayed about, but I think I've been hesitant to "drag them in" to our problems, even though they have recognition for things having changed with their mom.
Thank you again.
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