I did post in the depression forum....The idea of thinking of a perfect day appealed to me, and if I remember right, I think I told someone they were not alone, because that is what I would want to hear when I come here for guidence or understanding. I'm a natural when it comes to taking care of others. I have a gift for being able to talk to anyone.
As for everything else I can't explain. I hurt...... so badly that sometimes I can barely function. I know I have triggers, things that set me off easier than others. Talking about some of the things I've posted here are some of them. I generally try to avoid them, block them out because if I go there It feels like my world is crumbling. I can't forgive myself....I feel weak, selfish, alone, broken. There are people I care about that I hurt without them knowing I do. Then there are those that I care about that I simply feel abandoned by. The biggest difference right now from the past is that I've let it go on so long. generally I would have found some way to make the pain reach it's peak faster so that I could focus my attention elsewhere. (Some of you may know what I mean) Maybe I'm maturing, maybe hardly eating in the last week or so is doing the same thing. I don't drink a lot of soft drinks, tea or water mostly. As far as alcohol...only when we're out with friends on occasion. I have seen too many alcoholics in my family to go down that road. The Medication front is probably my biggest issue, it's really difficult not to over do it. I think about it constantly. Going to sleep for a really long time is very appealing, but I have others to think about. On the outside mostly I put on a great front. I have a hard time saying no to anything. I'm generally, athletic, artistic, outgoing, sexually charged, poetic, creative, open, a good listener. I'm the one that wears their heart on their sleeve and would give a stranger the shirt off their back....right now though I don't feel any of those things. I cycle through this every few months....sometimes feels worse or maybe just different. I keep waiting for the meds to kick in because I feel like thats what I'm supposed to do. THe last time I told my Pdoc that several of the meds I've been given in the past didn't work or the side effects were to great...he said my next alternative was hospitalization...Like it was nothing. Even though I think I've done a darn good job at not acting on the impulses that plaque me constantly. I don't know anymore. I must admit though...I've been contemplating the hospital since last spring I think. I'm losing my darn mind. Why won't it stop?