I don't know if I am heading into an episode or if I'm still not recovered from missing my meds last week.
I feel like a failure. I can't think of anything I've done well or done right in the last week. I feel like there is no place for me in life - I feel that I have failed in everything and that there are no options left.
I dread my SO coming home. I can't imagine that he could feel anything towards me except disappointment, frustration, and anger. I am embarassed, frustrated and livid at myself for not being able to do the simplest things. I am angry that I'm not even halfway done with a to-do list from 4 days ago. I hate who I am right now.
I am ANGRY that I can't talk to him. He has made it very clear that he has no sympathy, no empathy, and is irritated by crying. If I think, I cry. If I move, I cry. I sit like a statue when he is home, not moving, not thinking, holding my breath and trying not to cry. The moment he steps out the door, I fall apart crying.
I have no patience for my son. I dread him waking up in the morning. I have no energy to do anything for or with him. I hate hearing him ask, "What's wrong with momma?"
I sleep on the couch so I can cry alone. I sleep alone because I can't even sleep next to my SO without waking him up at night, causing him to be tired the next day. I can't live right, I can't sleep right. I can't work. I can't stay in school. I can't be trusted to remember my meds. I can't run simple errands. I can't cook dinner and keep the house clean. I've run out of things I can do and now I have nothing left except to wait until I die.