Can we just say life sucks

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Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 4/30/2010 4:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Most of you have read most of what sums up at least half my life.....I'm still spiraling down. I made small progress yesterday. I went to the doc's and actually hung out along with my husband and kids at our best friends house for a few hours. It wasn't easy I cried on the way there, but thats because something set me off. I pulled it together for awhile at least. I'll tell you....It's hard as hell trying to keep explaining to my kids why I'm staying in bed, or why I'm crying. THey're 6 and 9. SO tells them I'm not feeling well mostly and when they catch me crying I say my head hurts. Today I met my husband for lunch....went good for and hour. Then I was going to brave shopping (almost laughable It's what I usually what I do when I can't think of anything else) but I only made it half way. before my mom text me from out of state and asked a simple question. when I sent her a quick reply, all she did was ask what was wrong....I didn't seem ok. That was all it took to send me into overload. I started crying and crying, barely made it down the road a bit further fighting the temptation to run my car into something..... I've learned the last week. DON'T DRIVE WHEN IT HITS..... Of all places I pulled into a cemetery, parked turned up my radio rolled my window, got out leaned against the car and cried and cried until someone finally drove up behind my car then I got back in and left. By then I was able to at least get myself home....took some xanax to knock me down a notch and called my insurance company to find out what hospitals were nearby that were covered by them and what kinda coverage I had. I figured when I couldn't think about anything but crying and felt so desperate all I could think about was relieving the pain, cut myself, running into walls...etc etc. I DIDN'T DO IT APPARENTLY!!!!! I also came close to pulling into the police station and just asking them to put me in a padded room for awhile. But I made it home. Called my husband....didn't tell him everything just that I was set off and my depression went for another dive. Good thing I'm a good swimmer LOL..( I know it's not funny) But I crawled back in bed which is where I've spent most of the last 6 days. If this gets any worse, I"m checking myself in. I can only fight so hard. You know I took theology for 4 years in HS..... And god isn't supposed to give you more than you can handle, but WHAT THE F#*@ is he thinking? Granted I would take this a hundred fold to keep any of it from happening to one of my kids. But this is really starting to piss me off.
Bipolar Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 4/30/2010 6:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh gosh!  I just about fell apart when my 3 yr old son was asking my SO "what's wrong with momma?"  I sent him to his Grandma's for a few days.  I tell him that I am "sick."  I have a Service Dog, and we talk about how "Dog helps Momma when she is sick."
Please, please, please let me know when you get up to 100mg Lamictal. 
Don't let me forget....
CONGRATULATIONS!  You rocked today!  Way to go!  You are safe, and that is ALL that matters!  (((hug)))
Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder

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