Yes he did finally come clean, and in some parts of my head I can even rationalize what happened and admit it wasn't the same thing that happened TO me years ago. I've never hated anyone, just took them for who they were. I'm far from perfect and I know that. I was traumatized a very long time ago, he kept that pain in the forefront for 10 years, knowing how much I was suffering. I'm to my breaking point. I've felt so lost and alone all these years, knowing I wasn't truly happy, that this wasn't the life I wanted. I was always looking for attention for love....not really understanding why. The easiest thing I. The world right now would be to crawl into his arms and just let him love me. But to do that I'd have to be willing to push aside everything that's happened, do what I've done my entire life and block out the bad stuff and keep moving forward. Don't I owe myself a better life than one of just accepting things that have happened and see those reminders everyday. It's not just about
forgiveness, you can forgive people every day and choose not to let them hold that power over you.... I've been forced to do that more times than I can remember. (my family has a sick sense of suck it up) no matter what horrific thing someone has done.
For instance my fathers brother who molested me over and over again...a few years later my mother too me to see my fathers side of the family at a dinner, knowing darn well he would be there. I was supposed to just take it, put a smile on my face and act as though nothing happened.
After my daughter was born my father was so in love with her, he wanted to show her off to the world, my parents invited that man (his brother) to my house with my family.....how messed up is that. But I had to grin and bare it.
My aunt invited my cousin (the sister) to come stay with her while she was workng some things out...no one ever told me she was even coming. It was a betrayl and a slap in the face. It nearly destroyed me....but what did I do, I did my damdest to treat her with respect, show her compassion, (she's messed up in her own right) she blamed me for not having her sister be able to move here with her, because although I knew nothing about
it. My family (aunt & uncle) said no. Why did they feel this need to invade the only safe place that I had. I never tried to go and disrupt their lives. When their mother passed away, I wanted to be there, I loved her dearly but out of respect I didn't go. I'm sick and tired of haveing to pretend I'm ok. To look at the one man I trusted more than life itself and know he did the one thing that I could never accept (other than it being my own child : there is no line I wouldn't cross to protect her from
what happened to me).... I don't want to fake it for anyone anymore. I'm tired and ready to give in. ....it made me so mad. I finally took something to calm me down and make me sleep until I had to pull it together to be there for my daughters field day. I didn't want to let her down. Then we took her out to celebrate and I came home and went to bed again. It's the safest place right now.
Im afraid if I force the other side of me to come out....allow the mania to creep in, (fake it for everyone elses sake) it's just going to make things worse and I'll crash even further if that's even possible right now.
plz read rules regarding self harm
Post Edited By Moderator (Howlyncat) : 5/7/2010 9:46:08 PM (GMT-6)