I am out of control !!!

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Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 223
   Posted 5/20/2010 9:58 AM (GMT -7)   
This has been my longest manic episode yet and it is killing me.  I am so out of control, but do not want to change my meds because they are normally a good cocktail for me.  I have no one to talk to about the things I'm doing.  I am not suicidal right now, but I can feel the depression coming on and do not know what will happen.  I know no one on the site can help with this, but I just needed to get it off my mind and tell someone.  I am trying to make the madness stop but I keep doing things over and over that are not right, and the guilt is getting to me.  I am using my ativan more than normal because of the anxiety and irritablility but sometimes that does not even help.  I think sometimes my bp has put me into situations that are hard to get out of and I hate that about this disease.  People at work never know anything about what I am really feeling though I want to screem sometimes.  I think one of the hardest things about this episode is I am obsessed with someone and it is not a good thing, don't get me wrong it is mutual but I need to stop.  Any words of advise. confused

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 5/20/2010 11:14 AM (GMT -7)   
No advice - just a hug.  :)

Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 5/21/2010 5:12 PM (GMT -7)   

You know we are here to help. I know it's hard b/c we're not phsyically there, but at least you got the words out to someone who understands. Please watch that depressive state slipping in....especially with any suicidal ideation; I use crisis/distress lines in my area and call them when it gets to that scary edge. It's such an awful thing we have to go through; the feeling of losing control...the shifting of it all is exhausting. I have recently increased my Clonazepam lately too as I am having multiple panic attacks/ and the general anxiety and irritability is through the roof for me each day....It was supposed to be take as needed maybe on average only a few each week but now I am taking at least one to two a day. Pdoc knows, so it is okay. But I can really relate to how you're feeling right now.

As far as being "obsessed" with someone; are you being too hard on yourself when you use the word obsessed? Maybe you just care too much....I believe there is a difference.

I can also relate to the work thing. It takes everything in me most of the time to get to my job and work all day. If they only knew. It's exhausting hiding this illness, but unfortunately that is the way it has to be (I feel)

I just want to reach out to you and say you are not alone. And please post so you can talk yourself through this. You deserve to feel better. Many hugs and I'll be thinking of you!
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as neededMethoprazine 12 mg/day, Mirapex working up to 2.25 mg/day, Lamictal 400mg/day

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