one of my worst nightmares

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horse crazy
Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 6/6/2010 10:19 PM (GMT -7)   
I have had the same talk therapist for 25 years....yep, honest 25 years.  I have always been a bit neurotic abbout something happening to him because he is the only person in the world who really, really knows and accepts me.  He has seen me raise my two sons, he has seen my thru a horrible abortion, he has seen and helped me grow up over the years; helped save my marriage I owe my success to him.My own father was insanely jealous of him, because my dad felt the therapist stole me from him.  He helped me thru PTSD after I had been brutually attcked by a horse.  And he is a wise man, passing on his wisdom that I was able to pass onto my kids.  Frankly, the poor guy many, many times went thru hell with me as my BP often spun out of control.  And I went thru a self-harm stage.  In the last couple years he has continued to offer me support, has been someone to talk to who understands me........Alright, you get the picture.  This man is very, very important to me.  Today he called me and told me he had an accident and broke his hip (he is getting up there in age....but still very sharp mind)  AND doesn't know if and when he will get back to work.  I have reacted with complete numbness and denial, because if I really think about it I panic and all my old abandonment issues come rushing at me.  And I can't stand that he is hurt and because of our professional relationship, I can't exactly visit him in the hospital or rush to his side.  Something happening to him has always been one of my worst nightmares.  So much so I have always hoped I would die before something happened to him so I wouldn't have to face it.  He has always managed to get me on the right path when I have strayed off.  I am probably too dependent on him but that fact will not change.  I am already feeling very, very lost....He knew me better than I knew me.  I am at a total  loss how yo handle this, how to get me thru it, how to face the fact he may never practice again and possibly how to say good-by...I just want to run and hide under a blanket.....Please if someone has advice...I need it.
Horse Crazy
Bi-polarII; rapid cycler; Lithium 600
Requip XL 8mg; Lamictal 200 mg; seraquel 450mg, klonopin 4mg

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 6/7/2010 6:44 AM (GMT -7)   

I think you should approach this one head-on.  Ask HIM to recommend someone you can see.  Start researching / interviewing.

This man is so important to you because you know him and he knows you!  So I think it is time to meet some other people who have potential to know the same.

Even if you never have to switch tp's, I think that seeing who else is out there will help with your fear. 


Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 6/7/2010 7:21 AM (GMT -7)   


I am so sorry to hear you are facing this. I fear the same thing with my pdoc; he is so important to me as well.

I am certain that if he does not get back, that he will assist you in finding someone who will treat you well. It sounds like he cares a lot. I hope he can recommend someone soon for you b/c you need the therapy. Look out for yourself.

Try not to panic and focus on the care you need.


Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as neededMethoprazine 12 mg/day, Mirapex working up to 2.25 mg/day, Lamictal 400mg/day

happy bill
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 6/7/2010 7:31 AM (GMT -7)   
  You have been very lucky to have had someone in your life for 25 years that has helped you so much. If you are to lose him it will be a huge loss, however it will open the door to meet someone new. This new person will have new insights and perspective to help you along. 
   It is a loss and you should and will grieve. However you are strong enough to over come this and move on. How do i know this? Because looking back on all that you said he helped you with over the last 25 years, he was a small part of your success. The bulk of your seccess came from your own ability to adapt, grow, change, and learn over those years to help yourself solve the problems that life had placed in front of you.
   You have every right to be proud of  your accomplishments the last 25 years, and for you, thankfully, god sent you some help in the form of a friend to giv eyou some advice now and again. But in the end it was all you horse crazy that made it happen.  At the end of the day it was still you alone in the dark with what was going on inside of you that allowed you to overcome the obstactles that were in front of you.
  Hide under a blanket if you want to, however i bet you will soon find that you are more than able to stand on your own two feet. Not only stand but stand strong and tall.
    Plus you allways have us here to bounce stuff off of. A booby prize if there ever was one. tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue
   "If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"
   "It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself."  Happy Bill
   Meds. Respirdal  0.5 a day, more if needed.

horse crazy
Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 6/7/2010 1:15 PM (GMT -7)   
 for your input, bill, tortoise and mogli...I worked today helping others which took my mind off things, plus my therapist left a message on my voice mail telling me to call him in the hospital, which I did.  I don't think he will be back to work...broke his hip pretty bad and he is getting up there in years. really got me to thinking about all the crap I have overcome and it was a horrendous battle, but you are right....I did therapist was there to patch me back together when needed, but ultimately I did the work and survived.  The really hard stuff was put to bed a long time ago.  Now I mainly fight the ongoing war with the BP (and sometimes I think it will beat me.)  So yesterday was this weird trip down memory lane of all the zillions of problems (emotional) I had over the years and I am not that person anymore.  Most of the emotional baggage has gone....sure it gets stirred up when things happen like my therapist of 25 years breaks his hip, but it is a temporary wipe out.   I am taking everyone's advice and finding a new therapist to at least deal with the loss and sadness of losing him.  I also tend to forget there is one other person who knows how important this therapist is to me and that is my husband....however, he has a problem staying objective.  That is why I like this board so much...I can count on some support and some good advice.  You guys helped center me and keep me from a meltdown.
Horse Crazy
Bi-polarII; rapid cycler; Lithium 600
Requip XL 8mg; Lamictal 200 mg; seraquel 450mg, klonopin 4mg

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