I think a lot of what's doing the talking is your brain chemicals and not you. And oftentimes, heaven help us, our brain chemicals and our selves are very much divided. The things you're talking about--the lack of interest, the wanting to isolate yourself, the sobbing, the inability to decide--are not necessarily about you as a person but rather about what the illness is doing to you. Given all that's going on with your bipolarism, of course it's hard to figure out how you feel about your boyfriend. It would be impossible for anyone to figure that out.
Believe me, I am not denigrating what you're saying. I'm just saying, "Be kind to yourself." "Be easy on yourself." "It's not your fault." "This illness is nothing that you asked for. It just got handed to you, and now you have to deal with it." It's something we all share with you.
Would you be willing to give psychiatry, meds, counseling, etc. another try? Is there any way that you can get to see the counselor at your university who was so helpful to you? If not, perhaps there's another counselor whom she could recommend who would be good for you to talk to. Please give some of these things another try.
Some people find a lot of help through nontraditional means, such as acupuncture for, say, depression. You might want to give that a try. Other people find massage therapy an enormous help for clinical depression. Again, this might be something you might want to look into.
I relate to you talking about having to force yourself to do stuff with your friends. If I had my druthers, I'd probably stay in bed all day long and pull the covers over my head. But I keep forcing myself to go out, get out, and do stuff. I don't really know why I keep on doing this. I guess I hope that something, anything, will lift my mood. And sometimes, just for a little bit, my mood will go up a bit. And what a relief that is! So, keep on forcing yourself to get out and do things with your friends. I think that's good for you.
And keep on talking to all of us. We'll listen. And we care.
bipolar II, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome
current meds: Invega, 1.5 mg; Clonazepam, 0.5 mg prn; Lexapro, 5 mg; Mirapex, 2.5 mg; Topamax, 50 mg