I've been finding that, every time I think ahead to graduate school, which is only about
four weeks away, I go haywire with terror. It's not so much the graduate school itself. It's just that it's all TOO MUCH:
I have a graduate assistantship, which is the only way I can go to school (for social work). The grad assistantship necessitates that I take FOUR classes, plus work ten hours per week for a professor. In addition, my computer skills are weak, and trying to learn everything I'll no doubt have to learn, while also acclimating myself to the whole school environment again (haven't been back to school since 1984, when I last earned a grad degree), overwhelms me. I wake up in the morning shaking with terror about how I'll manage this.
I used to be intelligent once. Where did that go?
Yesterday, I was talking to a friend about this, and she said that I should just concentrate on what's in front of me and not think as far ahead as school. So, I did, and this is the first morning I woke up not shaking myself almost out of bed with fear about grad school.
Maybe two solid years of school is simply too much for me?? I just don't know.
But at the moment, I don't feel that I have much in the way of marketable skills. And there sure aren't many jobs out there. And definitely not many jobs that don't call for computer knowledge.
What in the world do I do? I wish I could find some kind of low-stress job. OK, maybe I wouldn't find it fulfilling mentally, but maybe it'd get me out of the house, keep me busy, and tire me out. I'd like to fall into bed exhausted at night.
I'm guessing a lot of you are dealing with stress and how to manage it. How do you do it?
I just started going to a counselor. She wants me--I haven't even started doing it yet; I find it hard to motivate myself to do much of anything other than walk my dog once or twice a day, read, and sleep; the Topamax I'm taking has robbed me of most of my appetite, so I don't even feel like cooking or eating--to draw two mandalas a day: one that shows what I'm feeling at the moment and one that shows how I feel if I go deep into myself. I don't even know what I'm feeling other than fear. And she wants me to write down three statements and then modify them to make them more positive. Again, I feel paralyzed. I feel I have nothing to say.
It's just such a disappointment to wake up and find that I'm still here. Sigh. To feel that I've fallen into the ranks of the incurably mentally ill is so disappointing. What HAPPENED to me? Three months ago, I wasn't feeling like this. I feel like I've become my mother, who seems to've had the same problem. (We were estranged for much of her life, so I don't know a lot about her mental health problems.) Maybe I SHOULD be checking into the psych ward.
bipolar II, panic/anxiety disorder, fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue syndrome
current meds: Clonazepam, 0.5 mg prn; Topamax, 50 mg