Hey there. Sorry that you're having a hard time also Tortoise. It's been hard, but I haven't SI since last week. How have you been doing with the SI lately? I hope you're doing okay. I sw you were having some pretty hard days there, but I felt like I couldn't post anything, seeing as I'm having just as hard of a time and didn't know what to say to help you. Sorry about that.
My husband got on here and read some of my posts and was not happy. He knew I cut, but didn't know i was still having more urges. I don't tell him, 'cause I don't want him to worry. "I'm going to worry no matter what you say. But, I worry more when you tell me that everything is fine, when I can see that it obviously is not, " was his reaction. Which, I understand. Like I've said before though, I've gotten so used to hiding things from people, it's just so hard to tell him what's really going on. A) I don't want him thinking I'm crazy B) I don't want his family to think i'm any MORE crazy than they already do C) I'm used to taking care of things myself and am still learning how to let others help me and D) Half the time, I don't even really know what's wrong, so how can I explain what I'm going through to him, when he's never gone through it himself and doesn't understand it and when I'm going through it, but still don't understand it?!
I went to my counselor on Monday and told her about the hospital and that they still didn't give me everything and about my husbands family now thinking this is going to be a regular occurrence and thinking I'm crazier than before. Well, I ended up having a panic attack in her office. She told me to tense up all my muscles in my toes, hold and release, then go to my legs, then to my stomach, etc. I was able to calm down after about 10 min, but it kind of worried her. She was also upset that they put me in the hospital, but didn't give me anything. I have an appt tomorrow to see about getting on some meds. Hopefully they will give me SOMETHING! I honestly don't care what it is right now. I just need something to help me sleep and eat. I woke up almost every hr last night! Woke up pissed beyond belief this morning. Got a nap in this afternoon, but was woken up by my husband and was pissed again! I was lethargic all day, until about 7 pm, then was go, go , go. My husband likes me to lay down with him when he goes to sleep, but tonight I couldn't even lay in bed again. My body is sooooooo tired right now, but sleep is not in my near future.
I've cut out caffeine. Except for an Excedrin Migraine, because of my horrible headache that STILL has not gone away! I'm craving PB&J sandwiches likes crazy right now, but I'm using whole wheat bread. Drinking water and juice, trying to stay away from all the bad stuff. I've been taking long, hot baths, having my husband give me a massage or just a simply back scratch for a few minutes, writing in my journal, writing on here.....I'm running out of options. Hardly any sleep, no rem sleep what so ever, hardly eating still, headaches, panic attacks, mixed moods still going on, and getting more and more agitated by the day. I'm REALLY hoping they can give me some meds tomorrow!
Hey Mogs. The hospital really is ot the place for me. They refused to give me meds, except for something when I had a migraine and some benadryl to help me sleep. BENADRYL, can you believe it?! Usually it takes 200 to 300 of Trazadone to knock me out and they think a 25 mg tab of benadryl was going to do anything! Plus, I felt worse in there, while being away from my kids. I'm doing okay with the SI thoughts now, just hoping this appt tomorrow can give me something to at least settle things down a bit. At least so I can get some MUCH needed sleep lol. I did get a crisis line # to call and keep it by my computer, just in case. She did give some great ideas, unfortunately, I've tried a lot of them, and nothing seems to be working to help me right now. This too will pass though. It has to.
Oh, no need to worry about little ol me. I've been doing this long enough to know when I need some serious help and I'm not there just yet :) Eveverything will ne just fine!
I know I'm not perfect, and I don't live to be...But before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean. - Bob Marley