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Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 8/29/2010 11:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Why did Mom have to be diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer?
Why does my bf not understand what this has done to me (bp-wise)?
Why did I come so close to leaving my relationship and couldn't do it?
Why do I continue living in a situation that is not only stressful, but I'm living a life where I'm not allowed to be bipolar...?
Why am I so terrified?

I am going CRAZY! I am so depressed and irritable today, but I'm hiding it because if I don't, there will be a huge fight and I promised that if that happened again, I would leave. While I have gotten a lot closer in actually realizing I am going to be leaving this relationship at some point and feeling I might be able to go through with it....It's just so much to handle right now. Mom started her second round of chemo this past week and she is so sick......I hate it. I feel helpless. She has lost her hair and my heart is just breaking over all of this ... How can I put myself through the second biggest nightmare for my life? (leaving a 5 year relationship) Although it can be argued that I am living a nightmare. I keep thinking about being on my own. While most of it is scary, there would be pluses. No abuse for one. Two, I think about how much less laundry I would have to do; how much less housework I would have to do. My anxiety and panic attacks would decrease. It of course stresses me out financially, but I know that I would work it out somehow.

I think I need to do some heavy relaxation tonight. I'm so tired guys. I mean exhausted. I dont' know at all how I'm holding my head up through all of this at all. I just wish I had overwhelming comfort through all of this. It would be so much easier.

Anyway, I feel guilty for being so absent from the board and not posting to your troubles and to go on about mine....I am thinking of you all...Hopefully I get caught up at work this week and have some downtime during the work day to read and post.

Thanks for reading.

Mogs cry

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 218
   Posted 8/29/2010 12:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi mogs,

I think it might be time to invest in a professional massage and some scented bath salts. there is nothing you can do about your mom's cancer besides be with her through it, but there are some things you can do for yourself to reduce your stress load. maybe you can teach your boyfriend how to do his own laundry. i hope things lighten up for you soon. :( best wishes
"crazy" french girl with bipolar II

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 8/29/2010 2:33 PM (GMT -7)   
     First of all I'm sorry to hear about your mom. Five years ago I was diagnosed with stage 3C
     Ovarian cancer. It was the most frightening thing I ever had to face. I was so wrapped up
      in my illness and treatment I didn't have time to think how it affected my family.
     I'm guessing it's very stressful for the people close to the patient but I think other than trying
     to make them comfortable and meeting their needs there is little more you can do.
     I know it would be hard but if you could stay as calm as you can around you mother even
     with your disorder it might help. You could always fall apart when you're alone.
     If you can afford seeing a therapist that deals with illness in families it might be a good idea.
     It's interesting that you are thinking of leaving your relationship, in times of a stressful situation
     not getting support can be damaging. I met many women in chemo who left their husbands
     because of lack of support.
     A year ago I left my husband of 32 years of marriage because he didn't make me feel good
     about myself anymore. My illness changed me and I wanted more out of life.
     I thought being on my own would be difficult but I find it very pleasant, no one expects
     much from me and I can make plans to suit my moods.
     I have heard that caregivers of sick people can sometimes suffer as much as the patient.
     So take care of yourself or you won't be much help to your mom.
     Eat well, sleep well, if you can, and think good thoughts.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 8/30/2010 7:58 AM (GMT -7)   

Thank you all for your support and my heart goes out to you for your struggles. You are all inspiring to me. And thank you for the advice.

I am in such an awful position. While I don't think it's a good idea to think and live more than one single day at a time right now, it is so hard to keep dealing with such stress. I feel like such a coward for not leaving my relationship NOW. Things have not improved at all since I had a conversation with my bf last week; telling him I wanted him to go to counselling for his anger; that the abuse needed to stop or I intend on leaving for sure.

I thought I would see some compassion from him, instead he is blaming me and still yelling at me.

Honestly since last week's conversation, I think the abuse is much worse than I thought. Typical denial and blame on me. It's so hard to accept all of the apologies when the next day I am being yelled at AGAIN. Without professional help, I feel there is no hope. He is so angry. And why? I don' deserve it.

I feel like taking a month leave from work. I can't concentrate here at all and I'm so tired from everything. I am having to drag myself to work, and on days like today, I can't even handle getting anything done. I haven't done any work this morning and I don't see the afternoon being any different.

I was looking at apartments/townhouses to rent this morning. WOW, there was absolutely nothing that was right for me and my cat.

Last night has me scarred today, which is why the depression is so bad. BF and I went to dinner and a movie. He aruged with me on so many things. He aruged with my opinion of the movie. Then last night I woke up to him screaming in pain (he hurt his back last night) and I wasn't quite awake, so I said what the **** is going on and he told me to shut the **** up. Yup. So I feel great this morning.

Okay, enough. I am going to read some posts from you guys and try to be there for all of you.



Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 8/30/2010 8:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Awww.... I feel so awful for you. I think you have a legitimate reason to go to a women's shelter. Although you'd have to find a temporary home for your kitten.

Without relationship stress, would you be OK at work?
Bipolar 1
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder

Depakote, Abilify - FAIL; Seroquel - Epic Fail
Lamictal 150mg (up to 200mg soon), Klonopin 0.5mg as needed, starting Seroquel XR 50mg soon
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