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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 10/19/2010 9:05 PM (GMT -7)
Im 19 years old and have been severly depressed since i was 12.  A few months ago after my second failed suicide attempt i was sent to a mental health hospital to be under observation for a little over a week.  In there they diagnosed me bipolar with pyschotic episodes.  The hopsial doctors put me on Risperdal but i recently stopped taking it because I was having an allergic reaction to it.  Since getting off the Risperdal Ive been having trouble with my insurance company approving Abilify or Geodon.  For the past week ive been rapid cycling which has never happened to me before and i was just wondering if anyone here could give me some advice on how to better deal with this other than cutting myself.  Although i will be back on medication soon, some advice on how to change my negative and destructive thinking patterns would be much appreciated.  thank you
Posted 10/20/2010 7:53 AM (GMT -7)
You sound almost exactly like me a year ago so don't worry you aren't alone. I've been just under a year without cutting and honestly willpower is the only thing that can help you move past that. When you get to the point where you just can't stand it and you have to cut, go running, run so hard you barely think you'll be able to walk back home. Find something, ANYTHING that will wear you out. It's not easy, and you'll relapse, and you'll WANT to go back, but the first time you a week without it, it'll feel so empowering and then, you KNOW you can do it. Find someone you trust who when things get out of hand, you call them and they help talk you down. It's an addiction and it's hard to start dealing with the emotional pain when the physical is so much easier. But I promise it can be done, it takes time and willpower and honestly finding the right cocktail will help tremendously. As for your meds, seroquel has been great for me but everyone is different. Good luck, and remember you can do it even when you don't believe you can.
Posted 10/20/2010 8:01 AM (GMT -7)
Thank you so much it is nice to know that there are other people out there who are dealing with the same kind of thing as i am.  And thanks for the advice about running, i do it a lot to keep in shape but i never thought to use it to get my mind off cutting.  thanks again
Posted 10/20/2010 1:17 PM (GMT -7)
Hi Courtney. :) I also have had issues with self-harm when rapid cycling. It's brutal.

Do you use caffiene, by any chance?
Posted 10/20/2010 1:24 PM (GMT -7)
I drink maybe a soda a day but i dont drink coffee and i rarely drink tea.  could my caffiene intake be contributing towards anything?
Posted 10/20/2010 1:28 PM (GMT -7)
YES! O.M.G. YES!

Sorry for my enthusiam - hypomanic here....

Caffiene has a HUGE effect on bipolars, especially when it comes to rapid-cycling. The first thing to do for yourself is stop the caffiene. Hopefully it will make a big difference.
Posted 10/20/2010 1:33 PM (GMT -7)
I have the problem with caffeine and rapid cycling, before I was diagnosed I used to drink energy drinks and all sorts of sodas. I'm down to one energy drink and one caffienated soda(only some days) a day, which is good for me so far! I'm working on incorporating changing my eating habits as well. But Tortiose is VERY right, caffeine makes a really big difference, although my advice just from experice don't cut out your caffeine AND stop cutting at the same time because those are both big steps.
Posted 10/20/2010 1:45 PM (GMT -7)
What about decaf coffee/tea?
Posted 10/20/2010 1:48 PM (GMT -7)
thank you so much, i had no idea that caffiene had such a strong effect.  im really going to try to stop cutting, which is going to be hard because ive been doing it for 8 years.  but like DoUTripOnAir said i think im going to start with the cutting adn then gradually cut out the caffiene as well
Posted 10/20/2010 1:50 PM (GMT -7)
i dont drink decaf but i do have tea every once in a while
Posted 10/20/2010 2:33 PM (GMT -7)
You know Courtney your post has helped me more than any other post! I've had a depressin issue since I was 7yrs old, I started cutting around 11, just like you and had my first 'manic' episode right around 12. I've done things, including cutting, that at somepoint(generally not when i was doing it) that I was so confused and ashamed of. Even reading these posts, because I never knee any of 10year olds who thought they'd be better off dead! I'm really glad I read your post, I feel less alone now than I ever have.
Posted 10/20/2010 4:46 PM (GMT -7)
Decaf still has tons of caffiene in it.

20 mg of caffiene will set me off. That's less than what is in tea. Less than a 1/2 can of my fav soda.

Courtney - self-harm is a symptom, not an illness. Caffiene is triggering your illness, causing your symptom. Cut the caffiene FIRST, which will help with your illness, which will stop the symptom of self-harm.
Posted 10/20/2010 5:07 PM (GMT -7)
Isn't self harm kind of both after it moves past the initial beginning phases? It becomes routine, it's like an addiction or at least for me that's how it was. I'm curious how it is for other people? Is it really just a symptom of depression for some people? I used to do it when I was manic, depressed, or even when I was feeling alright. It became how I got rid of my stress. How is it for you all?
Posted 10/20/2010 5:20 PM (GMT -7)
Some people consider it an addiction. I believe that to a degree. I couldn't stop. BUT when I was diagnosed and treated correctly it disappeared without effort or thought.
Posted 10/20/2010 7:27 PM (GMT -7)
Yeah DoUTripOnAir ive really been able to identify with you too and ive never met anyone else who was diagonosed with depression at such an early age.  for me too cutting is just something i always do--mostly when im upset but also when im manic or just plain stressed out.  for me, because it has become so routine and in a way comforting it is going to be really hard to stop.  i was able to stop for about 4 months my senior year of high school but ended up starting again after a bad breakup.  anyways i will do what you advised tortoise and start to cut out the cafiene immediately
Posted 10/20/2010 7:52 PM (GMT -7)
That's how cutting was with me, like the one thing I could really control even if my moods and everything in my life was everywhere, I know it sounds weird but it was one of my only reliefs. Good luck with the caffeine! I'm slowly moving myself down, I was reading you should stay under 250mg of caffeine in a day? Is that the case or is it really just better to cut it all out? I'm working towards cutting it all out, it's a slow and steady process!
Posted 10/21/2010 2:17 PM (GMT -7)
I never did cut- but I scrached- expecially opening old wounds so they never did really heal.  That was when I was 11 or 12.  I still have to keep myself from opening scabbs when I get stressed.

My daughter is 12 and she has reciently (this past week) admitted to doing things like repeatadly poking herself with a rose thorn in her pocket, or scraching herself on the arm with the edge of her jump drive, or using a sewing needle to poke herself.  It is terrifying to me that she has started. 

I never got to where I was truly making cuts- and I don't want her there either.  Her appt with a PSY is monday and I don't know what to do with her until then.  How do I stop something that is so concealed? 

I hoped never to have to deal with this, even though both me and my husband are BP.  It's scarier to deal with my daughter's illness than it is to deal with my own.

Posted 10/21/2010 7:40 PM (GMT -7)
Honestly, you can't stop it. But you can help. Think on the positive, you're more geared than most parents would be if their child was doing something like this. You've caught the issue very early from the sounds of it. And you always be able to be there for your daughter in a way a lot of parents wouldn't because YOU will understand. Your daughter is lucky she has such an attentive and loving Mom, I'm sure everything will work out!
Good luck,
Tayler
Posted 10/21/2010 7:55 PM (GMT -7)
I agree with DoUTripOnAir.  im not close to my parents at all and neither of them are bipolar but if i were in your daughters situation i would have a much bigger incentive to stop cutting.  From my point of view i think the only thing you really can do is be there for her and let her know that shes not going through it alone.  Youve been there and so has your husband.  For me personally it might help if i were in your daughters situation to know that you have experimented with cutting--or in your case scratching--as well.  that way you can tell her how you were able to get through it and she wont feel so isloated in dealing with it.  because, in a way at least, you understand.  my parents have never understood me and because of it we arent close and i would never listen to their advice but this isnt the case with your daughter, so take advantage of it.  good luck :)
Posted 10/22/2010 10:05 AM (GMT -7)
Life without coffee? :( Sounds like I should kick the habit but wow...I dunno...
Posted 10/22/2010 10:38 AM (GMT -7)
Haha I think we all feel like that. I'm slowly but surely weaning myself done, my energy drink will be the hardest thing!
Posted 10/23/2010 4:22 PM (GMT -7)
Ive gotten down to one coke a day which has been and still is pretty difficult since coke is my favorite soda...but im trying!
Posted 10/23/2010 6:19 PM (GMT -7)
I think trying is a lot of what we all have to do on a regular basis. Seems like things take 10x longer than they should!
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