Posted 3/9/2011 10:37 PM (GMT -7)
sorry, there are probably a lot of threads like this, but any input would be greatly appreciated (warning - long post ahead)
I'm a 22 year old female. My mom and her mom both are bipolar. I was diagnosed with depression at a very young age (10 or so). I've been on various meds but never felt it was really "cured" - it just sort of waxes and wanes. Since there is bipolar in my family I am well aware of the symptoms of mania, and until now, I haven't seen anything in myself that could qualify as a manic episode.
about a month ago I had a spiritual experience. I've been wary of religion all my adult life because my mom's manias always involve overzealous religiosity - delusions of God talking to her, being chosen by God for something special, etc. But, I experienced something powerful, and though I initially suspected mania, I concluded it was in fact God's love that I felt. Mainly because I didn't have any delusional thoughts, nor any self-grandiose ideas. My outlook had simply changed - for once I was happy, and hopeful, no longer stuck in the past, no longer obsessed with my own self-pity and self-loathing. I wanted to do good and love everyone. I decided I was Christian, that I believed
A week or two later a major depression hit. One of my more intense lows (missed roughly two weeks of classes), it also shifted between periods of extreme anxiety - panic attacks over nothing, fear of leaving my room, sobbing for no reason. It sucked. I wasn't currently on meds; the doc put me on Prozac, which oddly enough I'd never been on before.
I've been on the Prozac a couple weeks now. There was a week where I was sort of coming out of my depression (maybe a mixed state?) and wasn't sleeping much - though I wanted to sleep normally, i couldnt get more than 2-5 hours a night. it would take forever to get to sleep and then i'd wake up and not be able to get back to sleep. though oddly enough I felt fine, sometimes even energetic, until Monday, when I finally crashed/had a panic attack. I slept Monday and Tuesday night only because I took Nyquil.
on Tuesday I woke up feeling so refreshed ... I felt ambitious. I decided to sell two of my guitars because I really only play one and the other two sit there unused. A perfectly rational decision, everyone seems to agree. I also contemplate spending $90 on wine from the internet (or rather, splitting it with a friend, $45 each) because I found a coupon in my room for $100 off, and that's a great discount! Wait, what? I do love drinking, but do I really need to buy 15 bottles of wine at once? Probably not.
Today I've felt...strange. Like there's this electricity in my body, and like my mind is on the brink of something glorious, but I can't quite express my ideas (though i did manage a few lines of verse). And I certainly can't concentrate. Not on school anyway. However I can obsessively look up info on bipolar mania online, the same way I'd compulsively read about adderall when I used adderall recreationally/to "study." I can't stop thinking I'm manic ... which perplexes me, because aren't most manic people in denial of their mania? I feel the opposite, like there must be something wrong with me, but in some ways it's not enough. I'm still in touch with reality, and I want it to take over completely, because I feel like I could achieve things, if it were stronger somehow. I've accomplished nothing today beyond tons and tons of reading about bipolar. It's like I'm almost a superhero but I'm paralyzed at the same time.
Any thoughts on what could be happening to me? Is this mania, a mixed state, or something else? Am I just talking myself into symptoms because I'm reading about them, or is something really going on?