Wow, where to begin. There is just so much to tell...*Sorry for the novel...*
My husband is two years older than I am, and we began dating while I was a senior in high school. We ended up attending the same college. At that time, I knew that (my then boyfriend) had Aspergers Syndrome, and I was fine with it. The only symptoms that I could detect was that he was a bit eccentric, and liked to play video games. However, despite the best precautions, I got pregnant. He wanted me to get an abortion, but I told him that it was against my beliefs. I told him up front that if he couldnt deal with the stressors of having a child that was fine, that I would leave and I wouldnt expect anything out of him. He decided he wanted us to stay together. Six months later, his parents basically pushed us into getting married. His father is a methodist minister. I agreed to marry him, that was my choice. For the first year of our marriage, we stayed with my husbands parents. We had both been working at the time, and when the baby came, I couldnt go to work and take care of our daughter at the same time. So he continued his job working at walmart. It seemed that overnight, having a child completley changed him.
He was unwilling to do much of anything with our daughter. Everything was left up to me. He would hardly hold on her, or even speak to her like she was a human being. Even though I begged him, he wouldnt help out with bath time or meal time, and trying to get him to change even one diaper was a chore. I would ask him to watch her for a second while I used the bathroom. He would place her on the bed next to him, and resume playing video games. She fell off the bed a few times and hurt herself pretty bad. After she got hurt a few times, I would have to ask my MIL to watch her instead.
He also did not make any move to try and better our life, by finding our own place to live. He wouldnt even look on craigslist, so I ended up having to make him put money aside so we could afford a new place. He would often try to spend money on frivolous things like nerf guns and warhammer miniatures. Eventually, we did gather enough money to move out on our own.
Things just got worse from there. Our daughter was around a year old, and when she misbehaved, he would spank her. I tried to tell him time after time that spanking at such a young age is unacceptable, but he seemed to think it was. Then gradually new symptoms started. He started becoming so forgetful. I would ask him to pick up something after work, and each time would forget. I understand that this is normal, however I would ask him to write a list and he would not. If I sent him to the store specifically for three things, he would only be able to bring back one or two things. I would tell him, you MUST get your check cashed before work because we are all out of diapers, and if you do not, we wont have any left, and the post office isnt open until monday, two days away. Well sure enough, he would not cash the check. And I would have to use these cheap gerber cloth diapers or old tshirts for the whole weekend.
The final straw the broke the camels back was the day that he lost our entire paycheck, $500 at walmart. We had our small daughter in the car, and I was pregnant with our son. I asked him what we were going to do, there was no way to the pay the rent and what not. I had to force him to go back into walmart and look around, in the car, in the trunk ect. I told him that I was sick of him being so forgetful all of the time, and that it was causing bad stuff to happen in our lives. So he decided to almost smash us, and our small daughter into a telephone pole. He didnt, thank god and pulled over. I got out of the car, and old him I wasnt comng back until he got some help.
He decided to just up and go on medical leave and go to the psychiatrist. Well what were we going to do for money? "I dont know" he says. He couldnt get unemployment, because he was technically on medical leave. A medical leave that was six months long, and we were surviving on $50 a week that his mother in law provided. I almost died with shame. I wanted to get a job, but I had been diagnosed with high blood pressure during my pregnancy.
So finally, they diagnosed him as being bipolar and they put him on abilify. It turned him into a zombie. He would sleep in a chair all day long and was only active for about 20 minutes at a time, 2 hours total a day. I told him I was not happy, and that he should talk to his doctor about switching medicines. Finally, they put him on lithium, and things started getting good. However, after 4 or 5 months of taking it, he was getting extremely forgetful. Our son had just been born.It got so bad that he almost smothered our son to death. Every time we got into the car, I would remind him to put up our sons snow flap. Well one day, I had him get into the car with the kids and said I had to pack a few more things for our day out. I said, put up the snow flap jonathan, and walked into the house. Well a half hour later I had everything we needed and got into the car. Our son was screaming his head off, extremely sweaty, pale with a tinge of blue. He had not put the flap up, and for a half hour my son was in basically a snow bag with no air.
I went hysterical. By that point I was sick of all the crap. How could he not check on our son even though he was screaming? He was doing what he did to our daughter, basically acting as if he did not exist. So he went back to the doctors and they took him off lithium. It has probably been about 5 months, and they still dont have him on any medicine.
We have been getting into fights daily, because he is still yanking our daughter around, screaming at her, ingoring our screaming son, having fits of depression where he hides in a dark room, and when I try comforting him he over reacts. If our daughter falls and hurts herself he just stand there and stares at her and doesnt help her. I get upset, and he says he cant help that his reaction times are slow= non existant. He is still not doing squat around the house unless I basically force him to. And when I do ask him to do anything it is small like changing a diaper or fixing a bottle. It all seems to be too much work for him.
We are getting in fights on a daily basis because he is refusing to work on any of his problems. He keeps telling me that I am the one that is bipolar, not him, that Im a B**ch and and a**h**e. I just cant take it anymore. We have long discussions on what we can do to change these habits, and then nothing does change. Ive asked on countless times to be included in his therapy sessions, but he says no. That they are his time to talk to his therapist. Well how do I know that they are talking about anything thats going to help us? He has been in therapy a year now, and nothing has changed, it just keeps getting worse.
What should I do? I love his parents, but they have no idea whats going on here, and to be honest they would side with him even if I did try to tell them. So if I try to leave my husband, they are probably going to start something. What should I do? I just cant take it anymore, Im at the end of my rope. I want tobe happy, and I want my children to be happy. But it seems like everyone is just miserable no matter what we do. A part of me wants to leave so bad, but another part cant help but stay.
Does anyone have any advice for me?