Thank God for an ignore button in this forum (referring to the guy above me).
(Yep, his methods don't seem to have done too much to help him).
Thanks for the replies guys. I figured I would get the responses indicating what I should do, would be. Anyone, want to kindle my hopes?
(There is no right or wrong thing to do in this situation, we all have to make our best guesstimates... you still have to wait until you get the facts together on Tuesday, coz whether we like it or not, marriage is legal and divorce is legal too and every good decision involves careful evaluation once we have researched all the relevant facts)
Even after reading them, I was still holding out hope that we could work this out, until I spoke to my cousin. For the past one or two years, my cousin has been our mediator. She basically stopped listening to me about
then. He's been married several times and has learned a lot about
it. He has been counseling us and I thought it was working. She seemed to listen to him, but now she has been listening to him less and less as his opinions continually sway my way as to how our relationship is and how to correct issues. I posed the same question to him yesterday and I fully expected him to say that we could still work it out. He has been (and directly told me) overly optimistic, to a fault. If there is even a slight chance, he seizes on that to continue being optimistic. It's one of the reasons, he's so outgoing.
(I probably don't need to tell you be grief has so many stages and twists and turns to it, it is not linear... hope, despair and everything in between and lots of cycles of it and there is no short cut as much as we'd all love there to be).
He wouldn't directly answer my question.
I was taken aback by that. He even revealed to me a couple of weeks ago, that he thought I was artfully trying to get her to leave for the past year or so. I asked him, why did he continue to try to help us, if he felt that way. He said that he is her friend as well and didn't want to see her hurt. now even he seems to be admitting that he doesn't think it will work.
Denial is one cruel *****.
i realized this morning that I meant what I said about
wanting a separation, now. I went to my monthly game yesterday and noticed all day and night, that I didn't feel like being there. After doing a bit of soul searching and reflection about
the past few months and years, this morning after not sleeping again, I realized that I am truly out of gas. For years this has been like a scale with effort on both sides. The effort on her side gradually lightened and I compensated for it by adding myself to the other.
(I think I understand, when we want something so bad, we leave no stone unturned, without even realise we've been trying to juice the stones as well! We are exhausted but we still can't let go, but feel too exhausted to hang on and then get scared that when we feel ourselves starting to let go... is that how it feels? almost surreal?).
She knew ( with no ambiguity) that she wasn't to drink and how I would feel about
it and that all the counselors and shrinks forbade it. (Despite not managing her illness well, and how that impacts on you, try to reserve just a little bit of space to remember she didn't chose the illness. You hardly seem like a bitter person, and you probably do have awareness that it is not necessarily intentional and designed to bring you pain even though it inevitably does! It doesn't excuse her behaviour
but it may just help salve your exasperation in your most troubled moments?)
I realized that, that was the last straw and there was nothing left of me to balance the scales. I have been the one (with the exception of an occasional cleaning) maintaining our house hold. Over the past month, I noticed that I haven't had the will to wash our clothes. Every two weeks or more frequently I would wash clothes. I have been puzzled lately as to why I haven't washed all our clothes in over a month. Never happened before. Or how I have NEVER missed a game day (I liked them that much) in three years, to how over the past three months, I have missed them all. Spending money on lunch, when I normally brown bag at least one of my meals for work, since I like to cook things on the weekends. Haven't had the strength to cook.
This morning I realized after some reflection that the scale has tipped again, except there is nothing left of me to balance it. I have invested so much, that I have neglected myself now and the strength to take care of both of us is now gone. I don't know how I am going to handle this, as she won't leave,
but I now know this has to end. That was the final
straw and I don't think anything she can do will fix it. I am sure she doesn't appreciate that fact or will if I tell her. I am sure that denial will kick in and I will see the pain in her eyes and I will find the strength to try again.
(I spose at the end of the day we need to validate ourselves and pull our own strength back, even if that means letting go of the one we love - and you know I speak from experience. It really hurts but sometimes we have to amputate our gangrene leg without anesthetic to save our own life but sometimes we are in that position to have to choose. You are not responsible for your wife. You are not responsible for her illness. Sometimes support makes one lazy and while I might be wrong there is a possibility that she may be responsible if her responsibilities are places fairly and firmly back on her lap. You can still love her and take your power back. Maybe taking your power back can be the most loving thing you can do for both of you???)
We have a counseling session on Thursday. I think I will bring all this up then. Maybe she will get the message, since talking to her one on one, won't sink in. (Sometimes nothing can get through to people who don't have the capacity to absorb anything but their own perspective. I can say though that my ex could actually listen to me when I spoke to the counsellor even though he hasn't listened to me when I've spoken the same words / same tone directly to him. It doesn't change the outcome but he's amazed with how the lightbulb went on for him, and he found the space to see things from my perspective for the very first time.)
I didn't ever think I would let it get to the point where I started harming myself to keep this going, but here I am waking up to the fact. I have nothing left to give her and now I have to start repairing the damage to myself. The hard part is that I still
love her and I don't want to see her hurt.
(She's got to start loving herself and stop hurting herself. She's got to dig deep and find that within herself).
After she came back from those two drinks and I told her I wanted the sep, she said, "well she might as well drink" (I put the last of the household beer in my car trunk early this month, to hide it). The other day she noticed it in the trunk, but she had been doing so well, I didn't think it mattered. She asked me what I thought of that (her getting the beer), I told her to knock herself out as I didn't care anymore. She brought one back up, waited for me to say something. I didn't even look her way, she put it on the table and went to bed. That kindled a little bit of hope. She is very clear about
me being the reason she drinks, because I don't show her attention.
(That is crap. My husband was the most aloof man on the planet. I never drank because of his coldness.)
She called me last night during my game wanting to talk. I didn't feel like it and knew she was looking for some support. I told her I was busy. Even though I didn't want to be at my game, I dreaded coming back home when it was over. Guess what, that beer on the table was now empty. At least she didn't cut herself, as I was feeling she might.
(I think she would get a lot better if she didn't have you to manipulate. After 30 odd years of being manipulated by my mother, as a sick single mother with a sick young child in tow, I drove hours away to stop my mother from killing herself. After years of being trained to be the "bunny", I realised my son was my responsibility and I had to let my mother go. She would have to rely on the suicide prevention services available to everyone. I had to be prepared for her to suicide and of course she didn't, but I got free, broke the cycle and became a better mother to my own child.)
She's going to crash and burn now, and I don't think I care anymore. I don't have the strength to hold her hand anymore and that is going to be her excuse to go back to drinking and messing her meds up.
Man...... This is supposed to be a holiday weekend..... We were going to spend time together and now i don't want to and probably won't. Another excuse for her....
(it doesn't matter what she says anymore. you have to get her voice out of your head and replace it with your own. you don't deserve to be abused. you deserve a life of peace, calm, support, fun, laughter, joy, freedom, relaxation. its up to you to take that leap but you need to prepare how you are going to do it. its okay to oscillate, every abused spouse does. its okay to go back and leave again, it is an ongoing process but one day you will be free to take in a deep breath and life your life fully with joy and peace).