Hi Everyone. I'm not sure what all to say.
I have a life long history of mental and phyical abuse since the age of about 7.
I am an artist in many ways... I draw, I sing Opera, I play the piano, I am highly succesfull in my career..... blah blah blah.
2 years ago my boyfriend and I decided if we were going to be parents, we had better do it, we weren't getting younger. So we some how miraculously got pregnant. I have Endometriosis and the hormones/ovaries and functionality of my parts was at best questionable. But we did it! At 18 weeks, on of my ovaries twisted and caused and 18cm (think basketball) cyst to develop. They had to do uetrine surgery while I was pregnant. Fortunately, everything went fine and we now have the most awesome 16 month old daughter in the world. The end result on my body is that I now I have 1/4 of 1 ovary left. I am still producing Testostermone at the regular level and Estrogen at 1/8 of the level it should be.
Add to this that I was sick Eclampsia at 26 weeks and was in the hospital trying to keep our little girl in as long as possible. She came at 29 weeks and I remained in the hospital for another 3 weeks. That's 6 weeks total.
NOW....... out of the hospital, had the baby, everything is fine.... we're past the stage where I should be completely and emotionally wiped out from "new mom"edness. She's sleeping through the night and everything is as it should be in that regard. Oh, I forgot... we got married in there too... a month after she was born.... oh and I only have one kidney so meds are a touchy subject to start with.
I have my own hormones all mixed up and I've had so many different drugs pumped into me from so many different doctors for so many different things over the past two years (in my mind) it's no wonder that I'm psycho....So I tried to wean myself off of all my medicine over the last couple weeks. I was off of everything except I was taking 300mg Trileptal 1 x daily. Nothing else, no tylenol... nothing.
Three days ago I had a HUGE panic attack and now I'm bawling all the time and I don't want to get in the car or do anything... I'm not myself. That's when it hit me, THIS is what it's going to be like for the rest of my life. Yeah.... I'm DEFINETELY in a depressed state now. I didn't personal see the "other" side as manic at all, but THIS is clearly a depresssed side.
I got in to see my primary care yesterday to get stabilized: They put me on basically the same thing I was on in the hospital except no Seroquel.
300 mg Triplepal 2 x day
.5 Ativan 1 x day
50 mg Zolft 1 x day
I didn't cry yesterday, but I'm foggy/slow, so I guess it's working.
How do you get past the "this is what it's going to be like for the rest of my life" line of thinking and the impact it has on those around you? I feel so incredibly guilty, my husband didn't ask for this and my daughter is innocent. Seriously, it's got to get better than this..... right?