Posted 8/29/2011 4:36 PM (GMT -6)
I’ve made the commitment to survive
Life isn’t dependant on quality of life
It is about making the best of my decision to live.
I wonder how the childless mentally ill survive
Without that overwhelming love for a child to hold them to life.
But they are spared the difficulties of mental illness parenting
And the inverted challenge of loving, guiding, protecting
a little human well, from the place of sickness.
Separating one’s sense of self out from the repellent symptoms.
Accepting life on it’s own terms, not desires and expections
That cannot be fulfilled.
High libido but no context in which to express it.
Connections crumble one after another after another
Living as fully as one can, without aggrevating symptoms.
Being an elite athlete in a quadraplegic's body but grateful
It is just a metaphor. I can still wipe my own arse and for that
I’m incredibly thankful.
Loneliness of being unable to sustain close friendships when
There is not enough room to hide my pain.
90% depression or dysphoric hypomania.
I live for the 10% normal mood.
I know I could not hold on if it wasn’t for the medication
Lowering most of pain from the intensity of feeling “burnt alive”
to a difficult, quite painful but manageable depression.
The post-traumatic stress, the borderline personality disorder
Tugging at the bipolar… most times the pstd and bpd manage
to topple any shortlived stability into bipolar pain…
Can’t tell you how much I love those times when the meds hold me tight.
They are made more precious by their infrequency.
Fatigue so bad, it glues my body to the bed, like a force pushing down on me.
Confusion so bad, I can’t work out how to get dressed.
I see what housework needs to be done but I no longer know how to do it.
I want to do it, if I just start, I will be able to do something
But I can’t move my body the fatigue is so bad.
I won’t get upset. I will accept I am sick and wait for a better day.
Loneliness and frustration adheres me to on line forums.
I get to interact in a social capacity, helping.
Overcooking is hardly helping, but it gives me an outlet.
Delicious seroquel sleep becomes a memory, as I attempt to stop eating myself to death.
Headaches from the withdrawl.
Mood instability waiting for the lithium levels to build up higher.
Refusing to go back on the full seroquel dose until those levels build up.
Still insane appetite, but with lowered mood and cognitive confusion and insomnia.
Fatigue has lessened from severe to moderate.
I have energy! Whoa! … but couldn’t be bothered finding my way out of the paper bag,
even in my mind could work out how to do it.
This will pass – nothing stays the same in life.
Bipolar will remain, but so will my resilience and commitment to survive.
I keep dusting off thereal “me” that is underneath these chronic illnesses
And I keep presenting the real me to myself and to the world, as much as realistically possible.
I set realistic goals for myself and not beat myself up for the times my health interferes.
I do everything in my power to balance my health concerns and have myself as healthy as possible.
Please God, give me the strength to always uphold my commitment to survive.