I have been bipolar (type I) as long as I can remember, about 25 years. I finally met the man of my dreams about 12 years ago - it was love at first sight for both of us! He has stuck by my refusal to get stabilized, (of course enjoying my mania) and making him mostly miserable, but with intermittent periods of extreme love and happiness. I finally agreed to get stable last year and went through hell (in bed for 2 months after crash), but agreed to tough it out becuase he had finally said he couldn't stay if I didn't get on meds.
Bless his heart, I have bankrupted us, left for a week with a guy, had a rage disorder, irritability to the point his breathing or eating would make my skin crawl. I can't believe he stayed. But through all of it, I really did love him and need him.
After I went on meds, I slowly started becoming this other person that was buried in there all along. Sweet, giving, caring, supportive and very loving. I now treat him like a king, constantly remembering I have 11 years to make up for. I love him more than life itself and we have never been happier! He spends ALL his time with me, we are each other's best friends and it's almost like a fairy tale. We rarely argue, I have learned to communicate calmly, he taught me that. I am so grateful he stayed, and that he turned my life around.
OK, here's my problem. I constantly worry about him dying. I think about it numerous times every day. I never did that before. I seriously know that if he did, I would commit suicide. I can't live without him, nor would I want to.
I know, everybody tell me to get out, get a hobby etc. I have, but don't care to be around other people too much, so cooking is my hobby and fitness, all of which I do at home. I'm happy that way. But it doesn't compare to being with him.
Does anybody else feel this way? How do you cope with it? I've been in therapy - love my counselor. She give great advice and really helps, just not in this situation.