Ellie, this is Psychnurse (screw up with login!)
We ALL have the dread of losing mania. We ALL go through quitting meds because of it. Not to get personal, but many of us lose our marriage BECAUSE of the mania. Are you sure it didn't have anything to do with your seperation?
Changing from mania to stable feels like everything is going in slow motion for awhile. You have to relearn who you are. You may not like it at first, but your family and friends will love you for it, trust me. I resisted for 15 years after my diagnosis and almost lost my husband due to irritability, anger and reckless spending among other things. Most of us with mania drive other people crazy! No pun intended LOL!
Do you enjoy not sleeping at night? Do you honestly think you are better off? Hasn't anyone told you about the problems they see in you? They can't all be wrong, assuming they have, of course.
It takes a good while to get used to being stable, but you know, it's heaven once you do. You think clearly, lose the impulsive behaviour that you later regret, the holier than thou attitude, (grandiose thinking), you sleep at night with the right meds, and lots more. Just have a peaceful feeling, something you probably know nothing about. You will NOT be a zombie or boring after the transition. i.e wat goes up must come down, i.e. crash. You probably will go through a pretty good depression first. But with the right meds, (mood stabilizer plus lamictal works wonders in most) you WILL come out of it and get stable.
What concerns me is your inability to tell your husband about your diagnosis. You have to be able to communicate with him or it won't work out anyway in the long run. You may be actually surprised that he will support you and try to help, knowing you are going to get better! If he doesn't then maybe it's better to move on. Give him literature to help him understand, have him go with you to your psychiatrist to get a better grasp of what's going on with you. This diagnosis is GOOD, not bad. Means you can get help. Mania feels good to us, but not to others most of the time.
With the right combination of meds, you will not live in a permanent state of depression. If you feel yourself falling into one, call your doc. Don't let yourself get fully into a mania or depression before you call, the deeper in you get, the harder and longer it takes for the meds to get you out.
Bottom line - get help! Be brave, face it and don't give up! You will be alright and frankly, happier.
I hope this helps, hon!