Hi there elfenprincess (great handle by the way).
I dont know much about BPD. But i know BP really well. BP2 is known for its depressions.
Are you on any medications?
Suffering from mood swings is tough, i used to have to deal with them also. Now i use several coping mechanisms that allow me peace and calm without meds for the most part.
Step one was using meds to get calm to begin with. You cant get to a place you have never been, the meds allowed me tiem there to understand calm, and how good a place it really is.
Step 2 was identifing things in my life that were causing me great stress and distress. Knowing what they were was very important. Stress is an important part of everyones life, we need a healthy dose of it. Distress on the other hand is something everyone can live without.
Step 3 . this was the hard part, but i had to divest myself of as many things causing me distress as i could. And those things i couldnt get rid of, i had to find ways to lessen the impact of thier being in my life. Example, negative people in your life. Gettign rid of them and being alone is so much better then having a bad influnce in your life.
Step 4. Find something you are passionate about, something that you can make your own. You said you look to others and want to be them, but the things you see in them you can make into yourself. If you see a generous person, you can work hard and become a generous person also. All behaviours can be learned and unlearend (IMHO). Thats how we grow, we see good in others and say, hey, i want to be just like that person. Finding something you love to do, (for me its bicycles) and making it your own is a very powerful statement. Many people do not understand doing a job to the best of your ability, maily cause they are afraid of failure, or just dont care. I have found if you care about something, what ever it is, then you own it and it becomes a huge part of you. Im not saying it will fill the hole you have inside of you, but it will keep you busy enjoying life that maybe you wont look into that hole so often.
Step 5. This is a biggie. Love Yourself. Honesty i see so much self hate and loathing in your post. ng person. You need to find in yourself a love that others cant take away. If there are things you dont like, then work to change them. But at the same time while working to change them dont waste your time on this wonderfull world each day hating yourself. Find the love in yourself and no one can ever take that away.