Some of my loneliest periods were being married and living with my spouse under the same roof. Happiness is indeed an inside job. Relationships are very difficult for me. I still do not know how to love unconditionally. Sometimes I can but usually I am trying to inflict my will, opinion, control over the other person. This can be insidious such as manipulation tactics that are so ingrained in me that I don't even know I am doing it! So for me, not running away from a relationship, staying with it and working it out is a new behavior. I am finding that it helps me to stay in the moment. I make better decisions that way.
How I have wished to be alone and single with no children at times! The unencumbrance of it all. I desperately wanted to become a Buddhist nun in February and live in the forest with the bhikkunis in Sonoma County...but I was married! I have made choices and they are life long choices and these relationships can be very trying. You have freedom!
When I am lonely I force myself to call someone or I write or make art. Sometimes I hike alone in the canyon. I took a medicinal hiking class and met people that way. Everyone suffers from loneliness. It is human. When I am invited to something, I have to force myself to go but I always have a good time. Especially if I am sitting on the pity pot...if I help someone else who is worse off than me, I feel better because I get out of my own self-centeredness.
I do not like pets either. There is nothing wrong with that. I also fail with plants. So what? We all have different gifts, likes and dislikes and none of them is right or wrong.
I find that being aware of the moment I am in, no matter what I am doing, makes it more enjoyable. Also, nature is a great place to be. The small things give me joy...forget about
writing the great American novel...go stare at a weed for an hour...you will be amazed at what comes to you.
These are just things I do when I feel lonely. My spiritual connection is the most important thing in my life. It supercedes all relationships, job, activities...it is the All and the Everything that keeps me somewhat stable and wanting to live. Know that you're loved and you are never truly alone. We all have unseen spirit guides and angels...you have US here...you could even join a writing group or try a new hobby. I have a friend that is learning to play the mandolin. I don't have any friends outside of A.A. and Alanon. I just have not been able to meet people either but I have gotten fast friends in the meetings. I am sort of friends with one of my neighbors.
You could always fall in love with another bipolar person! That is what I did. But if you do...it's quite a jumbly log ride down a twisting river. However, no one quite understands me like another bipolar...we also are able to offer each other much compassion because we are empathetic and extremely sensitive to each others moods. He is also an artist and is funny. He is also quite irritating and I hack off at him. We are constantly breaking up and working it out. We are always trying to stay sober, getting drunk and screwing up, going off and on meds, getting clean and sober, marriage counselling, doing art, trying to be parents of kids that come in and out of our lives, learning what we can and can not handle...I.e. pets! Our mantra is," Let's pull it back together." And we do, and all goes well until the wheels fall off the track again! But that is just how it is. It ain't pretty, sometimes messy, but I learn more about
myself through relationships than when I am alone. But it sucks too to have someone else point out your character flaws and then have to look at yourself and try to change. But I am
open to change. I guess. Am I really or am I parrotting? Hmmmmmm.
Post Edited (red lightening) : 5/21/2012 10:16:11 AM (GMT-6)