Posted 9/4/2012 12:29 AM (GMT -7)
Hello everybody. This past year has been hell for me, confused and I don't know what to think anymore. This post will probably sound strange, maybe even stupid to some of you guys. But I am trying to do my best to help you guys understand what exactly went on.
Basically, I've been having self esteem problems and social anxiety since I was around late elementary or middle school. But I knew that I did all along and gradually built myself up slowly to a point where I didn't completely hate myself. I did that by reading a lot about the human brain and psychology.
I was behind on my homework, procrastinating as usual trying to avoid doing it. I was laying on my bed at 2 AM in the morning. I was thinking about how I'm procrastinating and finding it kind of humorous that I know I shouldn't fall for my old procrastination excuses.By this time, I was slowly realizing that I should be more kind to myself and stop my self loathing. But anyway, at that moment, it occurred to me that I can get out of my bed, stop procrastinating and finish all my homework. So thats what I did. Furiously.
The more I did, the more good I felt about myself. By the way, it was A LOT of homework. I finished it in three hours. When I was finally done, I felt the best I felt about myself my whole life. Now the important thing to realize here is that I realized that I have way more capability than I thought I had. It opened up my eyes and gave me a big boost in self-efficacy.
So yeah, from that day up to maybe at most a month, I felt pretty good and motivated. I felt like the REAL ME. How I should have been feeling like this whole time. My self esteem was high I would say. I started reading about historical figures and I was really inspired and I hoped I would do something great in my life. ( I looked back on this later in my depressed state and thought "DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR, AHA YOU FOOL")
But of course, at a point, I remember I had some self doubts about a certain situation. Here I was thinking I finally can respect myself and do something, and this stupid thought wouldn't leave me alone.
That night, I accidently came up on "hypomania". Long story short, I diagnosed myself bipolar 2, felt depressed about how I am probably going into depression, and this caused more depression. I fell back into my old ways. I didn't know what I am or what I can do. I was confused. I didn't tell anybody and was depressed for months.
Now here I am still depressed but not big time, realizing that in almost a year since that whole homework thing happened, I have never had a SINGLE HYPOMANIC experience. I'm doubting if I had Bipolar in the first place and it was just me psyching myself up and then psyching myself down.
I repeat, ever since that incident, for more than a year straight I didn't have any "highs". Quite the contrary.
Please help, might I still have bipolar 2?
I can go into a lot more detail if anyone needs me to, to help them answer my question.
Another thing, I was reading about how to know if your bipolar or just moody, and this guy said that people with bipolar usually change moods with no apparent cause. In my case, all my feelings were caused by a situation.