Posted 3/24/2013 5:41 AM (GMT -7)
Hi all. Typing numbly here just waiting for my appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow. I'm 33, was diagnosed bpd when I was 20 but have been ignored since then. 4 suicide attempts, crazy highs, devestating lows, messed up relationships, bizarre decisions, crazy reckless damaging behaviour and a recent move to Australia with my 3 children as a single mum I have fallen apart and my new doctor here in Australia has suggested bipolar. Reading about it now it feels like the past 15 years makes sick sense :(
I am in the middle of what can only be described as a living hell. I'm in bed because its hurting to much to not be but my mind is going mental with thinking, it hurts to think :( I have so much energy but the darkness in my head is overbearing, torture, the last two weeks has been a mixture of feeling like I can heal the world whilst wanting to die, anger, rage, hysteria, pain, excitement, mad exercise and then no exercise, energy but no focus, a million things started but nothing continued, I feel like I'm going mad. So agitated, tapping fingers, chewing nails, picking my head, tapping my feet, pacing, crying, and eating, so much eating because its the only thing that calms the tornado. I have gained 5 kg in the last 2 weeks.
Please someone tell me I'm okay :( I'm here lying in the dark sobbing because I just can't bear what's in my head anymore. I'm frightened of everything, I don't know what mood I'm in because I'm in all moods and I don't know what to expect next. I cant be bothered but then i jump up with energy "im going to......" and then forget how or why or what .... i cant even brush my teeth :(......If I could explain better i would but there's too many words to get out if my head onto here. Nothing makes sense. If anyone has done words, anything please to get me through tonight I would be so grateful and please god let the psychiatrist diagnose me right at last tomorrow, I can't handle another wrong diagnosis, im pretty sure i dont have bpd. Please let me say thank you to you for reading in advance and I'm sorry for having ranted for so long.
Did any of this make sense to anyone?