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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 9/13/2013 12:46 AM (GMT -8)
 

Hi I am so happy to find this forum. I am hoping I may be able to find support from parents and carers who support their child with bipolar?

I feel the need to share my story or her story. Don't know if it will help, but just maybe someone out there will know how I am feeling.

My daughter (now 24yrs) was finally diagnosed with Bi-polar 2 two years ago, after being treated for ongoing depression since 15. Truth be known this beast was probably surfacing years before that. Temper tantrums, manically happy one minute tears and hatred the next, following me round the house yelling at me to listen to her like a child having a temper tantrum. I tried to stay calm, tried to listen tried to understand.

She is a bright, clever sensitive person, but I knew something wasnt right.

We spent years top toeing around her, never knowing which side of her personality she was going to show. Anger outbursts. Things smashed. Her younger sister never wanting to bring friends home for fear of what her sister might say or do.

Finally 2 years ago the ultimate outburst. She went to lash out at her sister, i stood in the way and she hit me { I must admit she has a good right hand punch} that was probably the wake up call for all of us. She left, her sister was hysterical and me well I was so shocked I just sat and cried not knowing where I had gone wrong as a parent, as well as nursing a very big black eye!

Well to cut a long story short I did the one thing no parent wants to do. My husband and I said she could not come home until she saw someone and got help. So hard. But it worked.

She saw a psychiatrist who after many consultations diagnosed Bipolar 2. Then came the balancing of meds.

During this she was doing a Midwifery degree, so lots of pressure.

Every essay she writes she gets so streesed and hysterical. Her brain just will not do what she wants it to do. Having said that she is a great midwife ( I am a midwife myself) she has a natural ability to connect with the women she cares for, and strangely her symptoms are controlled when she is on placement.

She is now on the home stretch, applied for Graduate positions for next year, and 2 essays to go.

I am amazed at her strength and resiliance that she has got through this course. She knows she can never work full time but 3 to 4 days a week will be ok.

What I need help with is this. It is only me she phones and cries to. It is only me she calls when all is falling down. I am her main support petrson which is so hard. Most of the time I try to be so patient with her but sometimes I get so frustrated and then I get cross. I dont understand her inability to cope with more than one stressful thing at a time. When I make suggestions such as "go to see your tutor she can help with your essay"I am met with resitance and negativity. I feel like I have completed another Midwifery degree myself.

I am tierd of being the only one she talks to. Does that sound selfish? I think it does. Then I get scared, I know it will always be this way. What does the future hold for her? She wants to meet someone, have children, how? Then i get scared that one day in the depth of her depression it will all get too much and I will lose her forever. I am so sad for her, she knows she is clever and bright and hates the way her brain wont work anymore. She has seen her grades go dwon from high destinctions to barely a pass mark. I tell her that grades do not make a good midwife but she wont listen.

So does anyone out there have any words of wisdom. Two of my friends know about my daughter but they dont get it.

Who helps the carers?

Linda

Posted 9/13/2013 1:43 AM (GMT -8)
Ok, my first question is how did she graduate from HS, let alone get into college if she can't take a test or write a paper? Where was she living when she wasn't living with you? If she was violent why doesn't she have a police record? Did your family ever consider therapy/counseling. Was she ever on meds for Depression? Anti-depressants can cause manic-like symptoms especially in teenagers. Also, a lot of teenagers, yell, cry, fight with their siblings, threaten to runaway, its part of their journey. I had personal experience, my daughter was diagnosed Bi-Polar at 15 but she was also doing drugs, running away and dropping out of school, I protected her from the court/jail system and therefore the consequences of her actions. We did do counseling, separately and together, i made her go back to school and I took her 12 Step Meetings and I made her take the meds. She won't take them now, she had to get a GED and she still doesn't have her drivers license, but she's 22 its Her life now, she can make it work or mess it up and have to start over again but its Her decision. I consider it a gift that she calls me when her life is blowing up and I'm here for her but I don't live her life do things for her she should be capable of doing for herself. The Midwife thing I don't even know what to say.
Posted 9/13/2013 3:23 AM (GMT -8)
Hi sorry not sure what angle you are coming from. She graduated from high school because she is a bright clever person, she dropped out of Uni doing her first degree due to depressionand moved home for 6 months because she was unable to function, she moved out from home to do her Midwifery degree. yes we had lots of councelling both family and individual. She may have been violent but only to her family.I loved her so no police involved I needed to protect her. She has the love and support of a loving supportive family, and yes I encourage her to be independant.
Yes lots of kids have temper tantrums as part of adolescence but this was different.As a parent I knew it was differant.
I thought this forum was about support. Instead i now feel accused or challenged?
Yes I am eternally grateful she calls me, but sometimes it is hard being the only one to support her and I thought I might find some support through this forum.
As for the midwife thing........what would I expect you to say. I am sorry your daughter took drugs etc, and its good you were there for her. And yes that is your journey as a family.Our journey and my daughters journey are ours. I will always be there for my daughter and if I can help her not make mistakes I will do that. She is capable of taking on the world and is an amazing person with strength and sensitivity, and she is making her way in the world. I dont live her life for her, but there are many times especially when under stress that she struggles. to leave her to her own devices would be disasterous. If I can help her I will.
Posted 9/13/2013 3:33 AM (GMT -8)
Having just read the guidelines on posts it points out that this is a support forum for people with bipolar so guess this is not for me.
Posted 9/17/2013 5:59 PM (GMT -8)
Linda,

This has always been a supportive place for carers in the past. I can't see why it can't be now.
Are you taking on too much? You bet your booties you are!

Your daughter's psychiatric and psychological team needs to be the first port of call for her, not you.

If she can't cope with her studies, she needs to not do them. It is simply far too much pressure on you.

I am bipolar myself and a mother of a bipolar 16 1/2 year old son. He lives with his father because of his violence and abusiveness towards me. Our relationship is probably lost forever. I have also reconciled myself with the fact that I have done absolutely everything to get him help and if he suicides it is because HE has refused to manage his bipolar well enough.

It may sound heartless, but I don't have anyone supporting me and I have done my best as a mentally ill woman alone in the world bringing up a mentally ill child. I got him the best treatment I could in the years I had control over such things. I don't have any control over that now at his age and his level of sickness. I can only refuse to be assaulted in my own home, for my own sake.

You seem to have a lot less mental health issues than me so are fortunately able to assist your daughter far more than I can assist my son - but I suggest you still try to use that capacity wisely. A lack of boundaries does not help a bipolar sufferer. I speak as a daughter of a bipolar sufferer, as a bipolar sufferer myself and as the mother of a bipolar sufferer. I how it feels to be on the other end of the illness as well as how it feels to experience all the horrid symptoms. It really is a dreadful disease.

I wish you all the very best Linda. Keep talking if you need to. Hugs x

Post Edited (Living Well) : 9/17/2013 8:02:02 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/17/2013 6:29 PM (GMT -8)
Hi again,
I probably should have read recoveryme2day and your subsequent post before replying. In that context I too come across as challenging and accusing and I don't mean to be. I don't know recoveryme2day too well as I have been away from the board for 18 months. Even so, I think most moderators here are coming from a good place. Possibly try to read the repost in the light of a mother or father merely sharing their story of parenting their child with bipolar, not necessarily trying to prescribe to you what to do about a person with a serious illness they have never met before???

Try not to get caught in the trap of protecting your mentally ill child from consequences. Being bipolar does bring unfair consequences to our lives and we have to learn how to manage the fall outs from our illnesses for ourselves. No one lives for ever and not propping your daughter up will protect her from a huge fall when you pass away. You need encourage her to always rely on her specialists first and leave your relationship with you as a friend and a support, rather than a carer.

I can tell you my bipolar mother protected my bipolar brother from all the consequences for his actions and she bred a criminally ill homicidal monster that requires the Tactical Response Team to engage with him as he is far too dangerous for ordinary police to manage. I'm not suggesting all mentally ill people reach that level but it important for mentally ill people to accept responsibility for themselves and managing their illness so they are less destructive to those around them.

Sometimes the extremes can illustrate things well though. The threat of homicide in families where mental illness is present is far greater than other families. It is a sad fact that my schizophrenic cousin hacked off my uncles head a few years ago. When the prehomicide indicators became too high in my family, a couple of years later, I moved cities and changed my identity and became a protected person. I don't have family because of mental illness. My mother's mismanagement of my brother and his illness made our family a death trap. That is why I don't tolerate violence from my son because I refuse to help turn into a homicidal monster like my mother did my brother.

I hope that helps give you another perspective. It is at the severe end of the spectrum and your situation needs to managed as the moderately severe level it is at, not as the lowest or the severest. Only you really know your family and essentially what is the best way to protect yourself from your daughters illness. Because at the end of the day who supports the carer? ...yup, you guessed it - the carer :(

Hugs,

Jade
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