Hi, Patti, I am truly sorry you feel that way. I think I have tried very hard to explain my intention in my post to you, that it wasn't meant to hurt your feelings, only to help motivate you.
I never said your illnesses were "all in your head". I said they are driven (made much worse) by depression, stress, anxiety and mania. Our minds have a LOT to do with illnesses. When we get better in the mind, the illnesses become much less bothersome, and can even go away, and that is a fact. There are studies that prove even cancer survivors who went into treatment with a positive "I'm going to beat this" attitude more often than not did beat it, even stage 4 cancer. (The deadliest). The ones who are convinced they are going to lose the battle usually do. If it can work for cancer, it can work for migraines and stomach issues as well. (Again, I mean reduced symptoms and many times no symptoms left).
So you think I don't understand?????????? Honey, I have been seriously ill with this since GRADE SCHOOL! I just didn't know, and of course my parents just thought I was a bad kid. I was repeatedly beaten with a leather strap on bare skin until I had welts and bruises, or anything else handy. I was beaten for making a C. If my dad came home in a bad mood (which he usually did, as he is also bipolar) he would think of a reason to beat me. Not ever my sis, tho, no. I was terrifed of him and dreaded every night when he came home . Along with that, I was emotionally abused as well, always being told I would amount to nothing, I didn't apply myself, no incentive to do better in anything except fear. No love, no affection from either (always working) parents and I wanted that desperately. My mom just did what he said and always backed him, never ever once defended me. She beat me occasionally too. My behaviour in social situations of any kind was so weird and inappropriate, I could never make friends. The ones I made later on in high school didn't understand me, either. Top it off with borderline personality disorder that I still suffer from (unrealistic fear of abandonment, unreasonable expectations and demands on friends, family, etc.) that I will never get over. No I wasn't sexually abused, but that was enough to f*** me up in a thousand ways.
No kids, didn't want them, am in no shape to be a mother then or now. My 2 dogs are my kids, I love them dearly.
Work? I guess you didn't know I am disabled now, in spite of being "stable". It's fragile at best. One big stress and I am manic. One serious dissapointment and I start in on depression. I have to practically live in a carefully controlled low stress environment. That or constantly radically changing my meds, which don't work immediately as you know. I loved my occupation dearly and I resisted disability for 3 years all the while my pdoc telling me I had to. Well, the stress landed me in the hospital one too many times, so I did. It sucked to have to swallow my pride and admit I couldn't do it anymore.
I have no love for my father, as he has continued to belittle me well into adulthood, always judging the way I live and telling me I am a f**kup regardless of what I do. I think he said he was proud of me when I finished school. BTW, I goofed off the first semester of college and made a 2.5 GPA, so that was the end of school paid for by my parents. When I was serious about going, I had to work full time, support myself living alone (moved 2 states away at 21 by myself) making $8 an hour with a car payment on top of everything else and go to school right after work every night of the week until 10:30 p.m. then commute home. I slept on my lunch breaks instead of eating. It was darn hard.
Like I said, I have lost lots of people, I have no friends now except Paul. I am not out there having a great time with my friends. Thank God Paul is my best friend, I did get extremely lucky there. BTW this is my 3rd marriage. Divorced twice by age 21. Believe it.
Hate myself? Good god, yes. Every single day that I was mean to Paul or anyone, I hated myself for it. You can't take back abusive words and actions, only apologize and hope it didn't scar them too much. I don't have to tell you that. I bankrupted us! How many people can deal with that? I think about that 47K I charged up in 3 months and cannot believe that was me; I was always meticulous about credit. It makes me hate myself even more. My poor husband didn't deserve to go from perfect credit, home, two cars, etc. to bankrupt. Oh, and did I tell you I ran off with some sleazy guy 5 years ago? The guy was psycho, so was I. It turned dangerous, he was basically holding me hostage, threatened me with a knife if I ever left him because he "loved" me so much. He took over my car, my cell phone, cut all contact off with everybody who called, including Paul. All I could think about was wanting to be home with Paul. He never ever slept, and if he did nap he slept with my phone. I couldn't leave any room (stayed in different hotel every night) because he would wake up. He stole my only credit card out of my purse while I was in the shower and spent a LOT of money. This went on for 12 days. Driving all day long, stay at a hotel every night. I didn't realize I was paying for it. Found out, he was an ex con, professional con artist. Luckily I did get away and called the cops, they arrested him, I called Paul (it was 2 in the a.m.) and begged him to take me back. He did. There's more I have done, horrible things, but too much to even start!
So I haven't had anything really bad happen, I don't understand? I do. I'm sorry if I'm blunt, I don't mean anything by it, that's just me. I just don't want those kinds of things to happen to other people, not to mention committing suicide, when help is there. Please don't leave the forum. I do care, even tho I don't know you personally. I wouldn't have answered your post if I didn't.
Sorry for the rambling, thanks for listening.