First off - I am a little worried no one will see this message because I saw psychnurse mentioning she isn't see'ing new threads! So Im not even sure this will get there! Ha!
Oh well, Ill try anyway! Warning: This is going to be sort of long!! If you don't want to read it all, thats ok!! LOL
I've been diagnosed with Bi-polar and Anxiety/Panic Disorder. Quite a few years ago I was dx w/ BP. The anxiety thing is newer. That came on after my son was born. Ill go on with descriptions of what I do/did in a bit.
I was started out on the ever so popular Prozac. Didn't do much for me, but I also don't think I was with a good doctor. Just a regular Dr. It some-what controlled the depression side of things, but it didnt control the mood swings very well. They were cut down, but not even by half. Then I went to a psychiatrist, and was put on Zoloft and Depakote. I gained some amount of weight with this combination. He had me going 2x a week!!!! I wasnt even that bad (yet!). So- he saw $$ when I walked through his door 2x a week. Then, I started telling him that I wasnt really noticing a big difference - didn't matter to him - he just kept smoking. Yes, he smoked in his office! You could barely seem him, he was always engulfed in a cloud of smoke.
Then my grand-mother passed away and I can not even tell you how close I was with her. We were attached at the hip. We also shared an apartment together. So- she passed away very very unexpectedly (she was healthy and very active/young for her age!). We had just come back from vacation the night before. Got home from the trip (not a long one), went to bed, woke up the next morning, went into her bedroom to see if she wanted to go get breakfast. She was gone (passed away). So - I was traumatized highly by witnessing such a thing as that. I called this Doctor who smoked and asked him to give me something to help me calm down. I was in hysterics - I couldn't stop pacing the floor, I was literally pulling big chunks of my hair out (I have that condition, Trichotillomania, where you pull out hair), I was hyperventilating, etc etc..... just everything! So I called this doctor - He said Oh - I cant give you anything like that, just take an extra 1 half of a Zoloft (I was on a very low dose to begin with)! Well from my experience w/ Zoloft - it isn't an anti-anxiety drug. And, I do believe this is what I needed. I dont even remember feeling "immediate" relief from Zoloft - that isnt what it is..... you know? So I didnt do that. I knew that wouldnt help - so why load myself with stuff that isnt going to help the situation immediately like I needed. I basically got through those days with a good friend at my side (I wasnt married yet, nor did I know my husband). At the funeral I went nuts again and had to be taken to an ER room afterwards and was given an anti-anxiety drug. I was doing something Ive never done before and never have since. I would walk then I would picture my grandmother standing there reaching her hands out - I would scream and turn away and then as I was going the other way I would see or fear that vision again - so basically I was running in these vicious circles of terrible fear. So I needed help. :( It was like a hallucination or something. Weird!
So obviously I quit going to the "smoke doctor". I then found another psychiatrist I adored. I loved him to death. But - he had me on Lithium. It helped me for the most part. I then had my son, and this is when the Anxiety/Panic Disorder started - I would inform him of these and he wasnt too concerned -- he just added Klonopin to the medicine diet. Well, by the end of all this, I gained so much weight - I mean just a disgusting amount. I didnt have the best diet, but my diet was just as my husbands - I actually probably even ate less than he did. And, I gained over 100lbs by the time I was done with this (approx: 1 year). And my husband is an overall fit man. Maybe a little overweight, but nothing severe enough that you notice right off the bat! So - I told him I was gaining this terrible amount of weight - it was coming on so fast!!! I actually probably gained more than 100+ pounds. That didnt bother him, what mattered to him was - I was getting better. Yes, that was a good thing, but this weight was sending me into a whole nother depression. I had my thyroids checked - they were fine! So, it was basically my diet ontop of these pills! And like I said, the diet was the same as husbands - and he didnt gain weight like that. So I can only think to blame the pills TOO! Not completely!
So - I had to quit going to him. He wasnt concerned I was going obese! I went back to my regular doctor - she took me off the lithium. She gave me Risperdal and Lexapro and told me to take the Klonopin as needed (for when I have a Panic Attack or severe Mood Swing). Well, Im an active woman who likes to get up and go when I want and need to. The Klonopin sort of made me feel groggy at times, and I basically quit taking those. I didnt like that "drugged up" feeling. Not to mention, I would never drive w/ my child in the car while under the influence of Klonopin or any other Anti-Anxiety drug.
So this is where I am today...... I've quit taking the Risperdal and Lexapro. They made me way too tired, how in the world was I supposed to keep up w/ an active 3yr old and housework and being a good wife if I was always laying around, tired, etc.etc. It was making me more depressed actually!! Because I felt so tired I couldnt have any fun. So I quit taking ALL medicines and I'm actually doing VERY Good!! My husband and myself are very proud of me!
Sure, I have my down days (doesnt everyone?) but, Im actually quite a happy person now. Making love to my husband isn't a "chore" anymore, I actually enjoy it now. I wake up and I'm up for the day. I feel better pretty much.
My only problem is, I do still have Panic/Anxiety attacks. I am always afraid something is going to catch the house on fire and we'll be asleep and not wake up to the sound of the fire detectors going off. Petrified of Tornados and not hearing the whistles for them (you can barely hear those whistles at my house) and if its in the middle of the night! Sometimes I feel like Im having a heart attack - even though my heart is checked and in good health! And my biggest fear is losing my husband. For whatever reason. I know he won't leave me, but what I mean is, he'll get sick and pass away or get hurt and pass away..... Any of those things. And, I know this goes back to my grandmother - losing her was so hard on me, that I dont want to go through that again! But, I know I could not live without my husband. And, I have a son to take care of! But, I just wouldn't want to live another day without him. And, I feel guilty saying this because I have the most wonderful son anyone could ask for. And I know I wouldn't do anything to hurt myself and jeopardize my son's life being without ANY parent. But, I'm just talking...... I wouldn't know what to do. Oh my gahd it freaks me out so bad!!! And see what happened was. My husbands buddy from college just passed away 2 weeks ago (complications from Pancratitis) he was only 28. My husband is 29! So that scares me!
And then my relationship with my parents....... that is another story I will go into later, maybe on the Depression board. But, I do need immediate assistance with that. Because my parents are destroying my husband and I's life. They hurt us so bad emotionally. Ugh......<sigh>
Well Thank you for reading this far - I know I got long winded! I apologize, but I just wanted to let you know a little about me and my life. :)