Oh, hey Sandra, don't EVER think anyone here is judging you!!!!!!!!! Don't you know by now we ALL understand and have done the same things! At least the ones of us that are older and have suffered much longer. You're no different than any BP. (Not meaning you're not special, of course!)
BTW I LOVE your siggy!!! I need to think of one, but that pretty much sums it up!
Haha, everyone has commented on my "razor tongue", too, cutting to the bone. Also, didn't you find you could win ANY argument, even if you were in the wrong? My family always said I should have been a lawyer, lol.
I know about losing jobs, before I was a nurse I was an "administrative assistant", which I dearly HATED. I cannot stand boring ass office/paperwork/slaving for someone else. Being told what to do. I HATE authority! Always had problems with it. Anyhoo, I lost all those jobs becuase I couldn't give a crap about the analness of it all. My motto was always "good enough" with that. Always being called into the office for "not paying attention to detail". I didn't even notice any details!, so made lots of mistakes, even tho sometimes I did really try. When it came to nursing, I noticed EVERY detail, haha! Funny, we tend to be AWESOME at jobs we love, better, faster, more efficient than all the rest, never forgetful. I had never written notes in my life, even at the grocery store! One perk of BP for sure! I dont have that ablity anymore, the multi multitasking thing. I even have to set alarms to remind me when to take my medicine on one in the house, and one on my phone for if I'm out.
I also understand the inability to stop doing risky things. It's like, you don't even think about consequencs when you're doing them, like it's totally OK. I will say I did always pay the bills, becuase I was terrified of losing a roof over my head and electricity and water. That's why I used the credit cards, it's instant and secret money for the spending, isn't it, playtime money?
I can't even tell you what I bought, I don't really have anything to show for it. I don't remember anything from the year I totally fell apart before I got stable. It's totally gone. I do remember sitting at the computer all day shopping. I did buy a couple of belly dance costumes, I took lessons for a couple of years and danced with a compant. I also remember buying a lot of Vicodin, and other painkillers, I was addicted to that and alcohol. but absolutely nothing else. I blacked out on a daily basis from being wasted. How my husband dealt with that I will never know, but I owe him my life.
You are one of the few people like me who is soooooooo scared of going back either direction that they are constantly on the phone with the pdoc. It's absolutely the only way to stay sane. You DO think it's normal, you don't know anything else, even if you try to be nice, it totally doesn't work! You don't even realize how very painful mania really is when you go past the euphoria part, which in my case would only last a day or two. You just keep hoping it will happen again.
Isn't it sooooo nice to be able to tell somebody these things, and know they have probably done the same, and understand the helplessness? Also the totally nonjudgementalness? I looked for a long time for a strictly bipolar support group, no unipolars, no family members, only BPs who UNDERSTAND! But there are NONE, even in the huge city of Dallas. The only one is DMDA or whatever, they only meet once a month and they are clear down in the city and full of family members who are just struggling to understand and never will. I dont want to sound like I don't like them, god bless them! But you know what I mean, I hope. They should defo have that, it's critical! But it would be nice to have one just for us, too.
Thank god it dawned on me to look for one online. I do LOVE talking to the family members to make them try to understand we don't really have a choice in our behaviour without proper treatment, and that it is TOTALLY not a matter of just taking lithium or any one medicine!!!!!!!!!!
I always am interested in what cocktail people take, care to share? I take Trileptal 1200mg, Seroquel 200mg, Lamictal 200mg, and Welbutrin 300mg. Took awhile, but thankfully it works. I still have mood swings way more severe than others, ultrarapid cycler, up and down almost every day, but it's so much milder, not out of control. I do still have the meanness sometimes, tho. I take everything WAYYYYY too personally, even from my husband who is the sweetest most dipolmatic person I ever met. I just can't seem to stop that!
But also, can be singing, while cleaning and cooking. (I love cooking! I thnk you said you do, too?)
What all hobbies do you enjoy? I am a painter (when feeling well), WAS a showing equestrian (oh, yeah, thats where most of the extra cash on hand went!), was a classic pianist when I had a piano (sold it for a new horse), fitness finatic.
Well, enough about
me me me. It's just so great to have you!