Not sure if you mean how can you do the med thing forever, but if that's what you meant, how are you going to struggle with instability forever? I'm sure I've told you this, but are you aware that it's not only forever, it gets progressively worse?
You have a choice. Either accept the reality of the situation and deal with it, or suffer. Yes, it takes some time sometimes to find the right mix of meds, but the payoff is worth it. And yes, we are all struggling, this time of year everybody does, fall and spring. But the rest of the year is good. YOu've never been stable, you don't know what it feels like. I was exactly like you, exactly. Denial, keeping my mania, trying to appear normal. It doesn't work, period. And look what happened, I practically destroyed my life. Don't wait for other people to "approve" you to get better. You are always talking about being strong, yet you are not strong, because you depend on other people's attitudes to rule whether YOU get help or not, meanwhile complaining and suffering all the while. Sorry to be blunt, but when we're sick, we don't make sense, can't see what is happening.
You dont have to keep dealing with your episodes. None of us that take meds are screaming at people at home. Trying to hide from the world. It is never picture perfect, but it's a darn site better than what you're feeling.
I don't know how much plainer we can put it. You have a choice. You CAN afford it if it's important, you just have to cut back on something, dare I say computer games???
You take pain pills for your aches and pains. Klonopin for your anxiety. Yet, you think you're weak if you take meds for your very serious mental illness? WTF!? Pill are pills, regardless of what they are for. Just take your meds and this time STICK with it! yes, you will lose your high, but at best it's a couple of days every once in a while of truly feeling good, otherwise you're angry, out of control, can't handle every day stresses, yelling at your kids, they deserve better and so do you. You will see ALLL of this when you get stable, but you never will know how good it feels unless you do it.
I'm glad you're going to see a doc, but I really wish you would see a pdoc, they are just better with reluctant BPs. And yes, it has beaten you, it always will, every time. You cannot control the moods, no matter what you do on your own.
I hope I havent pissed you off, you know I'm blunt, I did try to be easy, trust me, lol. Just realize how very serious this is, it's your life and your childrens, too.
Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key