Depressed beyond belief, guess it's my turn...

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Regular Member

Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 438
   Posted 9/20/2005 11:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Geez, well i cried alot today, and almost wanted to quit school, but that's not going to happen. I am proving to myself that I can do this. However it must be the day. It's getting closer to my b-day , actually 2 days. I feel like this will be my worse b-day everr. I usually am pretty psyched about my b-day. This year it all seems so strange. I feel like a failure as a mom , as a person, just in general. i think I feel so alone. Everyday i do the same exact thing, not much sleep included. I know I need it, but if you could se my schedule, there aren't enough hrs. in my day. My daughter never gets to see me, and when she does she asks why I am always gone, and why I read all the time. jason helps, but he can't fix those problems. How do you explain to a  almost 4 yr . old that you are doing this for her, and a better life. I just can't seem to keep this all together.If I can make it the next 3 weeks , my one class ends, so i will have a little more time. i just feel like I am negleting my personal life. I am so tired and overwhelmed, and I am breaking. I am balling right now. I just feel like I don't have anyone to talk too. My one friend if you wanna call her that, just says you are strong you will be fine. What? What kinda answer is that. I have thrown up 2 x today, due to nerves, now I am having some female issues, i think caused by nerves. i don't want to call my mom this time. Cause I feel like she expects me to keep it together and I should. But I can't, and I just am not good at anything no more. Why can't I just be normal , and handle this better than I am. I feel so stupid.I have to remember to eat, and I can't think straight. I was just at my docs, and I don't want to feel like a whiner. Cause I am not one of those people, who just have bad nerves. For gosh sake , I see all kinds of gross things in surgery, but I can't be normal. This sucks and I will continue to hate the way I am. Thanks to all that listen, and I hope my post was  not inappropiate to anyone. I know there's not much you all can say, but I was having such good days, and now again. I am hardly never on the down end, you all know that. It's like my mind is racing, my nerves are shot, and I am shaky... I just want this to stop.

Ellie 1
Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 9/20/2005 11:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Arrgh, almost finished my reply and got kicked offline. Rats.
Hang in there hon. We've all been there at one time or another. I may have never done the school thing but when I was first divorced, I worked three jobs for awhile as well as caring for three young daughters. You're not a bad person, or a bad mom. You're just struggling for balance. You'll find it.
Is it possible to lighten your class load and just graduate a little later. It might not fit in with your goals but maybe you expect too much of yourself. Would you set the bar as high for someone else? I feel so bad for you, you're trying so hard and just beating yourself up for not being able to keep all the balls in the air at once. Sometimes you just have to put one down.
Take care of yourself. I know you're not big on religion but I'll pray for you anyway. It sure can"t hurt.

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 29
   Posted 9/20/2005 12:47 PM (GMT -7)   
i am soo sorry you're feeling down.....and you are NOT a failure. as a matter of fact i envy you. i have started and dropped out of school a few times, because i couldn't handle it. you're doing it, plus raising a family.....of course you feel overwhelmed. unfortunatly the "downs" always are worse than the "ups" of this disease. all i can tell you is you will not break! you might bend a little...everyone does....and i don't think you're a whiner at all!! you're expressing you're feelings...that's not whining in my book anyway.
as far as you're friend telling you you're strong....i know its hard to listen to stuff like that when you're depressed...i'm sure she was just trying to help. BTW.....if you know what "normal" is please let me in on the secret. for me, normal is trying to deal with this disease i have every day of my life. i don't have to like it (and believe me i dont) but i do have to accept it. the ppl around me thinks i "can handle it" or that i have some "control" over it. they just don't understand. i try to "keep it together" more times than not....ya know.act like a "regular person" for their sake, but i'm no actress, and the more times i try to force the feelings down, the worse I get.

I can only speak for myself, and i'm no good at telling someone else what to do.....but i have to make sure i'm in check, because if i'm not..i'm no use to anyone else. i know it seems bad now dark and dismal, but i'll say to you what i said to shannon, it won't be dark forever. i know you're cycling down....but i promise you, the sun will shine on you soon. when the depressions over, the sun, the up side makes me appreciate the things i have more.

"walls that have been there always will be
what you do with them is left to see
just hold your head high,
know you wont break, just bend
you're nowhere near you're journeys end"

Post Edited (starlite) : 9/20/2005 1:51:05 PM (GMT-6)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 9/20/2005 1:21 PM (GMT -7)   

Oh, Nickster.  What are we going to do with you!!!  You are a super overacheiver who hates herself for being overwhelmed.  I personally think you're a hero! yeah    Please, please don't kick yourself when you're down, it makes our job harder here to keep you from digging in the dirt, lol.

You know I am NOT making light, just trying to get a smile, maybe???   You're always there for us when we feel like crap, you just come here and whine anytime, just like I do, lol, and everytime I do I feel like a whiner and guilty for THAT too!  

Look at this, and I'm sure youre sick of hearing it, you are a rapid----- cycler-----, so it will be over in a minute or two!  Or maybe tomorrow. 

On a more serious note, I don't care what you have to do, but if you have to follow Jason with a whip, you make him help you get the important stuff done early tonite, and go to BED!   Try to get 8 good hours, ok?  I find that really puts things right the next day, well many times it does.  I know your schedule is really tight, but god, your health is sooooooo important.  If you're sick you can't get it done, ok?

Love ya girl,


Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key

Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 249
   Posted 9/20/2005 2:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh Nick, I hate those days when they come, well, and at my age I sure as heck am not fond of the b-day either. You can sure imagine what I think that b stands for!!! I do hope it eases up soon. In the meantime, please do something special for yourself, even if it's just 5mins locked in the bathroom alone.

Love to you,


BP brings new meaning to Life's Little Ups and Downs

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 438
   Posted 9/20/2005 2:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks to all my friends who wrote back to me, it is very important. Yes Shannon... blah..blah.. I know I am a rapid cycler, and hey guess what I .. hear that, I , me , called my doc and made an appointment for Thurs. @ 3:30 per request by my mom. She worries, and I did call her . So I tried to get in today, and he left for the day, and I didn't want to see anyone else. So Thursday it is. Feeling exhausted, have some homework , if not doen, oh well I will be going to be around 10:00pm- 6am ( okay Shannon? lol). I actually get to sleep in a whole hour tomorrow. Ellie, yeah your right about me not being too religious, however I appreciate all I can get. Any help is needed. So thank you. Starlite I refer to normal as all the people you have to explain yourself to, because they don't understand what you are going through, to me that is a normal person.Anyways, I always like to hear what peeps have to say, so thanks for giving me some insight. Feeling a little better, laid back, calm, tired, and quiet. I almost feel high, because I am almost too passive with no energy right now. Strange kinda slow feelin. Anyhow, I will check in later. Shannon, you know how much i thank you, your not only a babe, but heck you are smart and funny too.

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 114
   Posted 9/20/2005 3:02 PM (GMT -7)   
I am so sorry you are having a hard time Nick. When are you done your program anyhow? I do understand how school can help break that fragile balance and make yo feel some very awful feelings. When I wasn't on meds I just wanted to disappear, if you know what I mean. During clinicals was hardest b'/c of the HUGE responsibility that I know you face wit your surg stuff. Honestly, I don't know what to say, except that I wish I could wish it all away for you. I don't know if it will help you, but I tried to just take it one day at a time, cry if needed, call all my friends and sob if needed, and hope that tomorow might bring some brighter answers.  You ARE NOT a whiner, you need to talk, that is what dr's are for-you're not there to
be anything but what you are. Do you have a psychologist at school that you can talk to?
You can be yourself here, pls do!!!!

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 807
   Posted 9/20/2005 3:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Yay, Nick, way to go.  I am proud of you, I hope he can help you.  We will all be thinking of you, sweetie. :-)
Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key

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