Sassie, psychnurse is right! I struggle myself, and have been seeing therapists and pdoc's for more than 15 years. I've been on Depakote, Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft, Risperdal, and Xanex. My pdoc is now talking about keeping me on the Zoloft and Risperdal, and adding Limictal. For years I was diagnosed with Depression/Anxiety, but my new pdoc, since January, says I probably have BPII. I don't experience mania in the traditional sense, and luckily no psychosis (yet, ha ha ha).
I don't know if the guilt/shame/fear, etc. is part of the BPII or low self esteem, or both, probably both. I know this is easy to say, but we have to live each day at a time; we have to stop beating ourselves up; we have to starve that negative monster and grow a positive cheerleader for ourselves! I struggle EVERY DAY; sometimes it's hard just to make it through an hour, and I have a 6 mth. old son now. Sometimes I think it would be better if I wasn't around to screw him up, but not having a mother could be much worse. Something I heard the other day; ...considering all the opportunities you didn't have, and all the ones that you were unable to recognize at the time, you've done pretty darn good! Try to think about what you do have, and know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Isn't it funny that so many of us are in the helping professions?? I'm a social worker... take care and remember: The past is gone, the future is unknown, all we have is today! XOXOXOXOXOX