I am new to the forum. I had my first bi-polar experience 14 years ago and I've never had dialog with anyone that has had bi-polar experiences. My support structure has been quite limited and its time I made some contacts and expanded my horizons.
My question today is regarding medications. I have not been on anything for quite some time and have always been apprehesive about medications and what effects they might have on me.
Mood stabilizires concern me. What kind of impact will they have on my personality. Abstract thought, focus, creative thinking, intuition etc..
My bi-polar episodes in the past, although debilitating and devistating, at times it was an extremely insightfull experience. Lead me to philosophy, meditation and a better understanding of myself and the world around me.
about 7 years ago I went through a difficult time that lead to a relationship break up. Had to leave work on dissability for a number of months. During that time I focused all my energy inward. I would meditate every day for long periods. Cleaned and organized my apartment to clear my head. Each day I would meditate, go outdoors, practise patience, and focused all the energy I could on my recovery.
I did this for about a month or so and recovered. Regained a healthy sense of self, was no longer depressed, or manic. In hindsight, with all the things I had learned from reading and the meditation (which I had never done before) I had grown and was much more stable then I had been before falling ill.
I know that my recovery during that time was in part due to my drive and determination at that time. Also going hand in hand with the reading and meditation. It was a time in my life where these things fell together beautifully and I am a changed person and greatful for it.
However, life goes on and it is easy to fall back into old habbits, old thinking patterns etc...
But this is where my concern comes from. Through drive, determination, patience meditation etc, I was essentially able to become more grounded, raze my level of consciousness etc... and reap the rewards in my every day life. My fear is that taking mood stabilizers and the like (mind altering chemicals on a neurological level) may impair in some way this conscious and spiritual awareness (that is essentually 'you')
It is common knowledge that people suffering from bi-polar illness often dont want to take medication for fear of loosing the 'highs' I strongly believe this is distinctly different from what I am talking about. The awareness I am refering too is very calm, quite, with very little internal dialog. Its a quite 'knowing' with the absence of fear or worry. Peace of mind.
If anyone would like to share any insights they have on this, it would be appreciated. Thanks