hello and thank you all for your well meaning words. i didnt understand some of what you said, "dx", "dsm iv"? what i didnt seem to elucidate fully to you all in my first communication is that i am in a very poor financial position and dont have money to go visit any more drug company reps (doctors) and i dont have any money for the drugs themselves even if i did believe that they could do some good. and the other thing is the black pit of depression never ends, i get weird feelings of elation sometimes and i run about
talking jibberish to absolute strangers without sleep sometimes for days on end, but it can never dispel the darkness, like a drug trip it is only a momentary escape from the all consuming black. i am not working at the moment and feel no desire to resubmerge myself into the rat race, i am living on a finite supply of funds which are rapidly dwindling.
i have always felt like this. my earliest memories are of hopelessness and my childhood dreams were mostle bad, frequently disturbing and often i would wake screaming and in tears and deeply afraid. my dreams were so terrible that my mother was too afraid of them and soon stopped caring or helping leaving me to deal with them alone. my father is an alcoholic and wasnt around much.
like i said in my first letter i got thru everything because of one thing, hope. the only real childhood wish or dream i ever had was to have a real family around me and people who really cared about
me. as a child i soon realised that my family were of the uncaring nasty variety, so i would dream and fantasise about
someday meeting a lady that i could start my own family with where we could have nice meals together, and celebrate eachothers birthday and holidays and generally maybe just have a laugh once in a while. but as i grew up i realised more and more that i just am not compatible with people, in fact i am a positive people repellant. most people make their decisions about
me within a couple of minutes, some less. but all decide that i am a weirdo and not to be admitted to the circle. i could never ever figure out why and this gave me times of unbridled despair with humanity. my 20s were awful. when i should have been sowing my wild oats or doing whatever normal 20s year olds do i spent most of the decade cooped up alone in dingy apartments/bedsits reading or watching tv.
and then i met a lady one night recently who saw me as i really am and told me of her brother and his battle with BP. since then i have read an awful lot about
it and done several tests all of which indicate that i have the thing or disease or whatever it is. all the accounts from fellow sufferers rang home true to me. maybe i dont have it but what it is i have must be so close that is there any need to differentiate? but then again what is mental illness? if you ask me at least 90% of people are mentally ill anyway. should they all get doped up by doctors? no because they go to work everyday and are productive and not a threat to (un)civilisation as we know it. i could talk a lot about
stuff like this and philosophise for days about
the mental well being of various so called world "leaders", but there really is no point. the world is as it is because most of the people with any sort of power like it like this. if they didnt they would try and change it, but they dont.
so i will try again to ask one thing of you all if any of you would care to reply again. why? why should i keep going why should i try find help in a world that doesnt want to help? i have read a lot of people with BP and from the sounds of it the best i can hope for is a lonely, solitary life with expensive and harsh drugs that if i am very lucky wont dope me up and if am really lucky i wont have to spend a lot of time in hospital. so i ask you all why? why would you give yourself such an awful life like that? why bother? the world is already far to overpopulated with human civilisation advancing and destroying at an exponential rate. this is not something i would have ever wished for myself or any of my potential children so why would i keep going on? for me it is all or nothing. if i cant have my dream then everything else is worthless and pointless and just a waste of precious resources. and i know some of you may think that human life is sacred, well just think for a moment, is my pathetic miserable depressing black useless lonely life worth that of an african farmer with 5 hungry mouths to feed? i think not.
anyway i have some money left and i will carry on for a few weeks yet i will do nothing until the money runs out. i am nothing if not pragmatic. but once that money runs out i feel that my fate is sealed, unless another outcome is presented to me.
and if i dont here from any of you again then i would like to take this opportunity to thank you all and to impress upon any of you the necessity of love tolerance and neighbourliness in this increasingly fractious and unfriendly world. if you have kids ****ing hug them once in a while....
Post Edited By Moderator (Admin) : 1/26/2006 8:59:43 AM (GMT-7)