I'm gaby myself, I mean, I'm manic-depressive myself.
You said a hospital stay you feel ruined your life.
I was once hospitalized for a month with depression, and I didn't need to be and came to find out that the reason my psychiatrist put me in the hospital for a month was to make money off of my ins. company.
You just can't believe that a psy. and a hospital will do that. They will. The first question they ask you is, "Do you have insurance?" If you say yes, they check the "Sucker" block.
Then they declare you're so sick, you have to go into the hospital. Then, as soon as your ins. co.'s insurance runs out at $40,000, in 4 weeks, they declare that you're cured, and lead you out into the parking lot.
I missed my child's learning how to ride his bike, about 40 episodes of my deceased wife's various and sundry affairs, but let's don't get into that, Gabby, OK? I'm in recovery here.
Thank you. Anyway, I look at the bright side. It may have been my being mislead into a hospital stay and costing my ins. co. a fortune that changed the law which said ins. co's. now have their own doctors who can express their views on if a person needs hospitalization.
I was diagnosed at about 27 as bi-polar; I was out of a job, not around people, got depressed, and it built up so great in about 3 weeks that I had a nervous breakdown.
Well, they put me on, what?, some gosh awful medicine, Steleozine (spelling?) which strips you of your anger, and all other emotions. It stayed on it for about a month, it seemed like about a year.
After a month or so, I got a job and they took me off of that after a couple of weeks.
So, maybe you could get on a medicine for b-p and if you got a job, they could take you off of it. I was not on medicines for say 3 years, then lost another job and got put on an anti-depressant.
I had some trouble, some jobs, etc., for 10 or 15 years, and finally got put on Lithium, which helped greatly. I felt like the air had been let out of an over-tight balloon and it was a great relief to feel relaxed for the first time in many years.
Twenty-five or more years later, as a senior citizen, I'm still on Lithium and am still doing OK. I do some photography and writing myself, and the medicine has not affected that part of my life.
You said you felt the hosoptal stay ruined your life. I had a second hospital stay for depression where my psy. retaliated against me by over-dosing me with med., when he knew I was sen. to that. I had hacked him off.
I was angry for months, even though my roommate told me you can walk out of this place anytime you want. I didn't put that into into play when I was over-medicated, but instead fumed for months after I got out after a month there.
So, I do know what you're talking about con. a hospital stay messing things up.
I don't knw what to say about m-d causing problems in a life you are coming to enjoy, but since I'm gabby, also, I'll come up with something.
What was the middle part of my life? For the first 10 years, I worked in my field of writing. I lost basically every job. I was not on lithium, so I have some anger over that like you have with the hospital. I was not diagnosed m-d until about 40.
I then went through about 5-8 years of non-my field jobs. I then caught on as a free-lance writer with a local publication for about 14 years, either not working or working odd jobs somethings.
I now write family history and local history for publication sometimes.
I know the frustration of all of that. I know the fear of relationships, of problems at work.
You said, "Its incredibly difficult to keep up with the life that i have created for myself. i want this life so badly but its killing me that i am not doing well."
You say, the fear of him leaving "for someone more accomplished and together." I know that. The only thing that saved me was that my girlfriend and later wife, had as many problems as I did, she was sexually abused, and I thought we would be OK. We weren't.
After we got married, I later figured out, she had over 2,000 affairs for 16 years of that. She was great in bed, for me and for everybody else. The other some 21 years of the marriage were torture, after I found out but stayed for the child, and the house we were buying.
She passed away just over (did I tell you I was gabby? I didn't? I should have told you that) 6 years ago, and after that the neighbors started coming after me for living alone, for having emotional problems, for a being a senior citizen) so it didn't get any easier.
In a way, it's all very painful. But in a way, it really doesn't have to be as bad a I made it.
Did I really want to be Mr. Executive in the Suburbs? No. Did I really want Ms. Well-Balanced and keeping up with her social life and pulling in that $100,000 a year to keep her happy? No.
Did I need the 2-3 children in in the playroom? No.
Being, m-d, I wanted to be who I was, I just didn't know it. Who was I? I was somebody who had some weaknesses and some strengths. I wanted an opportunity to enjoy my life, to use my skills, to help others and to help myself.
I wanted the chance to be who I was, not pushed into being somebody I wasn't. That's what I wanted, I just didn't know it.
So, try to figure out who you are first, not who you and others may want/expect you to be. You are not King Kong, you are not worthless, you are somewhere in between.
You're 23, oh, that explains everything.
And if you respond, don't be so gabby, like some people I know.
Here's something on being positive.
I came across a column years ago which helped me a lot. I didn't know it, but I was unconsciously negative, having been raised in a negative household and having a major mental illness--manic-depression.
When a problem occurred, I would be unconsciously looking for a negative outcome, to match what I had learned in childhood, things that are bad are bad, which again, matched my negative thinking, meaning I was thinking correctly--things are bad.
What I was missing was that problems are bad, but the chances of solving them can be good. The column said, your attitude going into a problem can be the biggest asset you have, meaning, if you think you can solve it, if your mental attitude going into a problem is that you can solve it, your chances of solving it double.
I had never thought about that. I didn't realize my unconscious was set on negative, since it was in my uncon. and I couldn't see it. Now when I go into a problem, I don't worry about the problem, I worry about my neg. uncon. I say, "Think positive, think positive, think positive..." trying to clear out any neg. in my hidden uncon.
Only then do I start to think about the problem, trying to eliminate me as the biggest obstacle to my solving the problem. Then I allow any idea to solve it to have full attention, and to not deliberately knock it down by my neg. uncon.
I also tell myself, "One problem at a time, and be positive about that problem."