So sorry for your loss and I know those words hold very little meaning right now. As a mom who has lost a child as well as the mom of a addict I can't urge you enough to find a counselor who understands addiction and grief. You cannot carry the burden of your sons death anymore than you could his addiction both were results of his own making. You know had you not given him money he would have gotten some other way,had you attempted to take him he likely would have refused your offer. They become so adept at storytelling we can never be sure what's real and what's not. We as parents who love them want so badly to believe them and we do far too many times that every once in awhile we have to be in control and not enable them.
My nights of constant worrying and no sleep,my heart stopping at every strange car in my drive or ring of my phones at a standstill right now and has been for nearly 3 months. My son's in jail,he survived that round but that could change the very next time he's released. There will likely be a next time because jails not treatment and treatment is what's needed for his addiction to be controlled.
I don't have the answers you seek but rest assured your loss will never leave you but your strength will weaken it one day. For now just mourn your loss,be good to yourself and try to come to terms with the fact you could have possibly changed that night or not and had it not been that night it would have been another because sometimes addiction wins no matter how much we wish it weren't so.
CHRONIC PAIN MODERATOR
When something bad happens to you, you can let it destroy you, let it define you, or you can let it strengthen you.