Sounds so much like the situation I was in for, we can say, at least 20 years, and actually 9 more tacked onto that.
You said, “With meds she's very calm, collected, she can focus on a job as she's had several jobs (nurse) and we do very well, not to say its not without its ups and downs but she's able to keep her thoughts in order and be rational.”
So, she’s responding to medicine, which is good.
You said, “Medicine No, She has been off for longer than I realized.
She ran out and when I asked her about
them she said she didn't need them and if i press the issue she gets mean and angry.
Though right now...she's generally angry and mean most days.”
So youi’re saying she’s not on medicine right now, and hasn’t been for awhile.
I think that’s one of the problems with teens and bi-polar, say 18-25 or more. That’s also the party years, and they want to participate in that, and alcohol and lithium or other such meds for bi-polar don’t mix, so they drop the meds.
And then from not taking the meds, they go way over the top, and they can’t control themselves without the meds. So their life can be in turmoil during the day, so they can party a few hours at night. So, for months and years, this is their life.
In addition to the alcohol, she’s on another drug, which is sex, or the adrenaline from that.
She absolutely doesn’t want to give that up. It’s a sickness (bi-polar) on top of a sickness (alcohol) on top of a sickness (the drug of adrenaline from sex).
As far as alcohol, does she have alcoholism in her family? I’m manic-depressive, but I’m not an alcoholic.
What has her history of sex been? Was she promiscuous before you were dating? Was she abused as a child in any way? If so, this can affect how they relate to sex as an adult. Has she ever talked about
she was abused when she was a child?
Did you see any signs of this when you were dating, or in the first years of the marriage?
These sicknesses are rising above her desires to be a parent, which shows they are huge. If she was abused as a child, mistreating her child might come easy for her, that’s one of the reasons you want to know this. If things are hopeless you would want to know that now, rather than waiting ten years from now when more damage is done.
While you’re losing a lot, she’s losing a lot, also. She’s losing a warm environment in her own house. So it’s an equal division of pain.
Also, she's in fantasy land, which is where bi-polars live. It's your salary which is keeping her going. Since she doesn't work, this affair can't continue without your funds, because he's not going to give her anything.
When she wakes up from this and she's lost everything, she'll be the one on the helpline. You might remind her that if she doesn't start being a better example for the child, she's going to be on the street.
Is she blocking out your child, also?
One thing, you might start doing is appreciating more what you do have. You’re still all together as a family. Your child has 2 parents in the home, there’s a father who’s working.
You can also work on improving her, you can also work on improving yourself as far as determining if you can make it on your own. What will happen to the child if you separate? Will you get custody because of her behavior? Will she get custody of the child because she’s the mother? How would it be for the child to be raised by the mother?
You might need to talk to a lawyer to find out how it might go, and to help you mentally prepare for that.
My wife and I had the exact same amount of trouble. She was sexually abused and, I’ve now realized, had a lot of partners during out marriage. We had a child, we were buying a house, and I had m-d and wasn’t sure I could make it on my own.
So, it wasn’t a matter of me walking out the door. It was a difficult situation. She died of a long illness 7 years ago, and if I had been a tower of strength and walked out, I could have lost my part of the house and other things. By staying, like an idiot, it could be said, I reaped some benefits, but the cost of those benefits was very high.
I had a lot of chest pain from the stress, it turned out, got an illness from some of that, so it was very rough.
You might keep a log of how long this has been going on, and so you might say, if it goes on this much longer, I might have to think of calling this off.
Post Edited (Tim Tam) : 9/7/2016 12:44:06 PM (GMT-6)