Hello! I dont really know where to start. I'm posting under bi-polar because Im not positive where to put it, so i do apologize.
I'm a 34 yr old single female. I live with my boyfriend of 2 years. I have no children, except my boyfriend's ten year old who adores me and is a really good kid. I have a bachelor's in Psychology, but work in a different field that is actually pretty stressful at times. I dont drink. I dont smoke. I dont use recreational drugs.
I was diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression when I was in High School. Originally, I was put on Zoloft and BuSpar and that did not go every well. My anxiety went sky high and I had severe suicidal thoughts. They took me off of it. Later, my doctor said that it was PMS (legit PMS not a guy's cop out for some mood swings, lol). He had me start taking Serafem (sort of Prozac I guess) a week or so before I was supposed to have my period.
Flash forward. Please note that I'm having trouble with my once great memory and can't remember the details of anything that well at times- my thoughts are racing and a bit disconnected. This has just been recent in the last few months. Before this, I was a very productive and successful member of society- one who focused on positivity and bettering the lives of those around me. Not always happy- but pretty stable. Even having an extremely stress filled job- I was actually pretty good at handling stressful situations.
I've had several different doctors throughout the years- they kept leaving to go to different towns. Moving away. I havent felt connected to a doctor in years, but most of the time that was ok.
So, here I am being a productive and mostly "sane" (I hate to use the terms sane and crazy because its so labelling). I was on Citalopram (Celexa, I believe) for the most part and the only problems I really had were when I would forget to take it. I'd then get crazy "Brain jolts" like there was electricity going through and shorting out my brain. I'd take it and the next day, Id be fine.The other thing I noticed is that I was having a hard time remembering things. Little things.. like here's a bil I need to pay I'll set it to the side and completely forget about it. There were spans of time when I'd be "normal" and feel like a real human. Then a little while of feeling "weird". I also was gaining weight like crazy.
So, the new doctor kept me on Citalopram and also gave me Clonzapram. The Clonzapram was instructed to take as needed for anxiety. This seemed to work great.
Mind you at this exact moment I cant remember exactly what meds did what betwen this time because I'm coming down from the panic Ill tell you about later that stemmed from a "zombie" state.
I started having stuamch pain and diareah all the time and it was making my anxiety reappear because I cant do anything without having to use the restroom immediately. It wasn't really bad, but bad enough to make me realize I wasnt dealing the right way. I was starting to get really irritable and tired all of the time.
I spoke to the doctor and she put me on Buspirone and Clonzapram. When I got the bottles back- the bottles for both said "Take one tablet, twice daily". I thought that this was odd that she changed Clonzapram to twice daily but whatever. I was pretty sure that Busperione was BuSpar- but I had the habit of trying to tell my doctors what to do and to be honest its been twenty years since BuSpar so it wasn't that big a deal on my mind. I wanted to trust the doctor- Ive never been trained.
Stumach got worse. I had constipation for a long time, and then explosive diarreah. Around the time I started taking those two meds--- I started feeling ... zombified. Not all the time mind you. I felt normal most of the time, but then Id start to get tired throughout the day and some days would result in me "wandering".
Im not sure if it was a way to cope with the weird feelings in my head or what, but I would leave work and be fine most days. Some days, I'd leave and it'd be super late and I didnt want to go home because of this weird feeling that I can't explain but I was almost afraid to be alone. I'd go to the store and Id wander aimlessly- shopping for nothing in particular. Id wander for hours until I knew my boyfriend would be home and Id come home and we'd swatch tv and go to bed. Id wake up fine for some time.
Two or three months later, its getting worse. I cant even eat or drink water without diarrhea. The doctor orders some tests, but I have the feeling she doesnt believe me that Im in as much pain as Im in. Im slated to have a colonoscopy next week. My family has a history of bowel problems.
So, I stop taking my meds because at this point, I cant drink and its passing through me (tmi- but I am not digesting it fully). Its over the holiday, I dont want to go to the ER because two months ago I went in and they told me I had the flu and sent me home. (Id been sick for two weeks at this point).
So I leave work earlier than normal. Typically Im fine until late at night, but this is in the late afternoon- early evening. I go into one store to look for a good blender, look at a few things- its not what I wanted so I leave.
I know Im feeling weird. Im hungry. Hadn't eaten in like five days, hadn't drank water in two days. I make a call to see if someone wants to go with me, but no one feels like going out into the cold, etc. I go into another store and I can't remember why I am there.
I wander around through all of the aisles. My vision seems almost "blurred". Theres like a gray hue over everything. Im not really shaking but I feel shaky. Then, I feel nothing. I wander around and look at the same things over, and over. I end up putting a whole bunch of soft food into my cart that I probably cant eat anyway, and look at it a ton of times, putting it in my basket and then in a moment of "clarity" I think- this is stupid. I dont need all of this. I hate yogurt. I can[t even eay soup- why would I buy stuff for a smoothie? Put it back.. Then I start wandering some more through the whole store. Putting more stuff into my cart that I dont need, dont even want.
This all seems so bizarre to me right now, the feeling that I had. I've had this before, but it hasnt been for as long or as severe. I'm just performing normal tasks like checking out, but Im not sure how. There isnt a whole lot of thought in my head at this point. Im just... doing. There are moments when I have a clear thought, but then I lose it. I spend over 200$ on food to try and eat anything at all. The best way to explain it is like I was cross eyed. I dont really do drugs or drink but I remember that when I tried pot- it felt almost tlike that when I was really, really, high. I could text and it made most sense but I couldnt really think about it and had no idea how the text managed to make an ounce of sense because I had to concentrate so hard. Im staring at people, and they are talking but Im not fully comprehending. Im sure Im responding, but I even tell them that I kind of get what they're saying, but at the same time... I dont get it. Im acting completely out of character. Usually Im smiling, bubbly, and make conversation. Imm pretty sure I almost ran into several people in the aisles.
I REMEMBER peices of it. I REMEMBER looking at one of the workers in the aisle. I remember thinking how ugly this or that was. I REMEMBER walking in circles and I remember grabbing stuff and going back to the same places to try to decide if I wanted something. I KNOW that i put a bag of fresh carrots in the freezer because I didnt want them. Im typically the person who hates people who dont put things where they belong. If I decide I dont want something, I either go put it back or give it to the cashier at the end.
AS far as remembering... its purely because I have a photo of it in my mind. A short video clip. Fleeting. I was there. I saw what I was doing... but I was completely disassociated from it.
I knew I wasnt ok. When I came out into the cold air, I felt something but not cold. Not until I sat in my vehicle for a little while did I realize how out of it I was. I called someone to come get me because I wasnt ok.
So, I have to wait another day because my doctors office is closed. The next day I go in and tell her everything. She tells me that I am bi-polar and puts me on Serequil XR. I was taken off by suprize. I know I have some highs and lows... I shop when Im stressed. I know I was out of it and didnt feel in control but bi polar? I felt like the irratability and low lows came after the new meds... but Im not expert.
I took Serequil last night right before bed. I was told it was a sedative, but I didnt know when I was going to bed so ended up taking it right before. I know its supposed to be a few hours before, but I wasnt where i could take it. So about 2am is when I took it. I couldnt wake up this morning no matter how hard I tried. I finally woke up around 3:30-4pm. I got up. I felt... groggy. Stupid. clumsy.
I started to wake up a little. i went to my parents. I was ok for the most part. However, I started sitting there and completely phased out. People were tlaking to me and I didnt even hear them. I stared at the wall for a good few minutes. I shook my head and sort of felt normal.
Around 6pm- I started having a full out panic attack. A panic attack like I havent had since I was in High School. FULL FLEDGED, HEART RACING, SOMEONE IS TRYING TO STAB ME HEART AND KICK IT A THOUSAND TIMES.
I know that it is. I know Ill come out of it. I breath deeply. It hurts but a different hurt that the stuamc pain- different place. My heart is speeding up... seriously, I know Ill be ok but I cant stop it. This is the feeling I would have when id wander and get lost in my own head.
Before all of this, I hadnt been in this place in years.
Id been seeing a counselor to try and help my anxiety through life. When she saw me last she said she saw a completely different person. She doesn't believe that I am bi-polar. She says shes known me long enough and thinks that its illness mixed with anxiety mixed with the wrong drugs. She wants to work with my family doctor.
I went from feeling like a productive, independent person to a completely batcrap crazy person. Maybe I'm bi-polar? Maybe its just a barrage in changes in medicine? Maybe its having trouble from not having eaten and was dehydrated?