Coping with 30 yr old son with bipolar

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blmarcot
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2016
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 1/24/2017 11:35 AM (GMT -7)   
I am a mom of a bipolar son who was diagnosed when he was 12 years old and is now 31. He and I have a very strong bond and whenever he triggers an episode he refuses any kind of help as he lives in fear of previous episodes where he has been arrested, tazered by the police, and hospitalized. He lives with his girlfriend who is 13 years older than him and suffers with an anxiety disorder. They both take their medications regularly but my son has absolutely no coping abilities and he triggers many episodes because he doesn't get proper sleep or have a good structured life. They both are on ODSP for their conditions and both do not know how to budget money! Every episode he has (which seems to be ongoing now) he is extremely mean to me and I happen to be a very sensitive caring mom that will never give up on him but as I am getting older now (59) i do not have the same coping ability and I live in constant tears as I am heart broken!! What to do??? Any advice would be most appreciated!

Brenda

older guy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2011
Total Posts : 935
   Posted 1/24/2017 5:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Brenda,

I'm sorry to hear you are having so much trouble with your son. I am bipolar and have had a relatively easy time of it, but I was taught life skills and always take my meds. I was absolutely nutty when I had a manic episode and considered suicide when depressed, and I don't want to go through either of those again!

I wonder if you have investigated local resources for the mentally ill. There may be a class that's offered in conjunction with a county hospital that teaches life skills. That sounds like what your son may need the most.

I wish you good luck in your efforts to help your son get better.
depression, anxiety, upper denture, benign prostate hyperplasia
-----------------------------
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crestor
doxazosin

UserANONYMOUS
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4428
   Posted 1/31/2017 5:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Brenda,

Welcome to the forum.

Sorry for responding so late.

One must be willing to accept help. If you son is not willing, there is not much you can do for him. I am glad he is taking his medicines. However, therapy can help together with medicine. Is there anyone you think that you son will listen to about seeking some counselling?

This can be stressful to you. Please ensure that you take care for yourself. I would suggest you give your son some time. Hopefully he will come around and realize that you are his mom and he should stop being mean to you.
Please know that we are here for you.

UA
Moderator - Bipolar

Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder.
Chronic Pain - Cervical Kyphosis, Cervical Spondylosis, Thoracic Scoliosis.

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1109
   Posted 2/1/2017 4:36 PM (GMT -7)   
bl:

You say:

"He and I have a very strong bond and whenever he triggers an episode he refuses any kind of help as he lives in fear of previous episodes where he has been arrested, tazered by the police, and hospitalized"

I think the "special bond" is going to bring you down. Along with "I happen to be a very sensitive caring mom that will never give up on him" And, "he is extremely mean to me"

He's not your worst enemy, you are.

He should be writing into a help line saying, "I'm 31 and keep messing up and my mother who I'm disrespectful to won't help me."

Instead, you're the one writing into a help line saying, "I can't help my cruel and insensitive grown son enough. What should I do?"

How about, quit helping him? "Oh, no, I could never do that!!!!" Well, then, you've got a problem, and it's you.

What is that called, an enabler, you enable him to never grow up. You're not the best mom in the world, you're the worst. That's just my opinion.

You did good when the kid was five years old and you could feed him his Pablum. Now that he's grown, you out of your element.

Trouble is, you kept him a five year old and now you're paying for it. There's some justice here somewhere.

You say, "and I live in constant tears as I am heart broken" Because he's an idiot who treats his mother like dirt you're in constant tears? You should be ecstatic that you're not the one whose an idiot, instead of in tears that he is.

You've got it completely turned around, and your son is living proof.

Again, you say, "whenever he triggers an episode he refuses any kind of help as he lives in fear of previous episodes where he has been arrested, tazered by the police, and hospitalized"

OK, so he messes up, and because the police treat him like a man, unlike you, and taze his rear end, he then throws a temper tantrum and refuses to get help because he's afraid of taking a taze up the rear end.

When he's arrested, who's the first one to bail him out? I wonder.

And when he doesn't know how to budget his money, who is the first one to pay his bills. I can't imagine, you're such a good parent.

Is this guy a product of your child raising or what?

My 40-year-old son who has an anger personality disorder, has been coming after me for 28 years. Twenty-eight years. Something he did against me about 4 years ago has really messed me up, and I've finally figured out his pattern of messing me up. And on Christmas Day, I pretty well let it be known that no .... more.

And I've quit having anything to do with him. No more phone calls, no more visits. Nothing. That's been over a month ago.

I think you need to stand up this guy and quit treating him like the Eighth Wonder of the World, and treat him for what he is, like you raised him to be, a dirt bag.

And until that happens, nothing is going to change.

And as you say, "I am getting older now (59) i do not have the same coping ability"

Since you're 59, your job of keeping your son a 5-year-old is over. I think he's going to do you in, and then start in on his wife, since you've taught him that females are there to serve.

blmarcot
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2016
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 2/2/2017 10:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all for your responses and your support. I very much appreciate it. My son and I have reached a brighter spot in our lives. Since my post my son has apologized profusely and has agreed to meet with a counsellor from our family physician's office. I think that is a step in the right direction and he is making progress!

I do want to note that the reply from Tim Tam was a little harsh for my liking. I do not go to the length of bailing my son out (it was actually his girlfriend) and I don't pay his bills. I truly believe that you are trying to justify the way you are dealing with your son. We are all different people and that is not my way of trying to help my son.

Brenda

UserANONYMOUS
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4428
   Posted 2/2/2017 11:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Brenda,

I am happy to hear that your son apologized that agreed to seek some counseling. This is really great news and a big step in the right direction indeed. It is nice that he is seeking help.

I apologize for Tim's post. I will send him an e-mail about it. Please do not let this discourage you from the forum. We have very supportive members. I hope you would still be a part of our family and feel free to post, vent, etc. anytime.

I hope that counselling will help you son and things will get better. Please remember to take care of yourself.

UA
Moderator - Bipolar

Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder.
Chronic Pain - Cervical Kyphosis, Cervical Spondylosis, Thoracic Scoliosis.

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1109
   Posted 2/2/2017 11:44 AM (GMT -7)   
I can understand your being upset.

I am a manic-depressive myself, and can go off course.

You said,

"Every episode he has (which seems to be ongoing now) he is extremely mean to me and I happen to be a very sensitive caring mom that will never give up on him but as I am getting older now (59) i do not have the same coping ability and I live in constant tears as I am heart broken!! What to do???"

In a way, what else could I say? "Gosh, that sounds bad, go tell somebody who cares."

I was simply saying, this guy needs to be stood up to. He needs to lay off. He needs to pick on somebody his own size, instead of his mother, who he has in tears.

He does show me something when he stands up to police officers, who are standing there with guns, nightsticks, and tazers, with a jail and re-enforcements behind them. That's manly. I like that.

What laws does he break to get tazed and then put in jail? Resisting arrest is one. Does he have a traffic violation to start it off?

Does he drink prior to all of this?

I used to help a female who treated me like a dog, so who am I to speak out about somebody like that? I helped my son every time he called, even though he treated me like dirt, so I know something about that, also.

But he didn't have me in tears, and then I would write him out a check. But he did cross the line about a year ago, and when another person did the same thing to me about six months ago, and I started recently adding it all up, the health problems these people had caused, me and my mind said, no more.

Your problems are not health related like mine are, so you're going to keep stringing it out like I did for 28 years. Should you have some sort of physical or mental collapse like I did, then you might know what I'm talking about in that you might not want to keep taking this.

I did not totally mean to upset you, I just thought you are treating him kind of easy, and he's putting you in tears. I could be reliving myself with my son. I also didn't like a male taking on a female as his opponent.

I also don't like males being treated like kings by mother figures, who come to believe that, and don't even think the police should tell them what to do; that he doesn't need to improve, that the world needs to improve.

Like you say, it's probably a difference in personality. I wasn't always a jerk. It's just that some years ago, my passiveness called me health problems when I kept refusing to stand up for myself, and my psychic said, "You're not doing this right, I'll take over from here," and I turned into an animal when someone would come after me.

I was no longer the passive little sucker. And I've run into as many problems this way as I did that way. So I really don't know life at all. So, I was telling you, in addition to my mania, you need to toughen up.

clo2014
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2015
Total Posts : 723
   Posted 2/2/2017 6:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Tim Tam,

I found the tone of your response to be critical and very aggressive.

Different people have different parenting skills and beliefs. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect.

Apologies and learning the art of apologizing is difficult. Your apology gave me hope that sometimes a person can realize when they may have leaned towards one direction or another. There isn't anything that dictates one should be 100% passive or aggressive. It is a balancing act.

This is supposed to be a forum where people go for help and support.

blmarcort,

You are on a very difficult journey. No one knows all the specific particulars that motivated your decisions. Please ensure that you are safe in all your interactions with your child and attempt to limit the negative impact his decisions have on you. Sometimes counseling helps family members as much as it would have helped the individual refusing assistance.

Best of luck,

Clo

Post Edited (clo2014) : 2/2/2017 7:04:36 PM (GMT-7)

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