Posted 6/1/2017 10:34 AM (GMT -7)
This is the strangest thing.
There is no way I would bring up this subject.
But since you have, I can open the flood gates.
I'll just say, I went through at time recently, when someone would walk into my house, and I would, as you say, look at their private parts.
I didn't know what was going on, either. Me, you, the person I was looking at. It was pretty weird.
And I'm thinking, why do I do that?
It's nowhere on the conscious level, I just did that.
If it was conscious, I would make a conscious effort not to do that.
It's like, I don't really want to look them in the eye, eye contact has some stress, specially when you're bipolar, and you're not real sure of yourself.
So, to avoid looking at someone in the eye when they first come in the door, I look down. Then I find myself looking too far down.
Nothing is easy for a bipolar. That's as close as I can come to explaining it. I find, I only do this with males, and as a male, that ain't good, and it ain't what it seems.
I find that when my helper person, she drives me to my doctor's appointments and gets groceries, knocks on the door, I first open the door by about a foot, and wait for her "Hey!!!"
Then I open the door all the way, and look down at her feet, we'll say, and back up so she can come in.
I never look her in the eye when she first arrives, too much stress, too much lack of confidence, I feel uncomfortable with eye contact on first greeting someone at the door.
I don't look down at a female's private parts, only a male's, I wish it was the other way.
I think being in a manic state could play a part. When I do this, I'm kind of in a shakey state, lack of confidence, which is all the time.
I did something similar to that when I was starting out in a new job, new in my field of work, and my boss was standing next to me when he was introducing his new employer to an important person.
Well, it's stressful enough when I'm just meeting my helper at the back door, but with 2 people standing there waiting for me to respond to "this is Mr. Jones," it was more than I could take.
I couldn't do the eye contact thing, followed by the greeting and the smile, so I just looked down at his belly button.
And I my boss bent over in disbelief. This is the first time I've really been able to explain this, to me or to anybody else.
But in this context, it makes perfect sense what I did, but only to you and me.
After that performance, my boss could not stand the sight of me, and made every effort to get me to quit, which I didn't do, and so he spent two years hounding me, not speaking when just he and I were together, and making things very difficult.
That's my take on this. I didn't know there was anybody else like this in the world.