hi, new here, lost confused hopless, need help

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New Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 12/27/2005 1:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi, my name is Jennifer. I am 25, married(seperated) with 3 kids, (4g,2b,1b) I have just recenty found out that i am bipolar. not sure exactly which type, where i am going now is just to give me meds and keep me alive until my appointment with mhmr. I am on 150mlg of Zoloft a day-which i really am not liking, after almost three onths it seems to still be making me overally tired during the day, and i just started on my last step in getting on lamactal, my eight pills a night stage. Well, i was until two nights ago when i ran out and out of money for more--so wish me luck.
Bip[olar isnt really too new to me, my friend of the past five years is bipolar and now my be getting diagnosed schyzoprnic also. but it wasnt until recently that i have been learning so much about what it is. I have alwyas had a serious problem with depression. i mean it gets so bad that i sleep most the day and night, or just lay there almost dead to the wolrd. my house shows that.i get so down that no matter how much i wish to harm myself im just too down to even put the effort into that.
But i never really relized that during the times that i take off, am fighting with loved ones, am feeling so self cofedent and so on, that that could be a problem too.
not till now, and i am soo scared that it is too late.
i literally of ruined my marriage, my family. and i cannot explain why i did some of the things i did, some i cannot fix, and i just do not know what to do anymore.
My husband is wonderful. hes stayed with me for 5-6 years now, while all this time my mistakes, my lies and so on just got worse and worse, and he just wondered more and more if i even loved him, and half the time who i was.
but now i got us in a terrible mess, i hate myself, i dont really take any comfort into knowing that i have a mental illness, that doesnt seem to be able to fix any of this. fortionaitly my husband loves me so much that he is still being sopportive and wants to work thru this and be with me still.
How do you get over the guilt of all the pain/hurt that you caused those that were so close to you?
How do you really talk to a doctor that is really just there to medicate you up.
I am sorry, i am really really down right now and am trying so hard to believe that there is hope. for me, my family, life.
maybe tomarrow i can go into detail about whats happended, or later tonight if i still cannot sleeep. ever since i ran out of lamictal i havent really been sleeping, tired but not real or long sleep.
anyways enough of me. that was hard enough, i am so messed up that i dont even know what to write or where to begin and so on.

Ellie 1
Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 12/27/2005 10:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Jennifer. Welcome to Healingwell.
I would try very hard to come up with the money for your meds? Is there a family member perhaps that can help? I completely understand how it feels to know you need them and not be able to afford them. I am currently without ins and off my meds as well. Not alot of fun.
As for getting over the guilt, you first must understand that the person who did those things was not you. Oh, residing in your body, but in a state where your brain was suffering a chemical imbalance. We have all here done things we are ashamed of in a manic episode. I won't even go into much of the disaster I've created in my life.
The good thing is, things are about to get better for you. You have a chance to rectify the mistakes you can alter and try to make amends for those you can't. Once you are stable on meds things can change and you will see things clearly, without the cloud of mania/depression.
Try to get your meds hon, things can truly get better. I'm online ALOT, and check in often when im not. Post if you need to talk. It does help.
Take care and God Bless

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 204
   Posted 12/27/2005 12:13 PM (GMT -7)   


Welcome to HealingWell. I hope that you can find some comfort here knowing that you are among people who understand what it is to be where you are. Ellie is so right about the meds - they are an important step in becoming stable. It sounds like you have the beginnings of an excellent support system with a husband who wants to try to work things out. The proper medication will help you to be stable and will jumpstart the healing process. It will give you the chance to make amends and begin to get over the guilt - it too will pass with time. Please don't feel that all a dr does is fill you with meds. If you're not comfortable with your dr. then ask around and find a referral to another. If you can - try to see a psychiatrist who best can help to find the right medication and to help you build a tool box of coping skills to deal with life and all the other things that come with BP (the guilt and upset and hurt of it all).

Take care of yourself and keep us posted,


Sheri E
New Member

Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 1/8/2006 7:39 PM (GMT -7)   
I hope you have been able to get your meds and a new doctor(just kidding). I know there is steps docs take for certain illness. But you shouldn't settle for sleeply daze. I recomend that you try sunlike lamp or bulbs, an herb to sleep No cafine and no sugar.walking and happy thoughts. See after a few weeks how you feel and see if the doc will lower your meds a little at atime. Take control of your health , read up on the differnent sytoms and talk openly with your doctor. A better you is a better mom for your children and maybe some day you'll be able to help them or others. Bless you Jennifer and your children!!!!!

New Member

Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 1/11/2006 4:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Jenifer,
I can remember back when I did awful things both to my husband and family 20 yrs ago when I was not properly medicated. I have to agree with Ellie 1, they weren't the real you. Fortunately, my family forgave me when I was ready to ask for forgiveness.......I can remember my Mom saying it wasn't you it was the meds. As for my husband, he still stands by me as we will be married for over 20 yrs this yr. I recomend you let your husband help you and be as open with him as you were with us.
You mentioned something about schizophrenia....that you were diaganosed? I am bipolar II with schizo effective disorder which is different than schizophrenia. I have voices but not hallucinations during both mania and depression but only when the depression is really bad.
I also want to recomend a day treatment program. I'm in New England and have recently been attending a partial hospital program during the day. I do have insurance but 90% of the patients don't and in our state there are many agencies that cover them. The same with the meds. Also our hospitals have a pay plan which you can say the amount you can afford, like if it's 10 dollars a month then that is what you pay. This way you get a Pdoc, groups and registered psych nurses to help you learn coping skills while you land back on your feet. Along with family meetings with your husband. Please try to find out in your area if there are programs to help financially even if it is just to get back on the meds.
I agree with Ellie 1 and Putter, the Pdoc isn't just a med pusher, you have to feel comfortable and trust him. Please don't give up. I can relate to your pain, the depression. I have been so low since September, in the hospital for two nights in November then in this hospital program since then. Today I am being discharged and finally feeling some what better. Now it's back to trying to keep everything balanced.
I hope you continue to post but most of all find some way to get back on your meds. You are not alone....I know everyone says that but if you can keep that thought in your mind it might help you to keep goiing forward.
This illness has taken me on many paths while teaching me how to live with it, not fight it.

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