Thanks for your reply.
From your post, you noted:
1. The house we are thinking of moving into is mine. I insisted on buying the house because of the security it would give me. Having been kicked out of his house in one of his bipolar moments 4 times I'm very careful I don't put myself in a vulnerable position.
2. Living with me will mean he will live a more structured life. Proper meals at the right time. Company Etc.
3. I think to an extent I might be slightly co-dependant. Although, I have been to therapy and she doesn't think so. It's more likely he is. I do love him very much. I know he feels the same. He is also very aware that I am the only person in his life who has bothered to get educated about
bipolar and truly get to understand him and his condition. I can live alone. Due to his severe manic episodes I was often alone for months and doing well. He always came back when his mania passed and realised what he had done. It exasperated his depression to think how much he had hurt me.
4. You say: “Understand he once went through 6 months alcohol free. He can go through weeks drinking sensibly but suddenly abuse.” (As for can alcoholics drink, I don’t think so. And if I lived with one who thought they could, and then abused me, I’d get out of there.)
5. And “My original question was: is this lack of control on alcohol due to his bipolar?” I don’t know anything about
that, but there are alcoholics who lose control, and there are manics who lose control, and the combination could be worse.
6. And, “Can he control himself if he put his mind to it?”
In my view, if he had a positive frame of mind, he would stand a better chance of controlling himself.
One thing is, you can’t control what he does, you can only control what you can. And you can choose to stay away from him. You aren’t entering that equation into the picture. It’s always, can he do better?
You’re leaving yourself as defenseless. You’re not. Because of his hundreds of miss-behaviors, you can choose not to not let him into your house. Once he’s in your house, he rules, and you’re back to asking questions, can he improve? My question is, can you get away from him?
7. And “Or am I just wading against the tide in vane?” I think with him, you’re in a hopeless situation. But I think you can’t stand to be away from him. But I’ve been in the same situation, so I can’t blame you but I can pray for you, as I wished someone had been praying for me when I was in a similar situation.
8. You said, “Although, I have been to therapy and she (therapist) doesn't think (I’m co-dependent).” What are you in therapy for? What are you like as a person? Are you dependent? Are you submissive? Are you clingy?
I’m the male version of all of those. If so, we’re setting ourselves up as bowling pins, and yet we need people. Tough situation to be in.
On the issue that he hit you, what’s preventing him from doing that again?
In the step by step process, you’ve let him reach that step (as I let my wife cheat on me, step by step). How far is that from him doing that again, and your excusing him once more? How far from that, to where he does that 10 times a year?
From hitting you, what if he almost kills you? What if he gets you down mentally and physically, to the point where you can’t get out? Gets your confidence so low, you don’t know if you can make it on your own (as my wife was trying to do me, and was to a degree successful)?
He could be buttering you up until he moves in. Then the drinking, the bad drinking, the verbal and perhaps physical abuse starts to creep in. You might be afraid to tell him to leave cause he might beat you up.
If he’s got a lot of money, he can buy his own house. I wouldn’t let an alcoholic, bipolar who has no intention of getting help, for he drinks when he takes his Lithium, move into my house. I don’t care how many promises he gave to quit drinking and hitting, so he can get his foot in the door.
I would say to him, improve over at your place, then tell me about
That’s his problem. What’s your and mine that we allow this?
You’ll have to make up your own mind, and until you feel it yourself, it won’t work.
Plus, even if you dropped him and got someone else, the other person could be worse.
But it is troubling to see how you and I get mistreated, and we come back for more.
My grown son mistreated me too much 6 months ago, and I quit having anything to do with him. By then, I had good support around me so that I could call on other people if I needed help. So that may have had something to do with it. But I can tell you, he went over the line as far as mistreating me, and I have had nothing to do with him since, even though we live only about
5 miles apart.
My wife abused me, and I do better now without her than I did with her. She died of a long illness about
7 years ago, and I’m making it on my own. How is your confidence level? Do you have a support system?
In your first post you said: "I make sure he has regular meals etc. As well as we need each others company and generally we get on very well. "
"I'm now concerned I cannot have my life controlled by alcohol."
"Am I asking the impossible ?"
"At the moment I've put my foot down against alcohol and his empty promises. He says he's considering giving up alcohol completely. Another empty promise?"
So we "need eacy other's company" is going up against "I'm now concerned I cannot have my life controlled by alcohol"
The question is, which one of those will win? And you're the judge. It's up to you. You and I can ask others all the questions we want, but in the end it's up to us, and that's the part we don't like.
"We are the captains of our soul, the masters of our fate."
Post Edited (Tim Tam) : 6/29/2017 4:00:37 PM (GMT-6)