Posted 9/11/2017 6:13 PM (GMT -7)
Hi. I'm sure this'll raise a lot of eyebrows and reel in a lot of views. Before you say anything, please don't give me the whole "talk to your psychiatrist before you make any significant changes in your medication" spiel. Believe me, I know.
So, I'm really kind of too heartbroken to get into my entire history and I apologize if I'm lacking etiquette or coming off as un-friendly.
Pretty much, I've been on Depakote for ten months now (about). My 21st birthday is coming up on the 17th but I can't enjoy it. This Depakote makes it physically impossible for me to feel happiness or joy. On top of that, I'm on a supplemental regime. Don't get me wrong, I love the supplements. In fact, that's the only thing I want to be on. Especially Lithium Orotate, which I've put many hours and days and weeks worth of research and have found that it should be very effective in treating bipolar. There are a good number of psychiatrists who approve of them and there have been several studies yielding positive results. But for reasons I'm still not totally clear on why, my psychiatrist(s) wants me on 250 mg Depakote. I'm back home away from Irma for a couple of days, and the one I went to today says "she didn't think the lithium rotate would be enough". Which doesn't make sense to me, because that's what I was put on after my first and only manic episode. The only reason I'm on this Depakote now is because it was thought that I had a manic episode back in October 2016, but recently me and my other psychiatrist have found out that it was actually over hydration.
I'm just so sick of feeling this way. For ten months, I've felt so empty. Not feeling joy about or anything or while I'm around anyone. I can't love, I can't feel the warmth of a hug, the joy of a conversation, the excitement or spontaneously of a joke, nothing. Man was not meant to live this way. Medications are not an answer. You don't take your car to a mechanic in hopes of fixing its radiator, only for to have the radiator taped up and to have A/C, key marks, and gas tank problems. That's not a fix. That's not a solution. And it is not acceptable.
I've just had my limit with this. One way or another, I'm getting off this. Both of my psychiatrists have recommended Vraylar, but I'm skeptical and hesitant. Apparently, it is not known how the medication works. With Depakote, I at least understand the brain chemistry and it makes sense to me. But I don't know what Vraylar will do to me. Both are listed as safe according to my neurotransmitter testing, but that doesn't necessarily mean satisfactory. I feel like its either this or some way, somehow I try to take matters into my own hands. Only problem is that it is required by my school to stay on medication.
I don't know what to do. I'm tired of being behind a glass wall and I'm tired of being surrounded by people and still feeling so alone. What do I do?