Getting worn out by bipolar spouse

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Loquito
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Date Joined Oct 2017
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 10/6/2017 5:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone. It's another Friday evening. I never know what mood my partner will be in or if he will even come home from work. I've gone to therapy, support groups etc. He will not take his meds and it's like living on a constant roller coaster of crazy antics and depression. I'm just wanting a normal existence and normal sleep patterns. Sometimes he stays up for days conjuring up crazy ideas or going into a rageful fit over mundane things. He's always irritated it seems. The good thing is I know what it's like to be in a normal relationship. I was married to the sweetest man for 17 years until he passed suddenly. Everyday was joy filled and peaceful. Sat Im finally making my own plans. Im meeting a friend for a movie and dinner. I just want to feel light hearted again!!

Lis

Tim Tam
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Date Joined May 2016
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   Posted 10/6/2017 7:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Lis:

The fact that he will not take his meds speaks volumes.

As a bipolar, when I first got on Lithium, after being misdiagnosed as only depressed for about 20 years, I thought it was wonderful.

It felt like the air had been let out of an overinflated balloon. I didn't realize I had been so tense. I didn't want to get off of Lithium, and I was on Mirtazapine for depression.

However, my bipolar was such that I couldn't hold a job, but I did work for say 15 years. I guess when I got to 35 or 40, I wasn't able to do that, because I had other health problems, also.

Is he about 40? I have wild flights of fancy, also, even on Lithium, and without it was worse. Is he OK when he's on his medicines?

Does he want to stay off of them so he can drink?

You say, "Sat Im finally making my own plans. Im meeting a friend for a movie and dinner. I just want to feel light hearted again!!"

I think that's a good step. Of course, he will probably become enraged if you even go out for 5 minutes, even though he may got out for hours every week. He may feel he is losing control of you and may cause an uproar.

I think part of this is how strong are you to make it on your own, financially, emotionally? If you don't have enough money, for instance, you probably aren't going anywhere.

My wife treated me like a dog for 29 years, but I didn't leave because I didn't have any money or jobs, and we had a young child. So you may be in a better position to bail out as soon as it gets too much for you.

Let us know how it goes Saturday night.

UserANONYMOUS
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Total Posts : 4405
   Posted 10/9/2017 5:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Lis,

Welcome to the forum smile! I am glad you joined our community.

I am sorry for the loss of your partner. It is nice that you had a wonderful 17 years or marriage. Cherish those memories!

I am glad you are in therapy. Having a support system can be helpful even for those with partners who are are Bipolar. Dealing with a Bipolar partner can be hard of your health as well, especially when they do not want to seek help.

I hope you were able to get out on Saturday and you had some fun.

Please know that we are here for you.

Again, welcome, and I hope to learn more about you.

UA
Moderator - Bipolar

Loquito
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Date Joined Oct 2017
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 10/9/2017 8:15 PM (GMT -7)   
It was nice to go out with a calm friend. There was no constant shift in mood, rage, or abuse. I'm back now and I see clearly how awful it is to live with an unmediated bipolar person. Back to the rage, abuse and constant temper tantrums. I'm tired! L

Loquito
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Date Joined Oct 2017
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 10/9/2017 8:19 PM (GMT -7)   
I know longer want to be a caretaker for someone who doesn't own up to his illness. His family has given up on him.They no longer want contact with him. Even his so called friends shy away from him. Mind you when he is medicated he can be a sweetheart. He is so inconsistent. I'm so frustrated. L

theHTreturns...
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 19913
   Posted 10/9/2017 10:07 PM (GMT -7)   
remember, it is not him, it's the condition. it is an insidious and complex medical condition that is more complex on the individual living with it; and thus the individuals mindset is changed in a way that makes the frustration on others more paramount. it is a chemical imbalance, people do not always remember this, however no change will happen until medication compliance, treatment and self acceptance happens by the individual with the condition. the person who lives with it suffers the roller coaster of up's n downs, mania, agitation, psychosis and often rapid cycles between all of these.
the good point is it is very much treatable and people can and do function quite well in society when complying with treatment and medication. i am one of these people. i give lectures to 2nd yr medical students and work every now and then in strategic planning within mental health hospital systems....but it is up to the person to want wellness, a usual affect is that you are wrong, the individual right and they need no help. just some info from someone with a bi-polar medical condition. i don't have bi-polar, that is saying i own it, rather i live with it and manage it. ht

Loquito
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2017
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 10/9/2017 10:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Wow that's great. I wish my partner would do the same. I'm so exhausted from this and getting depressed myselfšŸ¤£

cilly
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Date Joined Aug 2014
Total Posts : 1357
   Posted 10/10/2017 8:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Take care of your health First !

As being with my ex who was non -medicated Bipolar was hell .So can relate to you Lis.

My depression ,anxiety and PTSD came into existence by being with him for a long time.They are so deep rooted by my ignorance for my own self that I am non-functional in many aspects and unable to gain employment because of him.

Anyways we all have the right to know right from wrong ,but knowing is different than realzing by first hand experience .

Hope you find your answer and find your peace.

Take it slow and take care of yourself FIRST!!!
Cilly

UserANONYMOUS
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Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4405
   Posted 10/10/2017 12:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Lis,

Try talking to your partner, or let someone they are close too talk to them. Let them know that this is affecting the relationship. However, someone who has Bipolar must be willing to get help. If not, there isn't much anyone can do until they are willing to accept help.

I too would suggest you put you first. Take care of yourself and do what is best for you.

UA
Moderator - Bipolar

Tim Tam
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Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1080
   Posted 10/13/2017 11:38 AM (GMT -7)   
When you find someone is toxic, I think the next question is are we strong enough, financially able enough, and other factors are OK like hopefully no children or financially connected like buying a house together, to make a decision as to what we want to do?

I was in a similar unhealthy situation, but, but one, it started when our child was young, we were buying a house that I would never have it I got unhooked from that, I had no job much of that time, could not make it on my own with my bipolar.

So he's then one who has the bipolar, better than you having that, could mean you're strong enough to make the break.

I think you should keep up the outside socialization, exercising your independence, until you get confident enough to make the decision as to what you want to do.

That way, you'll already have a social life built up, to go to, and you won't feel trapped in the toxic situation.

Loquito
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2017
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 10/13/2017 12:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Thankyou for your words of encouragement. We live in Sonoma County, ravaged by fire. When things start to recover I'm going to look at getting him out. I might need a restraining order. You are right in using the word "toxic". He had a great job but his boss told him to take the week off. It could be a polite way of getting rid of my partner. Its happened countless times. Of course I am now the scapegoat for his many traumas. Ill keep u up to date . L

Tim Tam
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Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1080
   Posted 10/13/2017 3:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Right when you get everything going your way, then there it comes, the fire.

That seems to be the way it goes sometimes. But I think you can do this.

Loquito
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2017
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 10/13/2017 9:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Sure is exhausting living with an unmediated bipolar. I'd rather climb to the top of Everest lol

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1080
   Posted 10/14/2017 11:14 AM (GMT -7)   
In a way, you don't have it bad, you have it good, having the strength and finances to get out of a tough situation.

Use those strengths while you have them. Plenty of people, I was kinda one of them for 29 years, didn't have the right circumstances, young child, buying a house we both wanted to live in and own one day, to leave.

So again, celebrate your strengths to get out of a bad situation, especially while you still have them, and then maybe one day use your experiences and strength to help others who may need a nudge to escape their difficult situation.

Right, turn a negative into a positive.

Loquito
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2017
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 10/14/2017 12:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you. He's in a bipolar rage for a few days. The fires here are not helping. He's turning it into his own drama raging and verbally abusing anyone. Its scary.

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1080
   Posted 10/14/2017 2:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh, no. We are praying for you. I wish somebody had prayed for me when I was going through heck for 29 years.

I wish somebody had taken 5 minutes to help me out. I did get some help, but it does come back to ourselves, in that we have to make some decisions, it's our strength which it's going to come down to.

Have been through some difficult times, I know what it's like when people walk away and don't offer any help.

Are you in any danger? How are you holding up?

Since he's the one in your house, and you're not the one in his place, or in like a rented apartment, what does that do, add another problem.

One of the things about being in a house with a bad person is that you can't leave and go home, because you're in our home. I hate that. I'm most comfortable being in somebody else's house, for I can leave anytime I want to.

I can't do that when I'm in my own house. So, is this giving you a problem?

And then there is the fire. Oh, gosh. I think we have to be positive that we can get through this. Hello! I know, I know, it's difficult.

Are you feeling like, what am I going to do? Are you having to, like, sleep near him at night?

How manic and angry is he? Have you seen these stages before and made it through? Or is this one worse?

What is the biggest problem right now? Is he drinking?

You said, "It's scary." Oh, no. Oh, no. What are you concerned most about?

Africa99
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2017
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 10/21/2017 7:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Where r mybposts

UserANONYMOUS
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4405
   Posted 10/24/2017 7:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Loquito,

Sorry I missed you post earlier...

How is he now? Is he still in rage?

He does not sound safe to be around. Do you have a friend or relative you can stay by until he calms down? I would suggest you stay elsewhere. This environment does not sound safe.

UA
Moderator - Bipolar

Loquito
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2017
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 11/5/2017 7:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Still ups and downs. He always quits his jobs because he can't get along with people in the long run. It's usually him but he blames others. It's a daily battle. There is no joy or peace. He is at war with his own mental state. I feel I want to run but he lives in my home. He's a control freak, unmediated and in denial. He's unwilling to consider meds. Help

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1080
   Posted 11/5/2017 8:55 AM (GMT -7)   
How is the wild fire situation going? Did those ever slow down?

Do you ever see yourself as choosing to live in this situation?

I lived in a bad marriage for 29 years. Part of that, I didn't want to leave my then 3-year-old son, and part of that I did not want to leave the house we were buying, because I knew one day we would own it.

Also, as a bipolar, I could not hold a job, so financially I was basically unable to leave. And it was hellacious.

And she was sadistic, and I was obviously masochistic. I had chest pain, everything.

So, I'm wondering if it gets too bad for you, can you walk away from this? Or, since you two live in your house, can you bring yourself to tell him to leave?

While I did complain about my living situation, I also knew on some level I was choosing to stay. I felt I had no good choice. Leaving was a bad or worse as staying.

So, are you able financially, mentally, able to leave if you so choose?

Also, does he ever drink when he's manic or depressed? If so, what is that like?

Loquito
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2017
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 11/5/2017 12:46 PM (GMT -7)   
No he doesn't drink anymore. He did before I met him. It landed him in jail several times. He is the kind of bipolar that gets verbally and physically abusive when in the manic state. He has hit my dogs, me, and pushed my sister. He has narcissistic tendencies, and delusions. He's been in jail at least a half dozen times for assault, as nd vandalism. I'm trying to get a renter so money is not such a big issue. I tolerate him because of finances, that's it. I hope all is peaceful in your life. Sounds like you are responsible. Thanks for your support. L

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1080
   Posted 11/5/2017 1:42 PM (GMT -7)   
The plot thickens.

When you talk about his background, it reminds me of your post 2 or 3 weeks ago, where you wrote:

"Thank you. He's in a bipolar rage for a few days. The fires here are not helping. He's turning it into his own drama raging and verbally abusing anyone. Its scary."

Now you write:

"He is the kind of bipolar that gets verbally and physically abusive when in the manic state. He has hit my dogs, me, and pushed my sister. He has narcissistic tendencies, and delusions. He's been in jail at least a half dozen times for assault, as nd vandalism."

And you note: "I'm trying to get a renter so money is not such a big issue. I tolerate him because of finances, that's it"

I was wondering, "What is holding her to this guy?" It was an issue that was holding me to my psychologically, emotionally abusive wife: because of my bipolar, I had trouble with jobs and therefore with money. Plus we had a child for about 8 of those years.

So, I can't say I can't understand what's holding you to this guy, for I do. For I've been in the same situation.

Did you refer to this person one time as your spouse? Did you say once, he was going to move in with you? Has he moved in yet? Is it his rent or money you're dependent on now?

My wife was pathological, which compares to some of the things you've been saying. She was trying to destroy me. I've described our situation as two dogs in a pit. She knew I didn't have enough money to leave, and she came after me.

So, I have an idea of what you're going through. You can be glad you don't have a child.

If he hasn't moved in, and you can get a renter, you might can get through this without too much difficulty.

Be positive that you can get through it.

Loquito
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2017
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 11/5/2017 8:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello, Unfortunately he does live me and has for 8 years. He's always threatening to leave if he doesn't get his way . He never follows through though. It's just one of his many temper tantrums. He acts like a 2 year old sometimes. I don't know if that's typical of NO. He's a case of arrested development. I've had renters before and they all found him high strung, rude and temperamental. He never owns up to the way he treats people. It's always them. It seems the key to coping with bipolar disorder is owning up no? L

Tim Tam
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Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1080
   Posted 11/7/2017 9:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Saw a TV program the other night, true crime as usual.

It was about a teenage girl who got involved with an abusive fellow teen. When she tried to leave him for the 2nd or third time, it got really bad.

After she got out of the hospital, she was telling what went on. She said that:

1. She felt sorry for him

2. She didn't leave him because she was afraid to

3. Her loss of self-esteem due to his physical and mental abuse wore down her self-confidence and she wasn't able to leave.

Wondering if any of this applies to you?

As for key to bipolar is to own up to one's bipolar problems, I as a bipolar only recently, in the last few weeks, was able to see myself as sick, 365 days a year, even when I'm not having a problem.

When not having a problem, I think there is nothing wrong with me. But I only recently realized, I'm sick all the time. It's just that my social uneasiness, for instance, is not causing me any problem at the moment, because I'm not in a social situation.

But I'm still bipolar, and if an associate knocked on the door and wanted to have a conversation, I would feel awkward, and my problems would occur.

So, I guess your boyfriend does not feel sick sitting around the house, and flying off the handle every now and then, he thinks it's somebody else causing that outburst.

But when he gets fired from a job, after the initial anger at his employer, deep down he does feel sick.

So I guess that's what you're talking about, he doesn't see his own illness.

Which brings us back to you. You say you've been in a good marriage, so you know the difference.

Is it finances that keeps you around him? I was stuck in that situation for 29 years. It can happen. As much as it repulses you, it can happen. You can get into an "uh-oh" situation. "I'm stuck."

I only recently got out of a situation with my grown son, who I didn't know was carrying on the abuse of his mother, who's been deceased now from a long illness for 8 years.

For those 8 years, he has been coming after me. I finally caught him, and ended the relationship, because it was very serious what he was doing, and involved my health. I realized, I can't be around this guy. He can't even come on to my property.

If you see your boyfriend affecting your mental or physical health, or could, I think you need to be working on getting away from that. Once you've caught him trying to bring you down, belittling you, reducing your confidence in an effort to destroy it, hitting you, controlling you, taking away your friends, checking your phone, those are all big warning signs.

And like the girl on the TV program, your confidence can slowly dip to where you think you can't get away from him. It did for her, and she almost got killed.

So what you want to do is avoid that before it gets to that. Don't wait until you get backed up against the wall, and everything is in his hands. Try to step away from that before it gets to that point.

Do you feel in any danger? If you told him to leave your house, what would happen? Do you have a plan to get him out of your house? Do you have to stand right up to him and tell him that?

Maybe have someone else in the house, like a policeman?

I don't now what NO stands for, as in, is that typical of NO.
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