Newly Diagnosed

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PonderAsYouWonder
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2017
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 10/11/2017 4:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello!

This is my first time online to talk about this. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, rapid cycling in early May. I had just come out of a hypomanic episode and was in depression. It was so bad I had to take time off from work. It is now October and I have been in IOP for almost 12 weeks. The week before I started IOP I found out my husband and I are pregnant with our second child.

So a little background. My husband now and I got pregnant with our first young, we didn't get married until our son turned 4 because we didn't want to rush into things or get married because of the pregnancy. And during the time we were not married I fell more in love with my husband everyday. He is a wonderful person, and he try's so hard everyday. My son beautiful and sweet not like any 5 year old I know, he constantly tells me I'm the best and that he loves me all the way to Pluto.

Well anyways since I was diagnosed and started IOP, I have struggled. The first week I had pretty bad episode, my husband was out with family unable to come home. (Btw my hypomanic episodes are all over the place, most of the time irritability and outbursts but other times they can last days or weeks and in those i have done horrible things that I had no idea as to why) When he was finally able to come home I was somewhere between hypomanic and drepression. I was still irritable but also a sobbing inconsolable mess it was the first time I had self-harmed in a very long time. He put our son to bed and tried to comfort me difficult to do because I had wedged yourself into a nook in my closet. I was hiding embarrassed and ashamed. That shame and guilt has been a constant since my diagnosis. (Just FYI my parents refused to believe my diagnosis)

We don't really talk about that night and he helped me sweep it under the rug. Still no one but him knows I self harmed that night. Fast forward I'm in October been in IOP almost 12 weeks and I'm afraid I have made little to no progress. I am actually able to let my husband touch me when I am a crying mess now, which before I'd run and lock myself in the closet or bathroom.

But I still feel a huge weight of guilt and shame. I feel like a black hole. I'm pretty positive that we are struggling financially and I feel (know) it's my fault for taking time off work to do IOP. I feel like an emotional burden. I'm so afraid that my BP is affecting our son. My husband thinks I baby him. I really don't think that I do. I do know I'm terrified of having an outburst around him. I'm terrified. Anyways I'm here because tonight my fears are not letting me sleep. I woke up from a nightmare that I was having a hypomanic episode that lead to my husband leaving and I had an outburst and he got hurt. Now it's all I can think of fear of him leaving but even more so the fear that he will stay and fear that I am hurting him. I can't stop crying. I wish that we had never gotten married that he wasn't tied to me. I just love him so much and the thought that he is tied to me this rollercoaster of emotions is devastating. I feel like everyone one I love is sucked into that black hole that is me.

UserANONYMOUS
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4428
   Posted 10/11/2017 10:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi PonderAsYouWonder,

Welcome to the forum!

I am sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like your hubby is supportive. Having family members support you while you go through this can be helpful. I commend you for taking the step to get help and starting IOP. I have never been in IOP, so I do not have any personal experience with it. However, I think that it is a big step anyone can take in seeking help. You meet other persons with struggles as yours, and learn how to cope together. In order to do this, you must be open in therapy.

I know you mentioned that you felt no progress since you have been there. Are you an active participant? Being open in therapy can help. Being open can be challenging especially if it is not something you are accustom to. I know I would not want to share much until I felt comfortable. When I started therapy, it took me while before I opened up and felt comfortable talking to my therapist. She was patient and opening up helped me.

I believe you are making progress. It may sound like little, but I think it is a big step that you let your hubby console you instead of dealing with it alone.
Keep on working at the programme. Remember you son needs you, and your baby will need you as well.
Congrats on the pregnancy smile

UA
Moderator - Bipolar

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1109
   Posted 10/13/2017 11:26 AM (GMT -7)   
It might be better to be what your husband and your son think you are, rather than what you sometimes believe yourself to be.

For awhile, I was my own worst enemy, because it turned out, I had negative thinking when trying to solve problems.

That negative thinking I had may have been from by bipolar I (meaning, without meds, I have full blown mania, while you only have hypo mania), or my neg. thinking could have come from the household I was brought up in.

But I try to think positive now that I can solve a problem, by trying to have a positive frame of mind that I can solve it even before I actually start trying to solve the problem.

Do you feel like you can solve this or these problems?

Are you taking any meds now?

PonderAsYouWonder
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2017
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 10/14/2017 2:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Tim Tam said...
It might be better to be what your husband and your son think you are, rather than what you sometimes believe yourself to be.

For awhile, I was my own worst enemy, because it turned out, I had negative thinking when trying to solve problems.

That negative thinking I had may have been from by bipolar I (meaning, without meds, I have full blown mania, while you only have hypo mania), or my neg. thinking could have come from the household I was brought up in.

But I try to think positive now that I can solve a problem, by trying to have a positive frame of mind that I can solve it even before I actually start trying to solve the problem.

Do you feel like you can solve this or these problems?

Are you taking any meds now?




Be what they think I am?
I'm not sure what you mean. My husband is aware I am a mess. He try's everyday to support and be there for me some days are harder than others. As for my son we try to hide everything from him.

As for solving problems?
What problems should I be solving. The only thing I'm working on now is IOP classes (distress tolerance, emotion regulation, group etc.) the financial situation my husband won't let me even look at because he doesn't want me to spiral or feel like I should quit iop to go back to work. So I don't know where this came from.

I am on lamictal the highest doesage I can be on is 100 mg and that's what we are doing. My psychiatrist knows I'm still struggling but doesn't want to change up medications until after the baby is born.

I really don't know what you mean by "do you feel you can solve this or these problems?".
I wasn't aware that bipolar was something you could solve every one I've talked with has made it seem like it's something you have to live with and manage to the best of your ability. If you are referring to my last paragraph of struggling with guilt and shame, I don't know if I can solve it but I tried to make amends. Apologize for past actions and over correct(if you don't know what that means in my case I couldn't promise that they wouldn't happen again so I promised; that I was committed to the process, that I would take my meds, that I would to the best of my ability watch for signs of a hypomanic episode, that if he noticed signs I couldn't promise that I would hear him because that isn't a promise I can make during hypomanic episodes I think I am fine, but that he could reach out to my psychologist and psychiatrist if he saw signs.) I can't take back past actions but trying to learn to live with them. Doesn't make the feeling of shame and guilt disappear.

I am just really confused by your post. Maybe if you clarified idk.

PonderAsYouWonder
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2017
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 10/14/2017 3:10 PM (GMT -7)   
UserANONYMOUS said...
Hi PonderAsYouWonder,

Welcome to the forum!

I am sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like your hubby is supportive. Having family members support you while you go through this can be helpful. I commend you for taking the step to get help and starting IOP. I have never been in IOP, so I do not have any personal experience with it. However, I think that it is a big step anyone can take in seeking help. You meet other persons with struggles as yours, and learn how to cope together. In order to do this, you must be open in therapy.

I know you mentioned that you felt no progress since you have been there. Are you an active participant? Being open in therapy can help. Being open can be challenging especially if it is not something you are accustom to. I know I would not want to share much until I felt comfortable. When I started therapy, it took me while before I opened up and felt comfortable talking to my therapist. She was patient and opening up helped me.

I believe you are making progress. It may sound like little, but I think it is a big step that you let your hubby console you instead of dealing with it alone.
Keep on working at the programme. Remember you son needs you, and your baby will need you as well.
Congrats on the pregnancy smile

UA


Thank you for welcoming me!

I'm very lucky that my husband has put so much effort into learning about BP and learning how to support me. He has even met with both my psychologist and psychiatrist. It was a rocky start, still is at times but I'm very lucky to have him. As for other support in my family I don't really have any. So really scared for his deployment. I'll lose my entire support system and have a newborn.

Thank you for your support. I am doing the best I can. Some days are worse than others. With the help of my IOP leader I am coping ahead, we have safety plan for hypomanic episodes while my husband is here and working on one for when he deploys but I need to find someone I trust outside of my husband who can contact her if and when there are signs of a hypomanic episode. Tougher than it sounds since my family of origin want nothing to do with this. They want me "do what I gotta do to be fixed" and then come back fixed. They don't want to see it or be a part of it.

Thank you again for your kind words. It was nice to hear about you and I don't feel as alone. In group I am the only one with BP and it's nice to hear from someone else who does.

I guess I really joined this BP forum to find people to connect to, people who understand, maybe find advice and solace that I am not alone.

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1109
   Posted 10/14/2017 6:44 PM (GMT -7)   
You wondered what I meant by, “It might be better to be what your husband and your son think you are, rather than what you sometimes believe yourself to be.”

What I meant was, you gave a favorable rating to your son and your husband, who it appears think highly of you, even though you are having your difficulties, for you said about your husband, “He is a wonderful person, and he try's so hard everyday. My son beautiful and sweet not like any 5 year old I know, he constantly tells me I'm the best and that he loves me all the way to Pluto.”

And you said, “As for solving problems?

“What problems should I be solving. The only thing I'm working on now is IOP classes (distress tolerance, emotion regulation, group etc.) the financial situation my husband won't let me even look at because he doesn't want me to spiral or feel like I should quit iop to go back to work. So I don't know where this came from.”

I’m saying, emotional and financial problems are, in their purest form, problems. I’m wondering if you can be positive that you can solve these problems?

I was negative about problem solving for many years, until I read that if you feel you can solve a problem before you even begin to try to solve it, you increase your chances of solving it, for you are looking for ways to win.

If you feel you can’t solve the problem even before you begin to try to solve it, your brain will be looking for ways to lose. Whichever command you give it, it will follow.

I’m saying, are you, like I use to be, mentally set on not solving those problems? Or are you mentally set on solving those problems?

I’m saying, the column I read on that said, our attitude, positive or negative, plays a big part in determining the outcome, for that is what our brain will be looking for, victory or defeat, as you tell it.

You said, “I wasn't aware that bipolar was something you could solve every one I've talked with has made it seem like it's something you have to live with and manage to the best of your ability.”

You’re right, you probably can’t “solve” bipolar. I have bipolar. I manage to get through the day (some days are very rough). But I’m not trying to cure bipolar, I’m trying to see a psychiatrist, try out different meds, then taking on the next problem, the day, the overall problem and plan in a positive way, with a “I think I can solve this next problem” type of attitude.

I’ll give you an example. My teenage son came to me with a problem years ago. The car wouldn’t start, and it was in the backyard. We have narrow driveways which no big wrecker can get into. My neg. mind said, “I’ll wait till my wife comes home, and get her to solve this problem.”

I then rem. my plan of, next time I have a problem, to first read the column on being positive when you have a prob. to solve, when the next problem occurs. So I read the column, and when I got to the 4th paragraph, I said, “Boswells.”

What was “Boswells?” It was a garage up the street who had a small wrecker that had already picked up a car in our backyard. I had forgotten about that, and went with my neg. mind of “I can’t solve this problem.” And I was right. In a neg. frame of mind, I couldn’t solve that problem.

But when I read the col. on first being positive before trying to solve a problem, it knocked out the hidden neg. from my brain, and allowed the positive to take over, and I solved the problem.

I was the problem, not the problem. My neg. brain was the problem.

That’s why I asked you, “Do you feel like you can solve this or these problems?”

Because it’s what you think going into the problem that plays a big part in whether we solve the next problem that is in front of us.

So I ask you, ““Do you feel like you can solve this or these problems?”

You said, “If (by solving my problems—Tim Tam) you are referring to my last paragraph of struggling with guilt and shame, I don't know if I can solve it but I tried to make amends.”

Everybody makes mistakes, it’s just that the only ones we know about are our own. But that doesn’t make us bad people who can’t get through the day because we made a mistake. But if we think negative about ourselves, then we have to come up with reasons for that, and some mistakes we made in the past will work OK.

But if we think positive about ourselves, and you have a lot to feel good about yourself, then we’ll see the positive things we did in the past, and think about those...often!!!!!

It’s according to how we think about ourselves in the first place, whether we see the good things we did in the past, or the bad.

Were you raised in a negative house hold? I was, and had bipolar, also, so that’s where I think my neg. thinking came from all those years, one of those things or both.

You said, (even by trying to treat my bipolar) “(It)Doesn't make the feeling of shame and guilt disappear.“

Shame and guilt for making a mistake like everyone else? How about pride in being such a great, sensitive person whose son and husband love you very much? That’s what I meant by, “live up to their expectations, not yours.”

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20048
   Posted 10/14/2017 8:31 PM (GMT -7)   
hi and welcome. sorry my vision bad, but you on lamictal. good. have u had bloods done for levels? i am on 200mg. lamictal a background med that works better with an anti dep alike pristiq etc. it does get better, sometimes we hit the skids for a bit, but bounce back with support. keep up with meds and therapy. and keep posting. we are all unique and in dx with a bi-polar disorder, it is a complex condition, for us as much as it is for others. remember it a chemical imbalance, nnt you, ok. it is about management, and with management we can function. keep strong.

UserANONYMOUS
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4428
   Posted 10/16/2017 12:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi PonderAsYouWonder,

Sounds like they have a lot planned for you in IOP. This is great. Keep on working at it. We are cheering you on and know that you will get through this.
We are always here for you.

UA
Moderator - Bipolar

kellyinCali
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 292
   Posted 10/17/2017 2:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi PonderAsYouWonder - Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.
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