You wondered what I meant by, “It might be better to be what your husband and your son think you are, rather than what you sometimes believe yourself to be.”
What I meant was, you gave a favorable rating to your son and your husband, who it appears think highly of you, even though you are having your difficulties, for you said about your husband, “He is a wonderful person, and he try's so hard everyday. My son beautiful and sweet not like any 5 year old I know, he constantly tells me I'm the best and that he loves me all the way to Pluto.”
And you said, “As for solving problems?
“What problems should I be solving. The only thing I'm working on now is IOP classes (distress tolerance, emotion regulation, group etc.) the financial situation my husband won't let me even look at because he doesn't want me to spiral or feel like I should quit iop to go back to work. So I don't know where this came from.”
I’m saying, emotional and financial problems are, in their purest form, problems. I’m wondering if you can be positive that you can solve these problems?
I was negative about problem solving for many years, until I read that if you feel you can solve a problem before you even begin to try to solve it, you increase your chances of solving it, for you are looking for ways to win.
If you feel you can’t solve the problem even before you begin to try to solve it, your brain will be looking for ways to lose. Whichever command you give it, it will follow.
I’m saying, are you, like I use to be, mentally set on not solving those problems? Or are you mentally set on solving those problems?
I’m saying, the column I read on that said, our attitude, positive or negative, plays a big part in determining the outcome, for that is what our brain will be looking for, victory or defeat, as you tell it.
You said, “I wasn't aware that bipolar was something you could solve every one I've talked with has made it seem like it's something you have to live with and manage to the best of your ability.”
You’re right, you probably can’t “solve” bipolar. I have bipolar. I manage to get through the day (some days are very rough). But I’m not trying to cure bipolar, I’m trying to see a psychiatrist, try out different meds, then taking on the next problem, the day, the overall problem and plan in a positive way, with a “I think I can solve this next problem” type of attitude.
I’ll give you an example. My teenage son came to me with a problem years ago. The car wouldn’t start, and it was in the backyard. We have narrow driveways which no big wrecker can get into. My neg. mind said, “I’ll wait till my wife comes home, and get her to solve this problem.”
I then rem. my plan of, next time I have a problem, to first read the column on being positive when you have a prob. to solve, when the next problem occurs. So I read the column, and when I got to the 4th paragraph, I said, “Boswells.”
What was “Boswells?” It was a garage up the street who had a small wrecker that had already picked up a car in our backyard. I had forgotten about that, and went with my neg. mind of “I can’t solve this problem.” And I was right. In a neg. frame of mind, I couldn’t solve that problem.
But when I read the col. on first being positive before trying to solve a problem, it knocked out the hidden neg. from my brain, and allowed the positive to take over, and I solved the problem.
I was the problem, not the problem. My neg. brain was the problem.
That’s why I asked you, “Do you feel like you can solve this or these problems?”
Because it’s what you think going into the problem that plays a big part in whether we solve the next problem that is in front of us.
So I ask you, ““Do you feel like you can solve this or these problems?”
You said, “If (by solving my problems—Tim Tam) you are referring to my last paragraph of struggling with guilt and shame, I don't know if I can solve it but I tried to make amends.”
Everybody makes mistakes, it’s just that the only ones we know about are our own. But that doesn’t make us bad people who can’t get through the day because we made a mistake. But if we think negative about ourselves, then we have to come up with reasons for that, and some mistakes we made in the past will work OK.
But if we think positive about ourselves, and you have a lot to feel good about yourself, then we’ll see the positive things we did in the past, and think about those...often!!!!!
It’s according to how we think about ourselves in the first place, whether we see the good things we did in the past, or the bad.
Were you raised in a negative house hold? I was, and had bipolar, also, so that’s where I think my neg. thinking came from all those years, one of those things or both.
You said, (even by trying to treat my bipolar) “(It)Doesn't make the feeling of shame and guilt disappear.“
Shame and guilt for making a mistake like everyone else? How about pride in being such a great, sensitive person whose son and husband love you very much? That’s what I meant by, “live up to their expectations, not yours.”