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Southdakotam26
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2017
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 11/8/2017 3:53 PM (GMT -7)   
I met my beautiful wife in Cebu Phillipines well I was on vacation. She was at a beauty pageant and well I just felt drawn to her. She is 25 I am 38. So we do have a age gap.. She was the Matriarch of her family. Her mother left her when she was 12 had a abusive drunk father that didn't give up the bottle till she was about 15. We communicated via skype and I made a trip to see her. The romance was great. On my last trip there I proposed to her she seemed like the perfect woman respectful god fearing and loyal. She came to the states on a K1 visa in September of 16. We got married at the end of September. Life was amazing for the first month but then she started getting Migraines and homesickness she cry all night wanting to go back to the phillipines. She wake up though the next morning apologize and everything was good. Then behaviors started changing. She claimed her neck and head were so much pain that all she could do was look at facebook. Scared, took her to the doctor they said its probably adjustment to the new altitude and cold weather.. They reccomended she drink plenty of water and we run humidifier and continue to use NSAIDS for her headaches as they would make them not be as bad. Well, the fights then started over small things. That I had friends.. That I was still friends with someone that I was intimate with 10 years ago but that person is now married to my best friend so we all hang out. Then it was I received a hug from a friend I haven't seen long time in front of her. She go on tirads about wanting to go home and that I am a worthless old husband that she needs a young man. She say such meanful disrespectful things. Like I or you are a worthless human being and I can't believe I married you. Then the next day she cry and apologize or pretend like nothing happened. She go on spending sprees that put us in a world of debt then get made when we have no money because we have to pay those debts. Well, fast forward 9 months she attempted suicide I had to pull the knife from her hands.. I had to drag her to the doctor. They finally diagnosed her with depression and put her on Antitryptan 25 mg for Migraine relief and Diazapan 1mg to help her sleep..


Well, 1 week after suicide attempt she threw her ring at me because I thought she was sleeping so I shut the light off but i guess she wasn't. This lead to me apologizing for shutting the light off which started the fight her got to WHY YOU ALWAYS apologize that makes it my fault and throws her ring at me wanting a divorce. This was about the 40th time of her insults so I finally stood my ground asked her what she wanted..She said to go home and a divorce. I said okay done. She said good.. Next day I ignored her went to my families taking are 1 car as she totaled the other car 2 days before in a texting on facebook and driving and hit a car at 40 mph. Anyways, as she called me and sent nasty msg to me ignored them. I had a family get together that I went to.. She walked 3 miles in heels to the get together and then apologized to my family and me saying she doesn't want a divorce and us ignoring her made her realize she was wrong. We then made a pac that night she would never say a mean or hateful thing to me. My self esteem was incredible after past year I gained 30lbs all on my stomach my job performance is slipping. I look in the mirror i see a worthless man that can't handle and make his wife happy and that is all he wanted to do. Well of course she broke the pac 5 days later got made at me over saying we didn't have the budget for Christmas decorations. She of course then went into our joint and spent 300 bucks on it. That was suppose to pay for her Braces bill. She then apologized said she was wrong and returned it. Well, 3 days later now I was stuck working late at my job. She wanted me to go to popeyes chicken. I went right after I left work but they were closed. I called her asked her if she wanted something else she exploded hanged the phone up on me calling me a pile of crap. I called back she never answered. When i got home she said what did you get me.. I said nothing you wouldn't answer my call. She said oh so now your starving me and abusing me bye not feeding me. I said I cook you something in the kitchen she said no just get the hell out. So i left her alone went into the living room. She then came into the living room 10 minutes later and ask me what i cooked for her I said nothing she blew up again. I said what do you want she said figure it out. So i made her pancackes and eggs. She refused to eat it said to go sleep downstairs so i did. PS. She refused marriage counseling and going to see the doctor again for a check up after a month of the anti depressents.

My family wants me to get a divorce they think its emotional abuse and they can already tell their son is not the son he was before he married his wife. They say I need to get out now. I love her but I can't keep doing this..

I need help.. I am thinking its biopolar but I described all this to the doctor and he said its homesickenss that put her into depressions and the migraines then cause her to go into bad moods.


She says the same words every fight I don't love you. Your pathetic I want a divorce i want out I want to marry a OLD Rich man.. and FU a bunch of times. The behaviors have gotten more and more frequent like now 2 to 3 times a week compared to 2-4 weeks intervals.


Just need help advice or if I give up my wedding vow sickness and in health.. She is financially almost bankrupt us with her spending and putting me on as her co-signer since she has my ssn and can get a loan about everything on the internet.

With correct medication if i can get her to a doctor will this stop.. I dont' think i can handle it much longer.

EDIT: Post edited due to language used. I removed part of a sentence.
Refer to rules: /www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=46&m=106997
UA

Post Edited By Moderator (UserANONYMOUS) : 11/9/2017 5:09:56 AM (GMT-7)


Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1077
   Posted 11/8/2017 6:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Your marriage sounds a lot like the one I had.

And the symptoms you say about your wife sound a lot like the symptoms my wife had.

You said one doctor said she might be Bipolar.

As a Bipolar myself, it could be that, but I’m thinking it sounds like something else.

As a person with no medical training, but who has read about this condition quite a bit, I believe my wife had borderline personality syndrome, caused by trauma in childhood, usually sexual abuse.

(As for the possible sexual abuse in your wife’s case, you said,
“Her mother left her when she was 12 had a abusive drunk father that didn't give up the bottle till she was about 15.”

(In your years of being with her, have you ever heard her say anything like, “Well, one night when he was drunk, he came into my room…”?

(You may not have paid much attention to it, but you need to now.

(With no mother in the home to protect the child, with a father who is drunk, and with her turning out the way she did and pathologically hating males, that is a lot of information right there.)

Such possible abuse in childhood can cause their ego to divide, as they can’t handle this trauma, but run to one side of their now divided ego, and leave the trauma on the other side of their ego, with a protection wall in between.

Emotionally they don’t grow anymore past the age when the trauma occurred, whether it was 10 or 12 or what. Emotionally, they stay at that physical age, while physically, they grow to 15, 30, etc.
So, you see a 30-year-old, but really they're an emotional 10 year old.

You see one physical person, but they’re really two, because of the divided ego. They’re the nicest person in the world, and they’re also the meanest person in the world.

Your mind cannot conceive of that, because you’re seeing only one physical person. That’s why you can never figure these people out.

1. That why you say, “homesickness she cry all night wanting to go back to the phillipines. She wake up though the next morning apologize and everything was good.” It’s like two different people in the same body.

2. That why you say, “She go on (tirades) about wanting to go home and that I am a worthless old husband that she needs a young man. She say such meanful disrespectful things. Then the next day she cry and apologize or pretend like nothing happened.”
She’s like that because she’s divided from the trauma, in my amateur opinion.

3. You said, “she called me and sent nasty msg to me, (I) ignored them. I had a family get together that I went to.. She walked 3 miles in heals to the get togheter and then apologized to my family and me saying she doesn't want a divorce and us ignoring her made her realize she was wrong.”

4. You said, “We then made a pac that night she would never say a mean or hateful thing to me.” ….”Well of course she broke the pac 5 days later got mad at me over saying we didn't have the budget for christmas decorations. She of course then went into our joint and spent 300 bucks on it.”

I think you need to get out of this before you have a child and you can’t get out of it. Right now, you can pack your suitcase and you can walk out the door. If you wait until you have a child, it will be 100 times more difficult. As in, who will get custody of the child, what days will visitation be for the other parent?

Not to mention what life will be like for the child.

The time to get out is now. You are actually very lucky to learn her behavior before there is a child. If you think she mistreats you, a grown man, wait till you see the way she mistreats your child, right in front of you.

Again, you don’t realize it, but you have it easy right now, compared to where it’s going to be in a few years and have a child.

From just what you wrote in your post about her behavior, the case can be made: you need to leave.

But when you get some data on what’s going on beneath the surface and possibly why she acts this way, makes it 10 times more important, to get out as quickly as you can as the condition is very serious.

You really, really need to act on what you already know; get out.
Call the lawyer.

This is simply my opinion from someone whose main source of “expertise” is that I was married to a borderline wife for 36 years, and she absolutely tried to destroy me, and then gave the same hostile treatment to our child.

Your only defense is to get out. And you’re either smart enough to realize that, or you’re stupid like I was.

UserANONYMOUS
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4405
   Posted 11/9/2017 5:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Southdakotam26,

Welcome to the forum!

I am sorry for all that you are going through. The relationship sounds toxic. Your family may be right as it sounds like emotional abuse to me. Dealing with all this can affect your health and mental being negative. I understand when you say you don't think you can handle it much longer. I am sorry for how you feel... I know it must be very hard for you.

Only a psychiatrist can make a diagnosis and say whether your wife has Bipolar or not. If she is diagnosed with Bipolar, meds and therapy can help, however, she must be willing to accept the help.

Sometimes we have to let go of relationships that are not good for us. However, whether to stay with her or not, this is a decision you will have to make.
I was in a toxic relationship for year. My partner was emotionally abusive and eventual he got physical. When I got out of the relationship, I realized that I was better off, and I was happy that I did not take the next step to get married to him. To me it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder.

If possible, I would suggest you visit the doctor and attend some therapy or counselling sessions for yourself. I think it will help you to see things clearer, and then you may be able to make a decision on whether you stay with your partner or not.

UA
Moderator - Bipolar

Post Edited (UserANONYMOUS) : 11/9/2017 8:24:38 AM (GMT-7)


Southdakotam26
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2017
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 11/9/2017 12:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Yeah, that is my plan. Today I came home from work and she had dinner on the table and acted like nothing happen. I asked her how she was feeling she said just a migraine is all. No mention of the explosion the night before then today when we woke up she kept saying how special i was to her and how if I wasn't around she couldn't live.

I think I will take your advice seek counseling as when she is happy I am happy I asked her today about going to the doctor she said not needed she if doing good now.

Thats why I think she has bipolar or like what you said tim tam split personality

Asking her more about her dad he just come home drunk hit her and pass out but nothing sexual. He was actually seeing another woman who was few years old then her.. Different culture she lives with them now and her dad and this woman have 1 kid now.

This is why I keep sticking around as I come from conservative family Grandparents celebrated 60 years of marriage my parents 39 years of marriage. My uncle aunts both 30 plus no one in my family been divorced. THey hold the vows very sacred so that is why I was shocked that my parents said it was okay to walk away..

However I just holding onto something because when she isn't having those episodes she is amazing person. Just I can't handle those episodes if they keep coming faster and faster

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1077
   Posted 11/9/2017 3:06 PM (GMT -7)   
You said, she basically had no problems with her father, which is very good.

But you say, "Asking her more about her dad he just come home drunk hit her"

That could be kind of traumatic. How old was she when he hit her? How many times did he hit her, and on how many occasions?

When she goes from white hot with anger to having supper on the table, and there's nothing changing in her environment, but just something has flipped in her mind, there is a serious problem.

Normally they wait until the first child is born before they display pathological anger, so that they have you in a corner.

Wait until she has a calm time and declares she wants a child: trap.

You're playing with fire to stay around her. While your family has long marriages, your family has also been telling you to leave her.

During a calm time, can you ask her why she spent $300 on decorations when you told her there is no funding for that? What is her great and reasonable explanation for any on those 4 or 5 things you mentioned?

She gives you 5 minutes of calm, and you're hooked for the duration of the 30 years of marriage. I've been there and I know what's going on also: fear of loneliness.

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 19907
   Posted 11/9/2017 9:46 PM (GMT -7)   
ps, split personality is not borderline personality disorder.

there are d.i.d and multiple personality disorders, along with e.u.p.d, emotionally unstable personality disorder. d.i.d is disassoiative identy disorder and schizo-affective disorder. bi-polar disorders are chemical imbalances. borderline personality disorder effects more women than men, trauma and abuse is common, hearing voices, many episodes of self harm, many siucide attempts, psychosis,hospitalisations, depression and extensive need are some of the main components of a diagnosis.
bi -polar is mixed moods, mania, acute depression, (the crash) manipulation. rage which leads to confrontational psychosis and violence, whereas borderlines will hurt themselves and become dissassociated.
i have been dx with severe borderline, schizo-affective, bi-polar and the less severe form of borderline, eupd. bi-polar tends and often leads to schizo-affective and sometimes borderline. or a variant of these often leads to borderline. ht.

Loquito
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2017
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 11/10/2017 8:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Sorry to hear this. Many times I feel my partner has every disorder in the book! He has rapid cycling where his moods change minute to minute. It's like living with the exorcist. I hope your other half will get help and get meds. My partner will not take his meds. If I could be more financially independent I would be single! If she chooses to not get help and you can afford it financially, get out!! Life is too short. Listen to your family. Once I can find a renter I'm intending to do the same. Lis



smhair idea rolleyes
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