Posted 12/31/2017 3:33 PM (GMT -6)
Very informative response.
You say, “I have never had any type of hate or anger toward my wife, I always had compassion and empathy.”
And, “Now, I am just full of hate and anger toward her. I really do not like this feeling but her leaving and the way she left has taken away my compassion and empathy. “
You know, my wife turned on me about 4 years into the marriage after it became obvious because of a job change that she was having an affair.” And our marriage was horrible from that day on, and that last about 37 years. We had a 3 year old child at the time, and I might not have minded leaving her, if I could afford it and I had the emotional strength as a bipolar.
But I didn’t want to leave our 3 year old child. Talk about torn. And it sounds like you’ve gone through some of the same thing. You metion the anger, and it’s good that you bring that up.
But my only salvation was not to feel anger, for that would make me as bad as she was, as I looked at it. For instance, she would come into the room wanting to start an argument, but I wouldn’t argue, for I would be arguing with a drunk, type of thing. There would be no future in it. She was tring to bait me for one thing, for once I got into an argument, she could win that through nonsense spoken in a loud tone of voice.
Another tactic I used was, I never acknowledged to my self that th she has had actually had an affair. I didn’t se her having an affair, maybe she did have to work late after work. I didn’t know what she was oding, she didn’t know what I was doing.
She died of a long illness. After I came in from the funeral, I first noticed how quiet the house was. Then I realized, she’s never coming back, and there is nothing to be afraid of from figuring something out. My mind released itself, and said, “You can think about anything you want, and you can come to any conclusion and there won’t be any penalty for that.”
And I said, “I want to figure out if she was having an affair.” And I thought of 2 or 3 examples of why she was, and I declared for the first time in 37 years, “she did have an affair.”
That’s the way I handled it, with the help of my brain, having to live in the same house with a monster.
I think it’s good that you acknowledge that you have this rage, for you can probably use it to get away from a bad situation. And “I really do not like this feeling but her leaving and the way she left has taken away my compassion and empathy.“
Yeah, that’s what you don’t want to do, lose your compassion and empathy.”
That’s what I was pretty much trying to do, hold on to my compassion, where she seemed to have none. I was fighting to keep mine, by not arguing with her over mindless things.
Yeah, I think you should hold on to that compassion, and if bailing out will help that, I think that would be a good thing.
Then you say some things that seem to enter a different realm.
You say “Even after she drove my whole family away, drove my friends away, broke my daughters confidence, making it where she is always right and we are always wrong and cannot do anything right by her, attempted to take her own life several times, extreme mood swings and having affairs, I still stood by her for 15 years. I still loved her and did my best to help pick her up every time”
She drove your friends and family away, broke your daughters confidence, extreme mood swings and having affairs.”
She could be bipolar with the “extreme mood swings,” my wife had trauma, and she would drive friends and family away and destroyed our sons confidence. Did your wife ever mentioned having trauma? If not, she might be bipolar.
Did she ever see a psychiatrist, get diagnosed as bipolar, and take Lithium, or something like that, (like I do) and an antidepressant? If she did, she might be bipolar, if not she may have been affected by trauma.
I just like to know what makes them so wild. I get pretty wild too with bipolar, but I’m still curious as to why they act like that.
If you’re thinking of getting out of that situation, I would have to agree.
You know, it would also be great if you could get custody of the kids, so she can’t come into their lives. She could waltz in and in five minutes undo everything you’ve done in a few years. It happened with my kid, and I’ve seen it happen in other cases, especially with women who have had trauma.
Of course, all of that might be hard to prove, but I would be skittish, to say the least, about her coming around the kids.
You say, “I have taken night shift hours (12am to 8am), those hours helps with me being at home for my kids. I think I manage work and the kids very well. Sometimes I do not get enough sleep but I am always there for my kids. As for myself, honestly, I do not have anytime to think about myself.”
You might want to try looking out after yourself. Without you, the kids are in big trouble.
Try to stay positive that you can do this. It’s going to turn out the way you think it’s going to turn out, so you might want to picture this as turning out OK. Thanks to you.