Posted 1/2/2018 11:07 AM (GMT -7)
Thanks for your response.
My other conditions are mainly having an ear ailment which makes me sensitive to certain noises. This made it virtually impossible to ride in a car for about 6 years, because my ears at that time were so sensitive I could not ride in a car because of the engine noise.
I couldn’t even go to the doctor, including my psychiatrist who I had to converse with over the telephone. Which wasn’t so bad, but sometimes I needed to go to other doctors, like a heart doctor because of chest pain.
I had chest pain from a 37 year bad marriage, which put a lot of stress on me, which came out in the form of chest pain from the muscles around my heart. I think the stress constricted the blood vessels to the point that they weren’t supplying enough blood to the muscles around my heart. And that slowing or stopping of blood would then cause me slight to severe chest pain.
I had to take Ativan tranquilizer to stop the pain, which I think, relaxed the blood vessels and increased the blood flow to where there was on more chest pain.
So I was in an unhealthy relationship, also. I found it hard to get out because I had a 3-year-old child when it started, and I didn’t want to leave him, and I didn’t want him to be without a father in the home. Another reason I didn’t want to leave was because we were buying a house, and I didn’t want to leave my half of the house.
Another reason was, as a bipolar, I wasn’t good at holding jobs, so I didn’t have the finances. Another was because of my bipolar, and I wasn’t emotionally strong enough to make it on my own, I didn’t think.
So what was my marriage like? I always compared it to two dogs in a pit. We were both set against each other, but we couldn’t get out of the pit. She didn’t want to leave our 3 year old, either, or her half of the house.
The problem in the marriage began when it became evident she was having an affair, because she changed jobs as soon as someone else changed jobs. But I couldn’t get out. Double whammy.
She had abuse in childhood which through her off course, and it carried into her marriage.
My wife passed away 8 years ago from a long illness. I wasn’t sure I would be able to make it on my own, for one of the reasons I got married was because I had a nervous breakdown while I was living in an apartment by myself. I associated the breakdown with living alone, that I couldn’t do that. I lost my confidence.
And here, years later, I was going to be living by myself again. Could I do that? I didn’t know. I knew the first night would be the test. Could I go to sleep? I did, and I’ve made it on my own ever since.
I also realized it was because I was on Lithium and an anti-depressant, which I wasn’t when I had the breakdown. So, with the medicine, yeah, I’ve done alright.
As rough as that was, her long illness released us from a very difficult situation. Of two people locked into a horrible situation, and they couldn’t get out because of a paid for house which neither wanted to leave or really could afford to. Whenever she came into the room where I was, she would start the verbal, emotional abuse.
She would lay elaborate and constant plans to get me. She was trying to destroy me, because murder carries the death penalty. She was pathologically cruel, because she had been severely abused as a child.
She was supposed to live into her 80s like her mother and grandmother. I was supposed to go much younger. One of the rewards for that would be she would get to lord over me on my death bed, saying the cruelest things, with no witnesses.
Until you’ve lived with someone like that, you can’t imagine what that’s like.
She would attack my health. She would recruit our grown son, giving him money, and he would help her.
He even helped her attack me after she passed away for 7 years, until I caught him at that a year ago, and I haven’t had anything to do with him since. Which I wished I could have done with my wife, get away from that, but I couldn’t. But I could get away from my son.
Like I say, you don’t know what that‘s like until you’ve gone through it, and I have.
When she passed away, it was like seeing a train coming at you, trying to destroy you, and right at the last second, it veers off the track. You can’t believe it. For many years, it’s been coming at you, with no hope of change, and at the last second, you win. How did that happen?
She smoked and got cancer. Totally unexpected.
And then my son and mean neighbors, knowing I was living alone and had health problems, took over from her. It’s been one long fight since her passing of eight years. I got no break, except that which I’ve made for myself. I’ve had some good luck too, so I have to try to remember that during the bad times.
What was keeping you in your difficult relationship?
You said in your first post, “Hi i am a new member who would to get better informed and also help others in need.”
I think it’s good that you want to help others in need. I once went to a website that dealt with one my health issues, and it was making me feel very bad, and I was very much wanting some understanding and help. As soon as I got on the website, I saw a woman who also wanted some help with the same health problem.
As I read her problem, I suddenly became engrossed in that, and really wanted to help, so I replied to her comment. At some point, I started trying to remember why I went to this website to begin with. It was because of a huge problem I was having. Well, what happened to the problem? Where is it?
It had mysteriously left.
But, I mean, where did it go? It receded because my mental energy had reversed from thinking about my problems, to thinking about hers. Right, I can’t explain it. But where did it go? I don’t know, all I know is it wasn’t there anymore.
And I have rarely worried about that problem since. I have never changed the flow of psychic energy from going outwards toward somebody else’s problems, back to inward of obsessing on my own problems.
And, therefore, my own problems disappeared.
So that’s why I think it’s good that you said, “Hi i am a new member who would to get better informed and also help others in need.”
I would encourage you to do that, also, for their benefit and for yours.