mental breakdown, suicidal thoughts

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porcelainXbeauty
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2016
Total Posts : 24
   Posted 3/6/2018 5:41 PM (GMT -6)   
I feel like a burden to everyone.

Kind of a brief history of whats going on: I just got a full time job. I am finding I can't handle it due to a coworker who is very aggressive and tries to get me in trouble. I snapped at her today. I got sent home from work early.

My boyfriend is not happy. He told me you need to get a job so we can be together, because he can't support me off what he makes and never will be able to. Then said some hurtful things which I know he did not mean to hurt me, I am just in a mood and am being extra sensitive.

I also deal with chronic pain, which I finally kind of have under control. But the emotional pain is coming back. I am at my breaking point. I can't seem to handle the things life throws at me, and I just want to die. I feel like I am a burden to everyone around me. I am told I am too sensitive. I am told I am screwing up at work and can't seem to get the hang of it. Its stupid receptiption, why can't I do that??
The past year I have had a lot of crap going on and can't get therapy because I can't afford it on top of my medical bills. I do have a psychiatrist, I already called her to see if I could get an appointment. But I need some help. What do you do when you are about to break? Is it bad if I had to stay in the hospital and how would work take that? I don't think that will happen but what if it does? Why can't I think straight? Why am I thinking this way?

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1244
   Posted 3/6/2018 7:17 PM (GMT -6)   
If you are going to a psychiatrist, are you taking any medicine?

Have you been diagnosed as bipolar?

As a bipolar myself, I take Lithium for the mania and Mirtazapine for the depression.

Without that, I wouldn't be doing good.

How old are you? I had my first bipolar breakout at about 28.

You said, "What do you do when you are about to break? Is it bad if I had to stay in the hospital and how would work take that? I don't think that will happen but what if it does? Why can't I think straight? Why am I thinking this way?"

All that with me is handled with Lithium, and then the Mirtazapine for the depression.

UserANONYMOUS
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4481
   Posted 3/7/2018 6:46 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi porcelainXbeauty,

I am sorry for how you are currently feeling. You are on the right track by seeking help. I am proud of you for taking this step. Having chronic pain can impact how you are feeling emotionally as well.

Is there any community support groups you can join to help you with coping with things? I know there are hotlines that you can call that are free to talk with someone. If you are feeling low, I would strongly recommend you call the hotline. After speaking with someone, you tend to usually feel better.

Do you have a support system - friends and family, besides your boyfriend?

UA
Moderator - Bipolar

porcelainXbeauty
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2016
Total Posts : 24
   Posted 3/7/2018 8:33 AM (GMT -6)   
I do have a psychiatrist and I am taking Latuda for bipolar and Cymbalta for depression. I tried Lithium but it did not work.
I have one best friend who is doing her best to help me, but she doesn't always understand mental health issues so it can be hard to talk to her. My bf is there for me but doesn't understand either, so it can be hard when trying to explain to him that I am having a breakdown. I would love to find some online support groups!
So I am 28 and was diagnosed at 19 with bipolar. Been on several different medicines. Was on Seroquel for awhile, then changed to Latuda and found I could finally function. Its only recently that I am having trouble handling things. I was in therapy but found my therapist was not helping. I felt like I just went to her to vent, and when I asked her about certain things like dialectical behavioral therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy which she said she did, she just said nothing and would continue to ask about my day and just let me talk. She was supposed to be a grief counselor as well, but when I mentioned my grief, she ignored it and changed the subject. So I will not be going back to her.
I would like to be in counseling, I think it will help me.
I know I am having a hard time thinking because I take Gabapentin for the pain. I have been having foot pain for years, been through surgery and nothing has helped. Gabapentin is the only thing that takes the pain away. Unfortunately, I feel as though it takes my brain with it. But what do you choose, to be in pain or just not function as well as normal? Its hard. Makes my job even harder. Not sure if it interacts with any of my medication, I do know pain medicine will and makes me super sensitive and very grumpy, hard to be with. So I am wondering if Gabapentin is doing that to me.

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1244
   Posted 3/7/2018 1:54 PM (GMT -6)   
I think counseling will help, also.

For instance, if we have a problem and we're talking to someone on a regular basis, at the next session, we can talk about the problem and maybe they can help us solve is. Two heads are better than one.

Like you with the previous counselor, I would notice if they are helping you solve such problems. If they're just sitting there not saying anything, I agree with you, that you might want to get another counselor.

Sometimes they can give advice and give the wrong advice. That may be one reason why they just sit there. There letting you figure out the problem. Because, as noted, sometimes they can give the wrong advice. I had a therapist do that one time and it really messed me up.

Sometimes, they'll throw it back to you and say, "What do you think you ought to do?" Which is kinda helpful actually. For sometimes, you can be on both sides of an issue, and that question can help you sort out which one is better.

But I prefer that to their not saying anything.

You say, "Gabapentin is the only thing that takes the pain away. Unfortunately, I feel as though it takes my brain with it. But what do you choose, to be in pain or just not function as well as normal?"

I have that problem, also. I have certain meds I'm suppose to take, but they can interfere with other health problems that I have. It's a constant juggling act.

And "I do know pain medicine will and makes me super sensitive and very grumpy, hard to be with. So I am wondering if Gabapentin is doing that to me."

It may be, you can type in the name of the med on the search engine, go to one of the websites that comes up on that med, and read the side effects.

I think you're right to reach out for help. Life with bipolar can be rough, but the meds do help us. My grandmother didn't have anything for her bipolar, there were no such meds, so we'd be in a mental hospital somewhere, instead of having a chance to hold some jobs.

That's a big improvement, which I hope we can appreciate.

Oh, I was going to ask you, did you inherit your bipolar? I got mine from my mother's mother. It can skip a generation, so a grandparent might have had it, but not either of your parents.

Sorry to hear about the pain.

Post Edited (Tim Tam) : 3/7/2018 12:59:20 PM (GMT-7)


UserANONYMOUS
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4481
   Posted 3/16/2018 1:54 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi porcelainXbeauty,

I know counselling can be costly. However, you can call the hotlines and have a chat. The person answering the calls are very helpful, and you tend to feel better after.

There are online chat support groups that you can join.
I would suggest you look at community groups in your area and see if you find any.

Know that we are here for you too, so you can post anytime.

UA
Moderator - Bipolar

Beachbumgirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2016
Total Posts : 49
   Posted 5/8/2018 4:33 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi PorceleinXbeauty-
Welcome. Maybe there is another counselor in the same office as your old one ? You may like he/she better. The suicide hotline will always talk to you.
Another option if you are feeling really down is to go to your local ER. They have Emergency Health services on site to help you. Psychiatrist on site for evaluation and med changes or increase doses of present meds.
If they need to keep you in the hospital, they can work with your meds, help with inpatient counseling and facilitate outpatient counseling easier than you could. This is purely if you don’t feel safe with yourself or others.
Remember, no one takes care of you better than you. You cannot help others until you are ok. Don’t feel bad about the work mishap. I’m on a migraine drug that messes with my brain. 😝
Word formation sometimes is impossible at best and all I do is laugh. When you explained about your coworker, I imagined my coworker doing the same with a new computer system we put in last Fall 2017.
She started raising her voice one day when she wanted to use the system one way and I was not using it that way. I had used the system previously for 10 yrs. at another hospital. I calmly listened to her and asked her “ are you done now?” Out loud. Then proceeded to tell her I was doing it my way and leave me alone. Hah👍
Maybe that job is not for you now. Take care of you. Think about a job you would enjoy and do it!

Wishing you peace and serenity.

Livingforhope
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2018
Total Posts : 29
   Posted 5/25/2018 11:38 PM (GMT -6)   
Stop. I know what your going through. Your not alone..ive been there and even now I'm sorta of there but doing what I can to stay above float. These feelings you have will pass. You are not a burden you are actually very strong for writing all of this because every strong person has or had support in there life to move forward. If you can take a break on the weekend or when you don't have work and go to the park or go to the movies..go on a small little vacation to a hotel with a loved one. Just stay distracted. Maybe even get a dog when your ready. I hope you find peace like the others said.

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20186
   Posted 5/31/2018 8:39 PM (GMT -6)   
crisis help lines are amazing......and can give specific guidance on best support peeps and groups and treatment specific therapists. ua spot on. have used em myself many a time. ht.
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