Posted 1/21/2019 10:02 AM (GMT -6)
Good work ending this relationship! You and this person are toxic for each other. You are not a good match. There are a gazillion other straight people you could be with in the world. You both should find one of those other people. You both have a lot of negative patterns with each other, and lots of mental health stuff to address individually.
Your ex doesn't sound bipolar to me, not at all. She has many issues, yes. Bipolar disorder involves cycling between periods of depressive functioning and mania. Having poor boundaries, deep insecurities, a lack of accountability, inappropriate coping skills, a tendency toward physical violence, being irritable and cruel - all on a regular basis - is not what being bipolar means. She sounds miserable and like she needs a lot of help, but you cannot provide that help or make her get it. Even if you could, you shouldn't. And given the issues of your own that you have outlined, and the fact that you have a child, you absolutely need to be focused on yourself and as far as you possibly can be from the relationship you described above.
I know several wonderful people who have bipolar disorder, and who struggle terribly with the stigma surrounding it. It's very damaging for them when people use the term "bipolar" as code for a "crazy ex," which happens a great deal, so I want to ask you to be cautious about throwing that word around, since you aren't a therapist. It's natural to want to explain to yourself why things didn't work out. She has some issues, and your relationship was bad. Fault lies in both parties. No need for a diagnosis.
Do not contact her anymore - not for "closure," not to apologize, not to check in. Let it all go. Work on yourself. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good. Put effort into relationships that are healthy. Find a therapist. Focus on your child. Discuss with your child what they witnessed when you and the ex were behaving badly, and how she responded poorly to the childhood antics; kids should know that sort of thing is not their fault and not an appropriate way to behave with someone else. The Beatles were wrong - love certainly isn't all you need. ;)
I wish you all the very best, and am very sorry that you were mired in such a frustrating and upsetting relationship! If you want to read some more perspectives on relationship challenges, then I recommend the Savage Love column by Dan Savage and the blog Captain Awkward. Good luck!
Sara (Lyme, POTS, HPA axis dysfunction, ME, and a professional background in mental health care)