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Major episode - off work

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 1/22/2020 1:07 PM (GMT -7)
Hello forum,

It's been years since I posted on HW and wow a lot has happened in my life since!

Short background - I am BP type II with ultradian cycling. I have tried a lot of meds over 12 years and finally tried Lithium this past year which was truly the only medication that I found helpful (other than my Seroquel that gets my sleep for me each night) however I couldn't stay on it due to the stomach side effects.

Within the last year, I lost my career that I loved more than anything and had to start two new jobs. My Mom's stage IV lung cancer which she has by total miracle survived for over 8 years has come back to a new spot close to her other tumor on her right hip. This happened in June. Just before Christmas we found out the cancer has spread to her throat - she is consulting with an ENT surgeon tomorrow. She is actually seeing the ENT surgeon that saved my own life this past year after I suffered a bleed after a tonsillectomy. Ya that happened. I had emergency surgery and a brutal recovery but obviously so grateful to be alive! She is good hands but with throat cancer I don't know what we are facing and tomorrow will be a tough day of answers. My step dad also now might have cancer they are looking into.

The other biggest stressor for the past 1.5 years - my relationship. Reconnected through facebook with a man I went to highschool with 19 years ago as he was being transferred in the military to my area. We fell in love very quickly - he was the most wonderful guy in highschool and for the most part he is a wonderful man. Unfortunately he has a temper that can come out often enough and I"ve been down that road before. Also - he was transferred back out of my area within 6 months so the bulk of our relationship has been long distance (1.5 hour drive). I have been single 5 years since my last relationship before him and all I want is to have someone under the same roof. A real partner, to come home to. Our long distance doesn't have a chance at changing any time soon. He hasn't dealt with his legal separation or divorce from his ex and we've run into new issues with her. He has two wonderful kids who I love. But as a totality this relationship has almost constant triggers and doesn't have a good foundation (I have ended it 6 times) nor does it appear to have a good future ....

SO. Needless to say, I have had WAY too much on my plate and as we all know stress is one of our biggest triggers. I don't know how I haven't ended up in hospital. But as mentioned in my subject line I did go off work two months ago today. I have 7 remaining paid weeks left before I would have to return for financial reasons. I am dreading going back. The people there have been ignorant in asking about me (a friend of mine has reported to me who works in the dept). I hesitated taking a leave for the stigma reasons for over 6 months and now I will be heading back into exactly that.

I am just overwhelmed so thanks for reading. The depressive episode I have been in for over a week now has been crippling. Can't shower every day, clean house etc.

I send so many hugs to you all,
Mogli
Posted 1/22/2020 4:35 PM (GMT -7)
Hi Mogli,

You sure do have a lot going on. I can see where it would be overwhelming. I am sorry to hear about your mom. I hope your stepdad's is negative. I can only imagine what you are going through.

Do you do any mindfulness meditation? It would really help you right now. It keeps us calm.

Don't worry about what people say or think at work. Just work on you and keeping your mom in good spirits and as comfortable as possible. My first husband died of lung cancer so I know how scary it can be. I hope your mother has a good prognosis. Keep us posted. We want to be here for you.

I am sorry that the long distance relationship isn't working for you. But if his temper is as bad as it sounds, maybe it is good for now that you two aren't together. Take it one day at a time and focus on getting yourself feeling better. Like you say, stress is a trigger.

You sound like a strong person. Your name is familiar. I moderate on the depression forum. Maybe you have posted there in the past.

Take care Mogli,

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 1/22/2020 5:31 PM (GMT -7)
Hi mate, yes I remember ya, the turtle is bp1 but been a depressive phase.
Karen given you great wisdom, the other is, it too shall pass.
Know we care. You strong staying out of the hosp proves it.
One day at a time. Sending continued healing thoughts. You
Been doing it tough, strength is reaching out. HT
Posted 1/23/2020 12:54 PM (GMT -7)
It's good that you reached out for help.

You said you had Bipolar II which net says does not have the full blown mania but rather partial mania or hypomania, and added "they suffer more often from periods of depression."

Net says, "ultradian cycling" is "having a period of recurrence shorter than a day but longer than an hour."

You also pointed out, 'I have tried a lot of meds over 12 years and finally tried Lithium this past year which was truly the only medication that I found helpful (other than my Seroquel that gets my sleep for me each night) however I couldn't stay on it due to the stomach side effects."

As Bipolar I, I can have full mania along with the depression. For the mania, I, too, take Lithium, 600 mg a day, and for the depression I take Mirtazapine, 7.5 mg a day.

Your description for depression brings back some memories, of not being able to get anything done, so it's probably miraculous that you could write to the website. But already being a member probably helped.

Net says Seroquel is an anti-psychotic used for bipolar and schizophrenia and to treat both mania and depression. You said it worked but you couldn't take it, and that you had tried lots of meds over 12 years, but Lithium was the first one you got to work.

How many anti-depressants have you tried?

This website also advocates being positive that you can solve the problems, and is discussed in the resources section above the list of names of people writing in with problems. So having a belief that you can solve this is a big help, for it sets us to looking for solutions rather than blocking out such possibilities, which is what negative does. So being positive is not just a luxury.

My grandmother had bipolar, but they didn't have Lithium, or basically any other medicines.This was in the 1930s and 1940s and start of the 1950s. So she spent much of her life in a mental institution 100 miles from home with not much they could do for her. So she was warehoused. So the fact that you are being treated at home is a big improvement from what my grandmother had.

But in the last 50 or more years they have come up with a lot of medicines, for which we can be grateful.

There are plenty of anti-depressants.
Posted 1/24/2020 7:29 AM (GMT -7)
Thank you all for your time and support. So good news - Mom's cancer has not spread to her throat and My step Dad's colon is cancer free as well!

Karen! smile Yes I was a regular when I started in 2007 for a couple years. Was on depression and anxiety board but mostly on herel Just got super busy with my career and so I kinda disappeared. Thanks for your suggestion about meditation. I tried if for a year with the aid of a very skilled psychotherapist and he decided due to my severe form of BP and racing brain I just was able to get there and it was doing more harm than good. I was in DBT at that time and the golden rule of DBT is "don't do anything to make it worse". But it is a good suggestion I just need tangible things to slow my brain down - like colouring or tv. As for the boyfriend it's coming to an end. He got upset with me yesterday so it's a matter of time and you are right. Work will be tough but you are correct in that too. I need to not care what others think.

HT - thank you for your healing hugs and thoughts. How are you feeling today?

Tim Tam - I should clarify - it was the lithium that I couldn't stay on due to side effects but I didn't experience them at 600 mg, my psychiatrist just thought that wouldn't be a therapeutic dose - wanted me at 900 or 1200.

And yes, I'm ultradian. So my mood changes all the time. Depressive episodes are the only states I can stay in for days at a time otherwise I am all over in a day or less.I am on Seroquel for stabliziation and mainly sleep and I will never go off that.

I am not allowed to be on antidepressants as they cause hypomania/mania.

I need to get back to exercise but obviously this depressive episode has me stuck. I will try to get to the gym tomorrow. I volunteer as a peer supporter for people with mental health issues and I have my suicide prevention certification today so that will get me out of the house! Thank you for sharing about your grandmother as you are so right in pointing that out. We have come a long way and it's wonderful we can all support each other like this. And I will try to remain positive as it's so important

Hugs to you all,
Mogli
Posted 1/24/2020 2:03 PM (GMT -7)
You said Lithium stabilizer for bipolar worked for you but it gave you stomach problems.

However, in your 2nd post you said, "it was the lithium that I couldn't stay on due to side effects but I didn't experience them at 600 mg, my psychiatrist just thought that wouldn't be a therapeutic dose - wanted me at 900 or 1200."

Well, I take 600 mg of Lithium a day, 2, 300 mg pills, and it has stopped my manic phase for over 15 years. Net says it also helps with depression.

Net says Seroquel is an anti-psychotic which helps with mania and depression.

However, you get very depressed on Seroquel, although Lithium worked for you. Did Lithium help with your depression?

Also, you said you can't take anti-depressants because they throw you into hypo mania.

You might try the Lithium again at 600 mg, which you said both the dosage and the medicine worked for you. Well, when the Lithium was working for you, were you depressed?

If not, I would consider going back to that and try Melatonin from the health food store for sleep, which is what I use. If the Melatonin or other such health food remedy doesn't work, you might can get you doctor to prescribe you a sleeping pill. This would, perhaps, allow you to drop the Seroquel which is not helping with your depression.

You said about Lithium in your 1st post:

"Short background - I am BP type II with ultradian cycling. I have tried a lot of meds over 12 years and finally tried Lithium this past year which was truly the only medication that I found helpful (other than my Seroquel that gets my sleep for me each night) however I couldn't stay on it due to the stomach side effects."

So, Lithium is the "the only medication that I found helpful (other than my Seroquel that gets my sleep for me each night) however I couldn't stay on it due to the stomach side effects."

So, it seems Lithium was helping you with both mania and depression, and Seroquel is not helping with the depression. But you cling to it for sleep. There are other ways to get to sleep.

My psychiatrist does not like health food pills for sleep, etc., for she says they have not been tested, as have doctor pills. So, if the Melatonan doesn't help, you can get a sleeping pill.

As for 600 mg of Lithium working for you, as it does for me, some people are more sensitive to medicine than others, and it doesn't take a full dose to work.

It was the same with me for Mirtazapine anti-depressant. I was on 15 mg of that for probably 3 or 4 years. I would take it at bedtime, lay down, and 15 or 20 minutes later, my toes would start to twitch and I would be starving and have get up and eat a 2nd supper.

I did this for 3 or 4 years, thinking it was the laying down which caused my toes to twitch. Turned out it was the Mirtazapine anti-depressant. My psy. cut the pill in half to 7.5 mg and
the side effects never happened again. Again, I'm more sensitive to medicine than most people.

We need to tailor the medicine to our sensitivity level, not the doctor's.
Posted 1/28/2020 1:22 PM (GMT -7)
Thanks for all of your feedback. I didn't experience side effects at 600mg of the Lithium so maybe that is worth a try. Seroquel will remain for my sleep. My insomnia is too severe for Melatonin. I would be awake for 72 hours or longer if I didn't have the Seroquel.

Seeing psychiatrist tomorrow so I definitely will raise the 600mg of Lithium and see what happens smile
Posted 1/28/2020 2:19 PM (GMT -7)
Health store Melatonin would not put me to sleep, either, if that's all I was taking.

For Melatonin (or any other health food) to put me to sleep, I have to already be taking, in my case for my bipolar, something like Lithium and an anti-depressant like the one I'm taking, Mirtazapine.

Seroquel, I think we decided, was an anti-psychotic. Now, for you to take 600 mg of Lilthium stabilizer and an anti-psychotic would for me be a stretch.

It's like an either/or situation. It's like 2 strong medicines, when you only need like one of those. It's like they're repetitive. Like mentioned in above post, both help with the mania and the depression.

But yet you want to take both. Oh, my. But the seroquel only for sleep. Oh, no. What would be wrong with a sleeping pill for sleep, and 600 mg of Lithium for mania and depression?

With the Lithium, you might be able to go to sleep with the Melatonin. Have you ever tried it? I take about 2 or 3 Melatonin (along with the Lithium and Mirtazapine), and then if I wake back up around 4 in the a.m. and realize I'm not going back to sleep, I can take another Melatonin or two.

Even if you miss a few hours of sleep one night, you'll still have that information.

Or, you can take a doctor's sleeping pill. Maybe have that script from your doctor in case you want to try that in-between appointments.

Again, Lithium and Seroquel are repeatitive, they both help with mania and depression.

I say, take 600 mg of Lithium for the mania and the depression, and either Melatonin or a sleeping pill for sleep.

But since you say you can't go to sleep with Melatonin, I would say the sleeping pill for sleep.
Posted 1/29/2020 2:58 AM (GMT -7)
Tim ham, come on.... am sure mogli is being treated by a competent medical
Practioner....and the medication is between mogli and Dr.
We are not to judge. Oh my.....HT.
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