Tim Tam, my father passed away when I was 12. I am now 30. His medical history is not well known. I know he smoked cigarettes in his teens, marijuana not too long after. Maybe his late 20s early 30s was cocaine. At one point he was in a mental institute. I don't exactly know why. But he was able to sign himself out days later. I asked my mom, never thought to ask my aunt (his sister), if he had bi-polar. My mom thinks he did but never diagnosed. The sad news is that his mother was murdered. He blamed himself for that one. Supposedly she asked him to go out with her but he decided to stay home and get high. She was shot to death. I do remember Christmas times were rougher for him. He used to drink a helllll of a lot more than usual.
My aunt told me that they (3 kids total) had a good childhood in general. He was raised to never hit a woman..... He FAILED on that one
Yes, he was very abusive to my mom. She loved him very much, yet she was afraid of him. She knew his scary side. My mom and I, and sometimes my brother, would hang out with family friends. When she knew he was angry, she told us to wait outside until she comes and gets us.
When it comes to a negative household : that's a hit or miss. Yes my dad was abusive, but I was his "little girl". I guess it would be helpful to let you know that my brother is my "half" brother. I quote that because I don't like that term. My dad was not his biological dad. Anyways, I seen the abusiveness and sadness in the home. We got hit and treated poorly. Yet, I was treated special because I was the only girl on his side of the family besides the aunt. My dad used to take me to work (construction/handyman) every weekend. I loved it. I was such a tomboy. We spent a lot of time riding bikes throughout the city. I remember him crying because he was proud of me due to the hard work I put into school. I seriously cannot remember much as a kid. My therapist thinks I blocked the memories. I think she's correct...
It was about
two years ago when I hit my hand so hard leading to bruised fingers. It was late at night. That next day I was off work and went to a walk in clinic because I didn’t know what was happening with the fingers. Lesson learned. More info on the family > I love my mom very much and give her credit for all that she’s done for us. BUT, we butt heads like crazy. The anger in me comes out a lot with her, very unfortunately. That night, I was talking to her about
the past and finances. She is horrible with money. Always has been. One questioned I asked : Why did you stay with dad knowing how abusive he was? I’ve been wanting to know this for years. I finally got an answer from her. A true answer. I hated myself for how I talked to her to get that answer out. So I was mentally pissed off hard core. So, like I stated, I’d rather be in physical pain rather than mental pain any day.
I’ve learned the past two years that realistically made TV shows, movies, and books cause me to feel down. The recent break down triggered once I finished a TV show series. It was a wonderful one, but it got me thinking about
my past more than anything else. I think that was the tip of the iceberg for me. This COVID-19 situation has me feeling blah, especially working in the grocery business. I was supposed to have been married by now, but that changed. We are looking into buying a home but want to be married first. So my brain has been scattered for the worst. That Wednesday night I went to bed crying. That Thursday morning woke up crying. I didn’t feel quite right. I had maybe two hours of sleep and had to be at work in 45minutes. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to wake the fiancé. But I knew I couldn’t be alone. My mom lives with us, so I woke her up. It’s hard to explain what happened there. I went to work for half my shift. Thankfully I had a friend who was off work that day. My therapist also was able to schedule me in that day. I’ve truly been down since then, gradually making my way up. That’s why I am so happy I found this site/forum
"Maybe it’s because as children we learned about
our self-worth from people who didn’t have any. And as children, we believed that." > Holy smokes.. true statement. It's been about
five years ago since my self esteem / self worth started to rise.
I am very sorry you had to endure the life you did. May I ask how you felt with the misdiagnosing of medicine?
Also I’d like to point out that the therapeutic part of this site is that I am able to know I am not alone, along with being able to talk about
my life. Again, thank you all for sharing <3